Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

31.524

When after two “Ornakres”¹ the cosmic intersystem ship Karnak had left the spheres of the atmosphere of the planet Revozvradendr and began to fall back in the direction of the solar system ‘Pandetznokh’ onto the planet Karatas, Hassein, having sat down in his usual place, addressed Beelzebub with the following words:

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“My dear and beloved Grandfather… be kind as always and tell me something more about the three-centered beings breeding on that planet which is called Earth.”

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In reply to this, Beelzebub related about his sixth and last visit on the planet Earth.

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He began thus: “I was on that planet for the sixth time just before I received my full pardon and permission to leave that most remote solar system situated even almost beyond the reach of the immediate emanations of the Omni Most Holy Sun Absolute, that is, just before my return here to the center of the Universe to the place of my arising, to the immediate bosom of our COMMON UNI-BEING-ENDLESSNESS.

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“This time, circumstances unexpectedly so came about that I had to exist there among these peculiar beings a fairly long time, namely, a little less than a year of our time, or, by the time calculation there, more than three hundred years.

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“As initial cause of this last visit of mine to the surface of that planet which has pleased you, the following circumstances served:

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“You must know that after my fifth visit to the surface of that planet of yours, I continued likewise, as before, to observe from time to time the existence of those three-brained beings who please you.

“I observed them particularly attentively at those periods when there proceeded among them their chief particularity, namely, their processes of ‘reciprocal destruction.’

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“And I observed so attentively at these periods because I wished to make unquestionably clear to myself the causes of the periodic manifestations of such an exceptionally terrible need of their strange psyche—strange to the point of the phenomenal.

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“When I happened to be a little freer I would at times follow for almost a whole Martian day or night every kind of their manifestations during these processes.

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“Well, thanks to these special observations of mine, both from the planet Mars and during my former personal sojourns there among them, I had a more or less definite understanding concerning all the ways and means used by them for a more effective destruction of each other’s existence.

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“Well, my boy, once while watching as usual this process of theirs from the planet Mars through my big Teskooano I suddenly noticed that which served as the initial cause impelling me to undertake my sixth descent; namely, I saw this time that, without moving from their place, they did with a certain thing something which resulted in a tiny puff of smoke, whereupon a being from the opposite side immediately fell down either totally destroyed or with one or other part of his planetary body mutilated or destroyed forever.

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“Such a means of reciprocal destruction I had never seen before; and there had not yet been crystallized in my presence any data for a confrontative logical explanation of the possibility on their part of using such a means for destroying the existence of other beings similar to themselves.

“Concerning each and every of their ways and means, the purpose of which was the destruction of each other’s existence, I had already had before this a definite logical confrontation which explained to me just what are the accidentally arisen surrounding factors that bring forth in them impulses and stimuli as the result of which their essence is gradually brought to such a phenomenal being-ableness to destroy, for no rhyme or reason, the existence of other beings similar to themselves.

“But for this new means, which I now saw for the first time, for destroying each other’s existence, my former logical and psychological explanations could not indeed in any way be applied.

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“I had formerly explained to myself that such an exclusively abnormal inherency in their psyche is not self-acquired by the beings of the given epoch, but I understood that this terrifying periodic being-need was acquired and gradually assimilated by them during the course of very many of their centuries, also, of course, thanks to the abnormal conditions of existence established by the beings of past generations, and that this being-need had already become finally inherent in the contemporary three-brained beings, owing to external circumstances not depending upon them, and that it had become inevitably proper to them to occupy themselves with this.

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“And indeed, my boy, during these processes, they usually instinctively at first refrain from such an unnatural manifestation, but later when every one of them already in the environment of the process itself willy-nilly sees and becomes convinced that the destruction of the existence of those similar to themselves proceeds so simply, and that the number of the destroyed always grows and grows—well then, each of them involuntarily begins instinctively to feel and automatically to value his own existence. And having become persuaded by his own eyes that the possibility of losing his own existence depends, at the given moment, absolutely only on the number of beings of the enemy side not destroyed, then in consequence of the strengthened functioning in his imagination of the presence of the impulse called ‘cowardice,’ and on account of the impossibility at each moment of reasonable deliberation by his being-mentation, weakened already without this, he begins from a natural feeling of self-preservation to strive with all his Being to destroy as many as possible of the existences of the beings of the enemy side in order to have the greater chance of saving his own existence. And gradually progressing in this feeling of self-preservation of theirs, they then reach the state, as they themselves say, of ‘bestiality.’

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“But as regards that means of the destruction of the existence of other beings similar to themselves which I then saw, it was now impossible to apply to it this logical confrontation at which I had just arrived, simply because I then clearly saw that the enemy sides stood fairly far apart, that all warring beings were among their own, and that in these semifavorable conditions, they quietly and absolutely cold-bloodedly, out of boredom as it were, did something with the help of a ‘something’ and thereby destroyed the existence of other beings similar to themselves.

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“Well, this same new means of theirs for the destruction of each other’s existence just strengthened in my essence the need to make indubitably clear and to understand all the genuine causes of this phenomenally strange psyche which had become proper to the presences exclusively of those peculiar three-brained beings.

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“As I had nothing particular to do at this time on the planet Mars, I decided to wind up without delay my current affairs and personally to descend to your planet, and there, on the spot, at any cost, to elucidate this question which had always troubled me, in order that having solved it I might no longer think about these phenomena of our Great Universe.

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“Several Martian days later I just flew there, as always on the same ship Occasion.

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“We decided to descend this time onto the continent Asia near the locality called Afghanistan,’ since before we had flown off, we had made it clear through our Teskooano that the ‘turn-of-the-process-of-reciprocal-destruction’ was proceeding at that time in just the said country.

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“Having descended onto the locality near this Afghanistan, we decided to send our ship Occasion for mooring somewhere further from those places where your favorites had recently been breeding.

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“You must know that to find a suitable mooring place for our ship Occasion on the surface of your planet has already in recent times become anything but easy, since your favorites have furnished themselves with very many kinds of contrivances for what is called ‘marine locomotion,’ which contrivances they also call ships, and these ships of theirs are constantly flitting about in all directions, mostly around the continents.

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“We had, it is true, the possibility of making our ship Occasion invisible to their organs of perception of visibility, but we could not annihilate its presence, and without this it could not remain stationary on the water because of the constant danger that their ships might bump into it.

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“Well, for this reason we this time decided to send our ship for mooring to what is called the ‘North Pole,’ where their ships have as yet no possibility of going.

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“While we were descending onto the surface of this planet of yours, the process of reciprocal destruction which had been proceeding in Afghanistan finished; but all the same, I remained to exist near this Afghanistan, as it was just on that part of the continent Asia that at that period these processes of theirs most frequently proceeded.

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“Since I had in view, on this last personal flight of mine onto the surface of your planet, to obtain without fail a ‘completed awareness’ of the causes of the questions which were constantly troubling my essence, namely, to make clear to myself the causes in all their aspects why the psyche of those three-brained beings who please you has become such an ‘anomaly’; I did not, as I have already told you, soon return home to the planet Mars, as I did on previous occasions, but I remained to exist among your favorites about three hundred of their years.

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“As I now commence the narration of the information elucidating the state of the results already obtained from every cause in the common presences of the three-brained beings of the planet Earth, which pleases you, my essence prompts me and animates my ‘I’ and all the separately spiritualized parts of my common presence to emphasize, first of all, that during this last personal sojourn of mine on the surface of your planet I had to study very seriously and even to elucidate experimentally the details not only of the psyche of single individuals of your favorites taken separately, but likewise the perceptions and manifestations of the psyche of these single individuals taken in a general mass—dependently upon the combinations of surrounding conditions and the results brought forth by them and also upon their mutual reactions.

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“For the purpose of these elucidating experiments of mine I was even obliged this time to have recourse to the help of those branches of general knowledge which we call ‘Samonoltooriko,’ ‘Gasometronoltooriko,’ and ‘Sakookinoltooriko,’ that is, to those branches the similarities to which are found among your favorites also, these specialties being named ‘medicine,’ ‘physiology,’ and ‘hypnotism.’

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“Just at the beginning of this sixth personal sojourn of mine I soon categorically made clear, thanks to my experimental investigations, that most of the causes of the strangeness of their psyche are found not in that usual consciousness of theirs, in which alone they have already automatized themselves to exist in what is called their waking state, but in that consciousness of theirs which, thanks to their abnormal ordinary being-existence, was gradually driven within their common presence and which although it should have been their real consciousness, yet remains in them in its primitive state and is called their ‘subconsciousness.’

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“This subconsciousness is, however, just that part of their general psyche about which… do you remember? I have told you already that it was first noticed by the Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash, who constated that in that part of their psyche there are not yet atrophied the data for the fourth sacred impulse which is named ‘Objective-Conscience.’

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“When I had chosen as the place of my fundamental existence the locality in the center of the continent Asia called ‘Turkestan,’ I not only went from there to the places where the processes which interested me proceeded, but during the pauses or lulls in these processes I also traveled a great deal, visiting almost all the continents, and during these travels I encountered beings of most, as they say, ‘peoples.’

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“During these travels of mine I remained nowhere for long excepting in certain independent countries on the continent Asia called ‘China,’ ‘India,’ ‘Tibet,’ and of course also that lately largest half-Asiatic half-European community called ‘Russia.’

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“In the beginning I devoted all the time I had free from observations and investigations concerning the chief aim which I had set myself for this time, to the study of languages there, in order to have greater possibilities of better establishing everywhere corresponding relations with the beings of all ‘types,’ belonging to every kind of their ‘peoples’ there.

31.531

“Maybe, my boy, you do not yet know that it is also on this ill-fated planet only that there exists the excessive absurdity which consists in this: that there for mutual ‘spoken relations’ among themselves, again thanks to the abnormal external conditions of their ordinary existence, there are as many diverse languages or ‘dialects’ that have nothing in common with each other as there are separate independent groups into which they have gradually become split; whereas on all other planets of our Great Universe where three-brained beings breed, there is everywhere one common what is called ‘sound-manifesting-mutual intercourse.’

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“Yes… and this ‘polyglotism’ is also one of the characteristics and exclusive particularities of these strange three-brained beings who please you.

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“And there for every scrap of terra firma, or even for each insignificant independent group accidentally separated from each other upon such a scrap, there was formed by these strange beings, and there still continues to be formed, for ‘spoken relations’ a quite separate speech.

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“Thanks to this, it now happens there on the planet Earth that if one of the inhabitants of any locality of this planet by chance finds himself in another place of the same planet, he has no possibility whatever of intercourse with the beings there similar to himself, unless he learns their language.

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“Even I, who had then learned perfectly eighteen of their different languages, found myself during my travels under conditions at times where I had not even the possibility of getting fodder for my horse, in spite of the fact that my pockets were full of what is called there ‘money,’ for which in general they will give you with the greatest joy there anything you please.

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“It may happen there that if one of these unfortunate beings existing in some town or other, knowing all the languages used in that town, finds it for some reason or other necessary on another occasion to be in some other place at a distance of fifty or so of what are called there ‘miles’—which distance corresponds approximately to one of our ‘Klintrana’—then this ill-fated three-brained being, happening to be even at this insignificant distance from the place of his somehow or other established existence—owing to the abnormality there, referred to, and also of course because in the common presences of these unfortunate beings the data in general for instinctive perception were long ago atrophied—becomes absolutely helpless and can neither ask for what he really needs, nor understand a word of what is said to him.

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“These numerous languages of theirs not only have nothing in common with each other, but one of them will sometimes be so built up that it has absolutely no correspondence with the possibilities of those organs of the common presence of the being which are specially adapted by Nature for this purpose and which are called ‘vocal cords’; and even I, who have a much greater possibility in this respect, was entirely unable to utter certain words.

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“The beings of the planet Earth themselves, however, realized this ‘absurdity’ of theirs, and recently while I was still there, a number of ‘representatives’ of their different ‘solid’ communities met somewhere together jointly to find a means for a way out of this difficulty.

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“The fundamental purpose of these representatives of the contemporary ‘important’ communities who assembled together was to select one of the languages already existing there and to make it common for the whole planet.

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“However, as usual, nothing resulted either from this really sensible intention of theirs, owing as ever, of course, to those same usual dissensions of theirs, thanks to which all their promising beginnings always fall through.

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“In my opinion you will find it useful if I tell you a little more in detail why, in the given case, these said ‘dissensions’ of theirs occurred, as this will be a very characteristic example of all the ‘dissensions’ in general arising among them.

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“At the outset, these said representatives of the contemporary solid communities, why I don’t know, fixed their choice of a common planetary language on one of the three following languages existing at present, called: ‘Ancient Greek,’ ‘Latin,’ and… the language newly composed by the contemporary beings, ‘Esperanto.’

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“The first of the said three languages was the one which was worked up and which served for the ‘spoken relations’ of the beings of that ancient community there, which, as I have already told you, arose from a small group of Asiatic fishermen and which group later became a solid community, the beings of which were during a long period specialists there in the ‘invention of sciences.’

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“From the beings of this community, that is from these said ancient Greeks, not only many different sciences but likewise their language reached contemporary beings.

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“But the second language which they proposed to make a common planetary language, namely, ‘Latin,’ was the language spoken by the beings of that ancient solid community formed, as I have also told you, from a small group of Asiatic shepherds, whose descendants were later the cause of the fact that in the presences of all the beings there of subsequent generations there was gradually formed and ultimately in the contemporary beings became already definitely fixed and obligatorily inherent in them, that perverted function thanks to which all impulses arising in them, in the sense of striving for evolution, are already automatically paralyzed at their very roots, and which they themselves call ‘sexuality.’

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“Well, when these representatives of various contemporary ‘powerful’ communities met in order collectively to choose one or another of the mentioned three languages, they could not settle upon any one of the three languages owing to the following considerations:

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“Latin they found poor in the sense of the number of words.

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“And indeed, my boy, the shepherds with their limited needs could not create a many-worded language; and although Latin became later on the language of a large community, yet beyond the special words required for orgies, they did not introduce into it anything that could suit the contemporary beings of your planet.

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“And as regards the Greek language, then although by the wealth of its vocabulary it might indeed serve as a universal language for their whole planet, because these former fishermen, in ‘inventing’ every possible kind of fantastic ‘science,’ happened also to devise very many corresponding words which remained in that language, yet these representatives of the contemporary powerful communities could not fix their choice upon it owing to a peculiar particularity which also flows from this same strange psyche of theirs.

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“The point is that all the beings assembled to select a common planetary language were representatives of communities which had become at the period of their contemporary civilization powerful or, as they also say, ‘great.’

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“But this ancient Greek language continues at the present time to be spoken by the beings of a contemporary small community called ‘Greece,’ who, though they are descendants of the former ‘great Greeks,’ have not now at their disposal as many of what are called ‘guns’ and ‘ships’ as those ‘important communities’ whose representatives were just then assembled in order unanimously to select one common language for the whole planet.

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“Therefore, in all probability each of these representatives deliberated somewhat as follows:

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“‘Heavens above! can anybody use a language which is spoken by the beings of such a trifling community? It hasn’t even guns to entitle its representatives to equal participation in our “international five-o’clocks.”’

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“And indeed such contemporary beings there, namely, such as become representatives of important communities, know nothing of course of the true reasons why, that is, on their planet, beings similar to them, dwelling on one or another part of the surface of their planet or who make up this or the other community, become at times temporarily ‘important’ or ‘great.’

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“They do not even begin to suspect that this proceeds not because of any particular qualities in the beings themselves of the given communities, but depends exclusively only from what part of the surface of their planet, in correlation with the harmonious movement of the whole of their solar system, there is required at the given period for the purposes of the most great Omni-Universal-Trogoautoegocratic process more of those vibrations arising either from their radiations or from the process of the sacred Rascooarno proceeding with them.

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“And in regard to the third language which these assembled representatives also proposed making the common planetary language, namely, that language which they call Esperanto—over it there did not indeed then arise among them even their usual squabbles which they characterize with the words ‘foaming-at-the-mouth’—they themselves, with all the bobtailedness of their reason, immediately reflected that this language could not now in any way be useful for their purpose.

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“The inventors of this language must have imagined that a language is like one of their contemporary sciences which can be cooked up at home in one’s study; indeed, it never entered into their heads that every more or less ‘practical’ language can be formed only in the course of many centuries and even then only during the process of more or less normal being-existence.

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“This new invention there, this language Esperanto, might however do for our highly esteemed Mullah Nassr Eddin for composing the amusing anecdotes he tells his hens…!

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“In short, this promising beginning of theirs, in this business of establishing one common planetary language, changed nothing there in their ‘height of absurdity’ and everything remained as before down till now, that is, this comparatively petty planet, with a petty ‘half-dead terra firma,’ continues to remain, as again our dear teacher Mullah Nassr Eddin says, ‘a thousand-tongued hydra.’

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“Well, my boy… when I commenced my investigations, in regard this time to the fundamental aim I had set myself, in order to become assuredly aware of all the causes which produced such a peculiar psyche in the presences of the three-brained beings of the planet pleasing to you, and when therefore it soon became necessary for me to make clear certain of what are called ‘hidden details’ in the common presence of this psyche of theirs, there unexpectedly arose for me just at the beginning of this last personal stay of mine among them a very serious difficulty consisting in this: that the bringing to light of these properties hidden within them, namely, the properties found in their subconsciousness, turned out to be possible exclusively only with the intentional help on the part of them themselves, that is, with the help of that consciousness of theirs, which with the flow of time had become proper to be possessed by them during their waking state. Furthermore, I made clear to myself that it was necessary that this said voluntary help should come from the three-brained beings there of all the types of which in general during recent times they had begun to be completely formed.

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“But meanwhile, by this time, as it proved, there had already been almost atrophied in them every kind of data for the arising in their presences of the being-impulse called ‘sincerity.’ And it was atrophied to such a degree that they no longer had the possibility, even if they wished, to be sincere, and not only with other beings but even with their own selves, that is, they already could not with one of their spiritualized parts criticize and judge another part of themselves impartially.

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“It must be said here that my subsequent special researches revealed to me that the causes of the atrophying of the data, which should be in them also, for the possibility of being sincere with themselves, had one basis; while the causes of the atrophying of the possibilities of being sincere with others, had another.

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“The basis for the atrophying of the first of the mentioned data is derived from the fact of the disturbance of the coordination of their common psyche.

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“The point is that, then, at the beginning of this sixth existence of mine among them, on the one hand, in their general presences data yet continued always to be crystallized for the arising in them, as in all the three-brained beings in general, of the being-impulse called ‘self-remorse,’ and which they themselves call ‘Remorse of Conscience’; while on the other hand every kind of their inner and outer manifestations in the ordinary process of their being-existence began to become always less and less becoming to three-brained beings.

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“Consequently, in their presences there arise more and more frequently the causes for the manifestation of the said being-impulse of Remorse of Conscience. And as the sensations thereby induced, which are similar to those which arise from ‘being-Partkdolg-duty,’ infallibly lead to the suppression and the enslaving of the ‘denying-principle’ inherent in the common presences of the three-brained beings, called ‘self-calming’; then in them, during every kind of inner and outer manifestation of their common presences, which flow from the natural stimuli of one or another separately independently spiritualized localizations proper to be present in the three-centered beings, each time with the arising of this sensation of self-remorse, disagreeable to them, at first intentionally on the part of their ruminating parts, and later, thanks already to the habit which they had created, there began to be stifled and gradually to cease, ‘self-criticism.’ And so, by reason of this ‘impotency’ arising and always increasing in their organization, which involved, by constant repetition, the whole disharmony of all the functioning of their psyche, there gradually almost disappeared from their common presences such data also infallibly inherent in every three-brained being of all our Great Universe for manifesting sincerity even towards themselves.

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“As basis for the disappearance from their common presences of data for ‘ableness-to-be’ sincere with other beings similar to themselves, there served just that abnormal form of their mutual relationship long before established there, which, as I have already told you, was based on their mutual division into different what are called ‘castes’ or ‘classes.’

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“When there began among them and soon became inevitable the habit of allocating one another to these various maleficent castes of theirs, then from that time, in the common presence of each one of them, there were gradually crystallized two particular quite opposite what are called ‘organic properties,’ the manifestation of which, little by little, even ceased to depend on either their ordinary consciousness or on their ‘subconsciousness.’

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“These two properties consist in this, that they always behave towards each other either, so to say, ‘haughtily’ or ‘servilely.’

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“During the manifestation of both these properties there are paralyzed in them all relations on what are called ‘equal terms’ with anybody whomsoever, thanks to which not only the inner sincere but also even the outer ordinary habitual relations have become established among them in such a way that already it has become quite usual, particularly in recent times, that if someone belongs to a caste considered higher than the caste of another, then in everything and always in relation to this other there arise in him impulses called there either ‘haughtiness’ or ‘contempt’ or ‘patronage’ or ‘condescension,’ and so on. And if somebody considers his own caste lower than that of another, then there will infallibly arise in him impulses which they call ‘self-abasement,’ ‘false humility,’ ‘sycophancy,’ ‘bootlicking,’ ‘cringing,’ and many other such specific impulses, the totality of which constantly corrodes in their presences what is called ‘awareness-of-one’s-own-individuality,’ which ought to be present in them also.

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“The said property which already became inherent in their common presences gradually led to this, that they lost the habit and automatically ceased to be able to be sincere with other beings similar to themselves, even with those belonging to their own caste.

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“It was for this reason, my boy, that I decided while existing among these favorites of yours this time, to choose, from among the professions existing there, that one which gives the possibility at times of automatically establishing among them those relations by which they can be sincere up to a certain degree, and this in order that the possibility might be open to me to make the investigations which were indispensable to me, and by this means to obtain materials for my elucidations.

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“That is why I then became just such a professional there as is called at the present time a ‘physician.’

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“This profession there corresponds somewhat to that profession which those whom we call our ‘Zirlikners’ have.

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“Besides this said profession, there is, by the way, there yet another profession, with the representatives of which some of your favorites automatically become more sincere perhaps than with others, particularly concerning those, as they express themselves, ‘inner-experiencings’ of theirs which I needed most of all for my elucidation.

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“However, although that profession might yield more material for my investigations, I did not wish to choose this profession for myself, to which what are called ‘confessors’ most often devote themselves, for the sole reason that this profession constantly constrains one to play outwardly a role and never allows one to consider one’s inner real impulses.

31.540

“Before telling you further, I must, I think, enlighten you a little also about what the contemporary physicians there represent in themselves, who ought to correspond to our Zirlikners.

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“You probably already well know that Zirlikners among us on the planet Karatas, as also in general beings similar to them on other planets of our Great Universe upon which breed already-formed three-brained beings, and from the number of whom are several, who, called differently on different planets, take upon themselves essential obligations in relation to the environment of beings similar to themselves—well, these Zirlikners are those responsible individuals who voluntarily devote the whole of their existence to helping any being of that region to fulfill his being-obligations, if this being for some reason or other, or simply thanks to a temporary irregular functioning of his planetary body, ceases to be able to fulfill his inner or outer being-duty by himself.

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“It must without fail be noticed that in former times also on your planet such professionals as are now called there physicians were almost the same and did almost the same as our Zirlikners among us; but gradually with the flow of time, the responsible beings there who devoted themselves to such a profession, namely, to the fulfillment of such a high voluntary being-duty taken upon themselves, degenerated like everything on that strange planet and became also absolutely peculiar.

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“And at the present time there, when the functioning of his planetary body in one or other of your contemporary favorites becomes deranged in this or that respect, and when this being ceases to be able to fulfill his being-obligations, these contemporary physicians of theirs are also called in for help; and, no question about it, these physicians do also indeed come; but how they help and how they discharge by their inner essence the obligations taken upon themselves, it is precisely here, as our highly esteemed Mullah Nassr Eddin says, that ‘the dead camel of the merchant Vermassan-Zeroonan-Alaram is buried.’

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“Know first of all that at the present time there those contemporary three-brained beings become those professionals who for the most part, during the period of their preparation to be responsible beings, succeed, as is said there, in ‘learning by rote’ much miscellaneous information concerning those means for getting rid of every possible kind of what are called their ‘illnesses,’ means which old women in their dotage, during all previous times on their planet, employed upon or advised for three-brained beings there to this end.

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“Among the number of such means for getting rid of the said illnesses, there are chiefly various remedies existing under the name of ‘medicines.’

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“Well, when one of the contemporary beings becomes a responsible professional, and when other beings needing his help apply to him for this help, he uses or prescribes just these mentioned remedies.

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“Here it will be very useful for the development of your reason, if to your common presence is added a ‘logicnestarian-implantation’ from information concerning one particular very peculiar property which is acquired in the psyche of these contemporary professionals of the planet Earth.

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“This peculiar psychic property is acquired by those terrestrial professionals as soon as they receive the title of ‘qualified physician,’ and it functions constantly in them during their wish to help other beings who need their aid.

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“The point is that, in their common presences, both the intensity of the desire to help and the quality itself of the help given always depend exclusively on the smell there is in the house to which he is called.

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“Namely, if the house to which such a contemporary professional is called for help smells of what are called ‘English pounds,’ then in it, thanks to this smell, not only does his inner ‘being-wish’ to help the suffering being increase to the point of what is called ‘ne plus ultra,’ but even in outer manifestations his planetary body at once assumes the form of a ‘Dzedzatzshoon,’ i.e., a ‘beaten dog.’

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“In the case of most contemporary physicians there even appears on their faces from this smell what are called ‘bootlicking’ expressions, and their ‘bobtail’ becomes pressed tight, almost glued, ‘between their legs.’

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“But if the house to which such a terrestrial ‘Zirlikner’ is called for help to a needy being smells of what are called ‘cancelled-German-marks,’ then his inner being-wish to help the person in need also increases, but only in this respect, that he may write out as quickly as possible what is called a ‘prescription,’ invented by the Germans, and the more quickly leave the house.

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“Here also, I must tell you that when in this second case the contemporary terrestrial beings who have the profession of physician leave the house of the person who needed their help and walk along the street, then all their exteriors, even the muscles of their faces, invariably express something as follows: ‘Eh, you curs, look out! otherwise I shall crush you like cockroaches; don’t you see that here comes not just anybody, but a genuine representative of science who has fully assimilated the knowledge given by the highest contemporary seat of learning!!’

31.543

“It will be most opportune now to tell you a little also concerning those ‘medicinal means’ I mentioned, which exist there in great numbers under every kind of name and which on the advice of these contemporary physicians are introduced into themselves by other ordinary beings, ostensibly as an aid in their various illnesses.

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“And it is also infallibly necessary to tell you about it… for… who knows… you too may suddenly have to exist at some time or other on that peculiar planet among these queer folk, and you would not know how to deal with these numerous medicinal means and what significance to give them.

31.543-4

“First of all, know and remember this, that the young three-brained beings there, particularly of the most recent times, who prepare themselves to take, when they arrive at the age of responsible existence, the profession of a physician only learn by rote as many names as possible from among the many thousands of these said medicinal means now known there.

31.544

“And later, when they have already become responsible beings having this profession and receive the official title of physician and when they are called upon to help the beings who need it, then their whole help consists in this that they make a being-effort of a certain intensity just to remember the names of several of these medical means and to write them later on a scrap of paper called by them ‘prescription,’ with the intention of prescribing that mixture which should be introduced into the planetary body of, as they say, the ‘invalid.’ The intensity, however, of their effort depends first of all on the ‘social status’ of the being needing their help, and secondly on the number of eyes fixed upon them by the beings surrounding the given sick being.

31.544

“Well, further, this said prescription thus written by them is taken by the near relatives of the person needing the help of the contemporary Zirlikner there to one of their contemporary what are called ‘pharmacies,’ where their ‘pharmacists’ prepare the required ‘mixtures.’

31.544

“And how in general such mixtures are prepared in these pharmacies and exactly of what they are composed, well, just this you will well understand if I relate to you one only of the numerous informations I learned concerning it, and which I was told by one of the beings there having just this profession of a pharmacist.

31.544

“This, my present tale, refers to that period when I had already often begun to frequent that large community which was called Russia.

31.544-5

“Well, in one of the two chief places of existence of this said large community, namely, in the one which was called ‘Moscow,’ friendly relations happened to be established between myself and such a professional, that is, a pharmacist.

31.545

“According to the notions there, this pharmacist was already an old being and his character was very kind, and even, so to say, obliging.

31.545

“He belonged to what is called there the ‘Jewish faith.’

31.545

“It is necessary to tell you here, that there, on almost all the continents at the present time, these pharmacists are, why I don’t know, mostly beings belonging to the Jewish faith.

31.545

“And so… when I used to go to that second chief place of Russia, where that acquaintance of mine, the pharmacist, existed, I would always call on him and there in the back room of his pharmacy, which as a rule they call a ‘laboratory,’ I used to chat with him about every kind of ‘fiddle-faddle.’

31.545

“Once when I went as usual into this said laboratory of his, I saw that he was pounding something in a mortar, and, as is usually done there on these occasions, I inquired what he was doing.

31.545

“To this he replied to me thus:

31.545

“‘I am pounding burnt sugar for this prescription,’ and here he handed me a scrap of paper on which the usual prescription was written of a widely spread medicinal means existing there under the name of ‘Dover’s powder.’

31.545

“This powder is called there ‘Dover’s,’ because it was invented by a certain Englishman whose name was Dover, and it is used there chiefly for coughs.

31.545

“I read the prescription he gave me and I saw that sugar was no part of it, and much less burnt…. Whereupon I expressed to him my amazed perplexity.

31.545

“Whereat, with a good-natured smile, he answered me, ‘Of course sugar has no part in this prescription, but instead it does contain a certain percentage of “opium.”’

31.545

“And he further explained as follows:

31.546

“‘This Dover’s powder is, I don’t know why, a very popular remedy among us in Russia, and it is used by almost all the peoples of our enormous empire.

31.546

“‘Many hundreds of thousands of packets of powder are used here daily all over the country and the opium this powder ought to contain is, as you know, no cheap thing and if real opium were put into this powder, the opium alone would cost us pharmacists six or eight kopecks a packet, and we have to sell this powder for three to five kopecks. Besides, even if all the opium from the whole of the globe were collected the position would be the same, there would not be enough for our Russia alone.

31.546

“‘So instead of the prescription of Doctor Dover we pharmacists have invented another prescription consisting of such substances as are easily obtainable and which are accessible and profitable for everybody.

“‘That is why we pharmacists make this powder of soda, burnt sugar, and a small quantity of quinine; all of these substances are cheap… well, quinine is, it is true, a little expensive… but then, you see, not much of it is required. Of the total 100 per cent of the composition of these powders, there will only be about 2 per cent of quinine.’

31.546

“Here I could not help interrupting him: ‘You don’t mean it?… But it’s not possible!… Has no one ever discovered that instead of Dover’s powder you give them this particular mess?’

31.546-7

“‘Of course not,’ laughingly replied this good acquaintance of mine. ‘These things can be detected only by sight and taste; and this Dover’s powder which we make, however you turn it and under whatever microscope you examine it, is in color the same as it should be according to the genuine prescription of this Doctor Dover. And as to taste, it is absolutely impossible thanks chiefly to the proportion of quinine which we put into it, to distinguish it from the genuine powder made with the real opium.’

31.547

“‘But the analysis?’ I asked him.

31.547

“‘What analysis?’ he replied sarcastically, though also with a kind smile. ‘A thorough analysis of a single powder would cost so much that, with this money, you could buy not only half a hundredweight of this powder, but possibly even open a whole pharmacy with it; so it is understandable that, for three or five kopecks, nobody is likely to be such a fool.

31.547

“‘Strictly speaking, nowhere is the analysis about which you are thinking ever done.

31.547

“‘Each town, it goes without saying, has its “analytic-chemists,” and even every municipality has such “specialists” in its service.

31.547

“‘But what do they amount to and what do they know, these specialist “analytic-chemists”?

“‘Perhaps you do not know how these specialists who occupy such responsible posts study, and what they understand?… No?…

“‘Then I shall also tell you about this.

31.547

“‘For instance, some mama’s darling, a young man, inevitably with a pimpled face—and he is pimpled because his mama considered herself a high-brow and thought it was “indecent” to speak of and to point out certain things to her son, whereupon this son of hers, not yet having formed his own consciousness, did that which was “done” in him, and the results of these “doings” of his, as with all such young people, appeared on his face as pimples, which are very well known even to contemporary medicine…

“‘Well, my honorable doctor…’ it was thus that the pharmacist continued.

31.547

“Before, however, continuing, my boy, to tell you further what the kind pharmacist said, I must tell you that when I became a professional physician there, your favorites everywhere called me ‘doctor.’

31.547-8

“I will some time without fail explain to you about that title of theirs, because owing to that hateful word doctor, a very sad and tragic misunderstanding occurred there once to our dear Ahoon.

31.548

“And now listen to what that kind pharmacist there said to me further.

31.548

“He said, ‘This young man, this mania’s darling, with the pimpled face, studies at a certain university to become a specialist analytic-chemist, but there at the university he is bound to study those special books usually fabricated in Germany by “learned beings” there.’

31.548

“… And really, my boy, among these contemporary Germans, especially during recent times, the invention of ‘scientific’ books in all branches has also increased.

“Since analysis is also a branch of their science, so in this branch also a great mass of books has already been accumulated among these German scientific beings, and almost all the peoples of Europe as well as other countries use these scientific books.

31.548

“Well, that kind pharmacist said further: ‘It is this young man who has finished his University course and consequently drawn his knowledge concerning what is called the “complex of substances” from the books fabricated by the German scientific beings, who must make the analysis of our Dover’s powder.

31.548

“‘In those German books from which he gathered his knowledge of the complex of substances it is of course also stated of which elements these and the other substances consist, and the formulas of these elements are also certain to be quoted.

31.548-9

“‘It is also explained in these books what appearance these substances have in which are present all the elements which should be in them, and how their external appearance changes if these elements are not in them. Several homemade means for recognizing the substances are also given in these German books, as for instance, by sight, by taste, by burning, and by certain means that ancient grandmothers of olden times had heard tell of, and so on and so forth.

31.549

“‘After finishing the course, this young man then receives the title of analytic-chemist. Sometimes it happens that before receiving a responsible post, the young man happens to get “practice” consisting usually in this, that he serves for a certain time at a “slaughterhouse,” where he helps the local chemist, also a former mama’s darling, to ascertain with the aid of a microscope, in a certain way only known to themselves, whether the pork contains trichinae; and only later, when a place is vacant somewhere, is he appointed to the official post of analytic-chemist.

31.549

“‘Well, dear Doctor, such an official analytic-chemist receives our Dover’s powder for analysis. On receiving it he recognizes it as Dover’s powder either by looking at it or by tasting it as ordinary mortals do, or because the sender writes to him that it is precisely Dover’s powder.

31.549

“‘For this analysis he takes up from his table what they call his “pharmaceutical guide,” also composed by Germans, which every official analytic-chemist is bound to have; and there in that guide he hunts up the place where are written the formulas of powders of all kinds.

31.549

“‘As Dover’s powder is known everywhere, it is of course also included in that book.

31.549

“‘Thereafter our highly respected analytic-chemist takes from his table a form on which official title is indicated and writes:

“‘“The powder sent to us for analysis proves to be, according to all the data, Dover’s powder. The analysis showed it to contain…” And he copies a formula from his German pharmaceutical guide, deliberately increasing or diminishing some of the figures, but increasing or diminishing them of course only very slightly so that they may not slap you in the eye.

31.549-50

“‘And he does this first of all so that everyone should know that he has written the results of his analysis not any old way but that he has really investigated the matter; and secondly, because, whatever you may say, he as town pharmacist being also an official person will little wish, I think, to make enemies for himself in the town where he lives.

31.550

“‘The form thus written is dispatched to him who sent the Dover’s powder, and the famous analytic-chemist himself is quite at peace as no one knows that he has made no analysis at all, nor could anyone check him, first because he is the only official analytic-chemist in the town, and secondly, because even if one of these powders of ours should be taken to any other phenomenal chemist in another town, nothing alarming could happen… are there no other Dover’s powders in the world? The packet of powder he analyzed no longer exists, because naturally in making the analysis he had to destroy it.

31.550

“‘Besides, no one is to be found who, for the sake of three kopecks’ worth of Dover’s powder, would kick up such a fuss.

31.550

“‘At all events, venerated Doctor, for thirty years now I have been making these powders according to the prescription of “ours,” and I certainly sell them; and up to today I have never had any misunderstanding on account of these Dover’s powders of ours. And no misunderstanding can occur, because Dover’s powder is already generally known everywhere and everybody is convinced that it is excellent for a cough.

31.550

“‘And all that is required of any remedy is that it should be known to be a good one.

31.550

“‘As regards how the remedy is made and what it contains, what does it matter?

31.550

“‘Personally, in my handling of these remedies for many years, a definite opinion has been formed in me that none of the remedies known to contemporary medicine can be of any use at all without faith in it.

31.551

“‘And faith in a person concerning any remedy arises only when the given remedy is known and when many people say that it is very good for a certain illness.

31.551

“‘It is just the same with this powder of ours; once it is called Dover’s powder, that is enough, because everybody already knows it and many people often say of it that it is excellent for coughs.

31.551

“‘And besides, speaking candidly, our new composition of Dover’s powder is much better than the real one made from the prescription of Dover himself, if only because it contains no substance injurious to the organism.

31.551

“‘For instance, according to the prescription of Doctor Dover himself opium must enter into the composition of his powder.

31.551

“‘And you know the properties of opium? If a man takes it often enough even in small doses, his organism soon gets so accustomed to it that later, if he ceases dosing himself, he suffers intensely.

31.551

“‘But from the powder made from our prescription this would never happen, since it contains none of that opium or any other substance harmful to the organism.

31.551

“‘In short, my esteemed Doctor, every one ought, when walking in the streets, to shout from the bottom of his heart: “Long live the new prescription for Dover’s powder!”’

31.551

“He was going to say something more, but just then a boy brought him from the pharmacy itself a whole stock of various prescriptions, upon seeing which he rose and said to me:

31.551

“‘Excuse me, Doctor. I am compelled to stop our friendly chat and to get busy on the preparation of these innumerable orders.

31.551-2

“‘By bad luck both of my assistants are absent today, one of them because his esteemed other half must bring into “God’s world” today one more mouth to feed, and the other has to attend the courts because a chauffeur is being accused of kidnapping his daughter.’

31.552

“Well, enough of that.…

31.552

“If you should really have to exist among these favorites of yours, you will at least know from this last talk of mine that although the physicians there write a dozen wiseacring names in their prescriptions, yet in these official establishments of theirs which are called pharmacies their remedies are prepared almost always after the fashion of that Dover’s powder.

31.552

“It even happens there that occasionally these kind pharmacists prepare early in the morning a whole barrel of some liquid and a whole box of some powder, and during the entire day they satisfy everyone bringing prescriptions, either by pouring from that common barrel or by taking powder from that common box.

31.552

“In order that this mixture prepared betimes should not always have the same appearance, these kind professionals put in something for coloring with various colors and for changing the taste and smell.

31.552

“In spite of all that I have said, however, I advise you very strongly to be extremely careful with one kind of their remedies, because it does sometimes happen there that these kind pharmacists put into these mixtures something poisonous for the planetary body—of course, by mistake.

31.552

“Moreover, for the beings with normal reason the custom has been established there, of course accidentally, always to depict on the labels of mixtures of that kind what is called a ‘skull and crossbones,’ so that it may be possible always to distinguish that kind of poisonous remedy from the ordinary medicinal means.

31.552-3

“However, in any case, do remember that from among the number of many thousands of known ‘medical means’ applied by the contemporary physicians there, only three, and even then only sometimes, produce some or other real results for the planetary bodies of your contemporary ordinary three-brained beings.

31.553

“One of these three medical means which does sometimes nevertheless produce a useful reaction is that substance, or, more strictly speaking, those active elements entering into it, which the beings of Maralpleicie learned how to obtain from the plant poppy and which they were the first to call opium.

31.553

“The second substance is that which is called there ‘castor oil’; this substance was already used long ago by the beings of Egypt for embalming their mummies, and it was they who also noticed that this substance has, among other things, that action for which it is now used.

31.553

“But the knowledge about this castor oil passed also to these beings of Egypt from the beings of the continent Atlantis, who belonged to the learned society Akhaldan.

31.553

“And the third substance is that which has been obtained there by beings from the dawn of centuries from what is called the ‘Cinchona tree.’

31.553

“Now listen, my boy, to the information about the newly invented name of those terrestrial contemporary physicians articulated as ‘doctor.’

31.553

“It would seem that this invention is that also of the beings of the ‘important’ community of Germany there, and they invented this articulation for the purpose of defining some merit or other of some among them, but this same invention of theirs, which was widely spread on the whole of their planet, became, for some reason or other, the ordinary nominal name for all the contemporary physicians there.

31.553

“It must be even emphasized that, thanks to this invention of theirs, there was added there yet one more to the number of factors, the totality of which constantly leads them into error and by which their being-mentation, already weakened without this, becomes year by year more ‘makhokhitchne.’

31.554

“On account of this new word of theirs, even our Ahoon, in spite of his having an incomparably more normal presence, and being clothed with a being-reason of higher quality, had while we were there a very disagreeable, even an almost idiotic misunderstanding.

31.554

“As for the rest, it will in my opinion be much better if he tells you about it himself.”

31.554

Having said this, Beelzebub addressed himself to Ahoon in the following words:

31.554

“Tell us, old man, how this then happened and what made you for several days the whole time ‘Skoohiatchiny’ and ‘Tsirikooakhtz,’ or as the three-brained beings of the planet Earth would say, made you just ‘grumble’ and be ‘irritable’ like your friend there, Dame Bess.”

31.554

To this Ahoon, again imitating the style of Beelzebub and this time even his very intonation, began to relate as follows:

31.554

“This misunderstanding happened to me owing to the following cause:

31.554

“During this sixth visit of ours to the planet Earth, just towards the very end, we had to exist, by the way, for a little while also in the capital of those same German beings who, as His Reverence condescended to say, invented just this word, accursed for me, ‘doctor.’

31.554

“In the hotel where we had the place of our existence, next to my room, or as is said there in the ‘number’ next to mine, there existed a very sympathetic pair of beings who had only recently completed the sacrament of the Union of the Active with the Passive for the purpose of serving the Great All-Universal Trogoautoegocratic process for the prolongation of their generation, or, as they themselves would say, had ‘been married,’ and they were still considered ‘newlywed.’

31.554-5

“Well, with this young couple I accidentally became acquainted in the house of some friends of mine, after which this couple often began to invite me to their room for what is called there a ‘cup-of-tea’; at other times I even myself, without their invitation, used to drop in on them in order to shorten the wearisome ‘German’ evenings.

31.555

“She was, as is said there, ‘in an interesting condition’ and, according also to their expression, was expecting her first-born.

31.555

“They, as well as I, were in that capital for an indefinite period, and on the business for the profession of the Active half of this young couple, and they were therefore existing in that hotel in which we were just staying.

31.555

“There once resounded from them a very nervous rapping on the wall of my room.

31.555

“I instantly ran to them and it turned out there, that ‘himself was not at home, for on that very day he had had to go off somewhere; and during this time she had felt faint and, almost without consciousness, had instinctively rapped on my wall.

31.555

“When I entered she already felt somewhat better, but imploringly asked me to hurry for a ‘doctor.’

31.555

“I instantly of course rushed out into the street. But once there I thought: But where am I to go now?

31.555

“Suddenly I remembered that not far from our hotel a being lived whom everybody called ‘doctor’; it was even marked on a metal plate in front of his name on the door that he was a ‘doctor’; and it was to this ‘doctor’ that I ran.

31.555

“But it turned out that he was dining, and therefore his servant asked me to wait a little in the drawing-room, having explained to me that the ‘doctor’ would have finished dinner immediately with his guests and would soon be coming out.

31.555

“I, of course, sat down in the drawing room awaiting this ‘doctor,’ but it could scarcely be said that I sat very quietly.

31.555

“I was sitting there as if, as beings say there, ‘on live coals’ because I was most anxious about the condition of my neighbor.

31.556

“But the ‘honorable doctor,’ however, never came. Almost twenty minutes passed. I could not bear it any longer and rang the bell.

31.556

“When the servant entered I asked her to remind the ‘doctor’ about me and to say that I was in a very great hurry and could not wait any longer for him.

31.556

“She went away.

31.556

“Another five minutes passed.

31.556

“At last the ‘doctor’ himself appeared.

31.556

“Hurriedly, I shortly explained to him what I wanted from him; but to my astonishment he began to laugh irrepressibly at my request.

31.556

“I thought: Obviously during dinner with his friends this ‘doctor’ has drunk more than one glass too much of ‘German beer.’

31.556

“And only when he had calmed down a little from his hysterical laughter could he tell me that to his great regret he was not a ‘doctor of medicine’ but only a ‘doctor of philosophy.’

31.556

“At that moment I experienced such a state, as if, as it were, I were for the second time hearing our ENDLESSNESS’S ‘sentence’ of exile passed upon His Reverence and those nearest him, and in consequence upon me.

31.556

“Well, our dear Hassein!

“I left the drawing room of that ‘doctor’ and was once more out in the street in the same position as before.

31.556

“Just then, a taxi happened to pass.

31.556

“I got into it and began to reflect: Where, now?

31.556

“I then remembered that in that cafe where I sometimes went, a being also almost always went whom everybody called ‘doctor.’

31.556

“I ordered the chauffeur to hurry to this cafe.

31.556-7

“There a waiter known to me told me that this same ‘doctor’ had indeed been there, but had just left with some of his acquaintances; and that he, the waiter, had accidentally overheard from their conversation that they were going to such and such a restaurant, and gave me the name of this restaurant.

31.557

“Although this restaurant was some way away, yet nevertheless I ordered the chauffeur to go there, as I knew of no other ‘doctor.’

31.557

“At length, in half an hour, we came to this restaurant and there I very soon found this ‘doctor.’

31.557

“Once again, this time, he turned out not to be a ‘physician’ but…‘a doctor of jurisprudence.’

31.557

“I was completely, as is said there, ‘in the soup.’

31.557

“At last it entered my head that I might address myself to the headwaiter of the restaurant and explain to him in detail what I required.

31.557

“This headwaiter turned out to be a very kind being. He not only explained to me what had to be done, but even went with me to a certain physician, this time called a ‘doctor-accoucheur.’

31.557

“We found him by chance at home and he was kind enough to agree to go with me at once. But while we were on the way, my poor neighbor had already brought forth a boy, her first-born, and having somehow swaddled the baby without anyone’s help, was already sound asleep after the terrible torments she had borne in solitude.

31.557

“And so, from that day I have with my whole being hated the sound of the word ‘doctor,’ and to each of the beings of the planet Earth I would advise him to use this word only when he is very angry.

31.557

“That you may the better understand the significance of the contemporary physicians on your planet, it is also necessary to tell you of the saying of our highly esteemed Mullah Nassr Eddin concerning these same contemporary physicians.

31.557

“He speaks of them thus: ‘For our sins, God has sent us two kinds of physicians, one kind to help us die, and the other to prevent us living.’”

31.557

¹ An “Ornakre” is approximately equal to that period of the flow of time which on Earth we would define as a “month.”