Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

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Further, Beelzebub continued to speak thus:

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“After Germany, I had for a short time the place of my existence again there on the continent Europe among the beings of the community called ‘Italy’; and after Italy, among the beings of that community, who became for the beings of the community Russia what are called the ‘sources’ for the satisfaction of that ‘vice’ which long before had become fixed in the abnormal process of the ordinary being-existence of terrestrial three-brained beings of recent centuries, and which is called ‘suggestibility’; that is, I settled among the beings of the community France.

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“Now, my boy, I wish to inform you about the specific aspects of the psyche of those French three-brained beings in such a way that you may, at the same time, make clear to yourself how much in general among those three-brained beings of the planet Earth who please you, the normal possibility for the crystallization of all being-data, in the sense of the capacity to ruminate impartially and personally, has already deteriorated and how at the present time subjective essence-opinion about every reality is formed in them at times entirely opposite to that which should be obtained by the perception of that reality, directly received by them personally through impressions.

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“In my opinion, it will be well if we take these same French beings as an example for making clear what I have just told you.

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“The point is that at the present time among beings of all groupings breeding on that continent Europe on which, as they express it, their ‘cultured existence’ is now concentrated, as well as on all other continents, there became infallibly crystallized already from the very beginning of their formation into responsible beings, data for their representation about the individuality of these same French beings, which data brings forth in them such a definite understanding that these French, of all beings similar to them of their planet, are, as they express it, the most ‘depraved’ and ‘immodest.’

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“Before this, namely, before my choice of the community France as the place of my permanent existence, data was formed in my common presence for just such a representation about them, because, going about everywhere and existing among the beings there of all kinds of groupings which exist at the present time on almost all terra firma parts of the surface of your planet, I frequently heard during all conversations such an opinion concerning the French beings.

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“Although earlier, as I have already told you, I had sometimes been in just that community France, I had, nevertheless, on my preceding visits, paid no special attention to the particulars of the psyche of those beings and to that opinion which beings of nearly all the other communities there had about them.

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“This time, however, when I settled in one of the provincial towns there, and my presence, of course, instinctively expected to perceive impressions from ‘immoral’ and ‘depraved’ manifestations of the local three-brained beings, I, to my great and ever-increasing surprise, ascertained first of all that I would not perceive anything of the kind.

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“A little later, when I began to go about among them, and even to make friends with some of them and with their families, the data for this as it is called ‘automatic opinion’ about them not only began to become decrystallized in me, but there began to become crystallized in me the ‘required-being-data’ for finding out just what was the cause that data could become crystallized in the common presences of other communities for such an opinion about them which did not correspond to reality.

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“All this interested me more and more each day, because, existing among them, it gradually became clear to me that the beings of that community were not only not the most depraved and immoral, but on the contrary they seemed to be the most ‘patriarchal’ and ‘modest’ beings of all the three-brained beings who were grouped on the continent Europe.

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“So I then began specially to observe and to acquire corresponding information, in order to elucidate for myself just that contemporary terrestrial question.

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“While I was there in that provincial town, I was unable to elucidate anything for myself, but later, when I happened to go to the capital of those French beings, then there, from the very first day, the basic causes of that misunderstanding also began to be gradually elucidated in my Reason.

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“For the elucidation of these causes, the following facts then served there, and also my impartial observations and considerations.

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“When I went this time to that capital named ‘Paris’—which, by the way, had now in the logicnestarian-crystallization of the contemporary three-brained beings of your planet, breeding on all the continents, already completely become also such a center of their imagined culture as the cities Samlios, Koorkalai, Babylon and so on, were for the beings of former periods in their time—I went straight from the railway station to the hotel which had been recommended to me while still in the city of Berlin by an acquaintance of mine.

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“The first thing that I happened to notice was that all the servants of that hotel then consisted of foreigners who mostly spoke the English language, whereas, not so long ago, as it seems, all the servants of this same hotel spoke only the Russian language.

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“The day after my arrival in that contemporary Samlios, I inquired for a certain being belonging to a community called Persia to whom I had an introduction from one of my good friends existing in the capital of that community.

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“This new acquaintance of mine, the Persian being, suggested in the evening of that day that I should go with him to what is called the ‘Boulevard des Capucines’ and sit for a while in the then famous ‘Grand Café.’

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“When we arrived at this Grand Café we sat down at one of the many tables which took up, as is usual there in Paris, half the pavement.

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“As I have already told you, a Café serves the same purpose for the beings on the continent Europe as their Tchai-kanas do for the beings dwelling on the continent Asia. The only difference is this: on the continent ‘Asia’ in a Tchai-kana they give you a certain reddish liquid to drink, squeezed from a certain well-known flower there, while here on the continent Europe, although in these establishments they also give a liquid to drink, yet that liquid is not only firstly completely black, but secondly, from what it is squeezed—no one knows except the proprietor of that establishment.

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“We began to drink the black liquid served to us, called ‘coffee.’

“I noticed here also that all the staff of this Grand Café, or, as they say here, the ‘waiters,’ were beings from other groupings, mostly from the European community called ‘Italy.’

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“You must know that in general in this part of the city Paris, or in this ‘foreign Paris,’ each business is a specialty of the beings of one or other of the contemporary communities of the continent Europe or other continents.

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“And thus, having sat down at a table in that famous Grand Café or rather in the street in front of the Grand Café, we began to watch the passing people just strolling by, passing and strolling on the other half of the pavement of this Grand Café.

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“Among the strolling crowd were beings of almost all the separate groupings both of this continent Europe as well as of the other continents, mostly of course from those communities whose turn it was at that period to be rich; there predominated, however, in that crowd, beings of the continent America.

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“The beings of the continent America had already there in Paris finally taken the place in recent times of the beings of the great community Russia after the ‘death’ of this latter.

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“There strolled by there, beings chiefly belonging to the caste of the ruling class, who often come there, as they say, to the ‘capital of the world’ to ‘have a good time.’

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“There were many businessmen also among them, who had come there to Paris for what are called the ‘fashion-goods,’ chiefly for perfumery and women’s clothes.

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“Among the varied crowd walking on the Boulevard des Capucines, many young people could also be noticed who had come there to learn how to dance ‘fashionable dances’ and make ‘fashionable hats.’

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“As we, while talking, were examining that mixed crowd, whose faces expressed their satisfaction at the fulfillment of a long-awaited dream, my new acquaintance, the young Persian, suddenly turned to me in surprise and pointing with his finger at a passing couple, exclaimed:

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“‘Look! Look! There go genuine French people!’

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“I looked and saw that indeed this couple greatly resembled those beings whom I had seen in the provincial towns of that community France.

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“After they had disappeared from sight in the crowd, we began to discuss in order to understand the reason why that genuine French couple came to be in this part of their ‘capital.’

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“After various surmises, we unanimously agreed that that couple probably lived in some outlying part of genuine French Paris and had gone, for some family feast or other at their relatives, to another part of this French Paris which lay just on the opposite side.

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“Evidently at that family feast they had drunk rather excessively and returning home after the feast, they did not want to make a detour, and decided to take the direct route. And this direct route evidently passed just by the Grand Café.

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“Probably for this reason alone, did these genuine French people appear in this part of Paris.

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“Talking, we continued to look at the strolling crowd decked out in the latest fashions.

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“Although the majority of them were decked out in these latest fashions, yet from everything, it was obvious that these clothes of theirs had only just been bought—today or yesterday—and from close observation and comparison of their faces with their clothes, one could, without doubt, be convinced that in the ordinary process of their existence at home they rarely had the possibility of being so richly dressed and of feeling so free from care.

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“When, among these ‘visiting foreign princes,’ as some of the ‘natives’ call them, all sorts of also foreign ‘professionals-of-both-sexes,’ already ‘well-acclimatized’ to that part of Paris, were walking ‘in mass,’ my new acquaintance, the young Persian, suggested to me that he should become my ‘Paris cicerone’ and that we should go to what are called the ‘disreputable places of Paris’ and look at French ‘depravity.’

“I agreed, and we went from that Grand Café, first of all to what is called a ‘brothel’ situated near by.

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“There, in the first place, I learned that the owner of this ‘noble establishment’ was a certain Spaniard.

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“In the rooms of this house was a crowd of women: ‘Poles,’ ‘Viennese,’ and ‘Italians,’ and even two ‘Negresses’ were there.

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“I had wanted to see how genuine Frenchwomen appeared in this setting, but from my inquiries it became clear that there was not even one Frenchwoman in this establishment.

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“After this brothel we again went on to the Boulevards, and began to walk and observe the strolling, varied crowd.

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“And there also everywhere we met large numbers of the beings of the feminine sex with the obvious signs on them of the aim of their ‘nocturnal quests’ on these Boulevards.

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“All these women belonged to the already enumerated nationalities, as well as to others, namely, there were also ‘Swedes,’ ‘English,’ ‘Russian,’ ‘Spaniards,’ ‘Moldavians,’ and so on there, but scarcely one genuine Frenchwoman.

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“Soon some dubious-looking beings of the male sex began to accost us and proposed to us that we do with them a certain ‘Grand Duke.’

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“At first I did not understand what ‘Grand Duke’ meant, but on various inquiries it became clear that these strange words had acquired there a definite meaning quite recently, namely, from the time when the now dead ‘monarchic Russia’ flourished there.

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“It turned out that the beings there of that time, belonging to the caste of the ruling class of that dead Russia were very fond of the ‘capital of the world’ and often went there; and almost every one of them, out of ‘swank,’ gave himself out as a titled individual, such as ‘Count,’ ‘Baron,’ or ‘Prince,’ but most frequently of all, as a ‘Grand Duke.’ And, since all of them obligatorily paid ‘visits’ to dubious places of ‘foreign Paris,’ the professional guides now call such a ‘tour’ the tournee du Grand Duc (which in English means ‘the Grand Duke’s tour’).

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“Having taken one of these guides, we also went to see the nocturnal ‘sights’ of that contemporary Koorkalai.

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“We visited various of these ‘haunts’; we were in the cafe of the ‘homosexuals,’ and in the club of the ‘Lesbians,’ and in many of those ‘evil hearths’ where every ‘abnormality’ proceeds, which are repeated from time to time in all the chief ‘centers-of-culture’ of these unfortunates.

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“Visiting these disreputable places, we eventually reached the streets of the famous, as it is called ‘Montmartre,’ not strictly on Montmartre itself, but on the lower slope of the district of that name, which abounds in every kind of nocturnal maleficent ‘disreputable establishment,’ destined however not for the beings of that community France, but exclusively for the beings only who come there from other separately independent groupings, or, as they themselves say, for ‘foreigners.’

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“Besides many of these dubious establishments, there likewise exist there a great many night restaurants, for foreign visitors also, which are open the whole night long.

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“All this district in general only becomes animated at night; by day it is almost, as they express it there, ‘dead,’ and of foreign visitors not one ever goes there.

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“In all these restaurants there are what are called ‘open stages’ on which they show various ‘amazing things,’ which proceed, as it were, among those beings similar to themselves who belong to other communities existing on other parts of the surface of their planet.

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“They show that ‘stomach dance’ of the African beings, the Caucasians with their ‘dagger dances’ and the ‘mulattos’ with their snakes—in a word, whatever is considered at that season to be a ‘fashionable novelty’!

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“But all that they show there in the ‘Montmartre theaters,’ as if it proceeded among the beings similar to them breeding on other continents of their planet, has in no case anything in common with what I, who had existed everywhere and who had been greatly interested to see and study all specific manifestations of the beings of each given locality, had in fact seen there on the spot.

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“In recent times in this Montmartre, very many what are called ‘special Russian restaurants’ had been opened, and both in these special Russian restaurants, as well as other restaurants, the so-called ‘artists’ and ‘actors’ are beings of just the great community Russia, mostly from the beings of the former ruling class there.

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“It will be as well to notice and to draw your attention to the fact that the fathers and grandfathers of these ‘artists’ or ‘actors’ of the contemporary ‘Montmartre theater restaurants’ still only quite recently in these various establishments there in Montmartre—thanks of course to what is called the ‘sweat of peasants’—laughed at and insulted the individual dignity of the beings of other communities, but now their children and grandchildren themselves are humbled and serve as objects for the satisfaction of the ‘Hasnamussian caprices’ of what are called the ‘much-moneyed beings’ of other communities.

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“As regards such a condition of affairs, our wise Mullah Nassr Eddin has also a very wise saying; he, namely, says:

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“‘If a father likes to ride though it be but a child’s sled, his son must obligatorily be prepared to drag the great village sleigh up the mountainside.’

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“While I sat in one of those restaurants with my said new friend, the Persian, he was called away by some other acquaintances, Persians, and I remained alone at the table with the champagne, the ordering of which in these restaurants at night in Montmartre is in general obligatory.”

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At this point in his tale Beelzebub sighed deeply, and then continued thus:

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“Just now, while telling you about that evening spent in the restaurant in Montmartre among the contemporary three-brained beings breeding on that planet Earth which pleases you, there involuntarily revived in me the ‘being-Sarpitimnian-experiencing,’ which I experienced at that time, and now at this moment the memory of all that I experienced is so intensely and repeatedly associated in all the three spiritualized parts of my common presence, that I am compelled to digress from the theme begun, in order that I may share with you these sad and distressing reflections which were induced in me in those dreadful surroundings in Montmartre by my solitude after the said young Persian, who became my cicerone in Paris, had left me.

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“Then, namely, for the second time in the whole of my existence, there proceeded in my Being the process of this same being-Sarpitimnian-experiencing, which had engendered in my common presence a revolt on account of various unforeseeingnesses on the part of our Most High, Most Saintly Cosmic Individuals, and of all the objective misfortunes flowing from them, which have already obtained and, maybe, will still continue to obtain on this planet Earth as well as in all our Great Universe.

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“How was it possible not to foresee in their calculations of the harmonious movement of cosmic concentrations that the comet Kondoor would collide with this ill-fated planet Earth?

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“If those who should have done so had foreseen this, then all subsequent unfortunate consequences issuing one from the other would not have happened and there would not have been the need to implant in the first three-brained beings of that ill-fated planet that, for them, maleficent organ Kundabuffer which was the cause of all subsequent distressing and terrifying results.

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“It is true that later when it was no longer necessary and this for them maleficent organ was destroyed, they yet again did not foresee that by the destruction of the organ itself the possibility was not destroyed that in the future the given consequences of its properties would, owing to a certain manner of existence of the beings, become crystallized in the presences of their descendants.

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“In other words, they did not foresee for the second time also that even if it were possible to destroy that organ, yet the fundamental Cosmic Law Heptaparaparshinokh with its ‘Mdnel-Ins’ nevertheless remains, in the sense of the evolutionary process for the three-brained beings of the planet Earth just as for everything existing in the whole Universe.

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“It was thanks particularly to the second almost criminal ‘unforeseeingness’ that this situation, terrifying for the three-brained beings, obtains there, namely, that on the one hand there are in their common presences as in the presences of all the three-brained beings of our Great Universe, all the possibilities for coating the ‘higher-being-bodies,’ and at the same time, thanks to the crystallization which has become inherent in them of the various consequences of the organ Kundabuffer, it is almost impossible for them to carry the higher sacred parts coated in them up to the required degree of perfecting. And since, according to the fundamental common cosmic laws, such a formation as their ‘higher-being-part,’ coated in the common presences of three-brained beings, is not subject to decomposition on planets, and since the planetary body of the beings cannot endlessly exist on planets and the process of the sacred Rascooarno must inevitably proceed with them at the proper time, therefore, their unfortunate higher bodies arising in the terrestrial three-brained beings must inevitably languish also forever in all kinds of exterior planetary forms.

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“Sitting then in solitude in the restaurant in Montmartre and watching the contemporary favorites of yours gathered there, I continued to ponder:

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“How many centuries have passed since that time when I began to observe the existence of the three-brained beings of this ill-fated planet!

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“During these long centuries many sacred Individuals have been sent down to them here from Above with the special aim of helping them to deliver themselves from the consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer, yet nevertheless nothing has changed here and the whole process of ordinary being-existence has remained as before.

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“During this time, no difference whatsoever has arisen between those three-brained beings of this planet, who existed nearly a hundred of their centuries ago, and the contemporary ones.

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“Are not the beings sitting here the same, and do they not behave as unbecomingly as the beings of the city Samlios on the continent Atlantis, which was considered by all the three-brained beings of that time as the ‘source-and-place-of-concentration-of-the-results-of-attainments-in-the-sense-of-the-perfecting-of-their-Reason’—or as the contemporary beings here would say, ‘the-chief-center-of-culture’—and where I also sat among the beings there in their, as they then called similar restaurants, ‘Sakroopiaks’?

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“And after Atlantis had perished, and many, many centuries had passed, when I was on the continent Asia in the city of Koorkalai, their new center-of-culture of that ancient community there called Tikliamish, and sat at times among them in their Kaltaani which were similar also to contemporary restaurants, was I not witness of similar ‘scenes’?

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“There in front of me, that stout contemporary gentleman with the enormous foreign growth on his neck is sitting with two young street girls… dress him in the costume of a ‘Kafirian,’ will he not be exactly like that very type I saw then sitting in a Kaltaan of the city Koorkalai?

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“Or over there, on the left, at another table a contemporary young man is sitting, who in a squeaky voice convincingly holds forth to his bottle-companion about the causes of disorders which proceed in some community… dress his head in a ‘chambardakh’ and would he not be exactly like a real, as they were then called, ‘Klian-of-the-mountains’?

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“And that tall man pretending to be an important gentleman, sitting alone in the corner, making eyes at a lady who sits with her husband among the neighboring company… is he not a real ‘Veroonk’?

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“And these waiters, exactly like dogs with their tails between their legs, who serve the people sitting there… are they not ‘Asklay-slaves’?

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“And in their majestic city Babylon, where I also happened to be, many of their centuries later… was it not the same there? Were not the three-brained beings of the city Babylon those same Asklays, Kafirians, Veroonks, Klians, and so on?…

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“Only their dress and the names of their nationalities have changed.

“During Babylonian times they were called ‘Assyrians,’ ‘Persians,’ ‘Sikitians,’ ‘Aravians,’ and by other different names ending in ‘ian.’

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“Yes… and now again, after so many centuries, I am again here, in their contemporary center-of-culture, the city Paris.

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“And again it is the same… shoutings, uproar, laughter, scoldings… the same as in the city Babylon, as in the city Koorkalai, or even in Samlios, their first center-of-culture….

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“Do not these three-centered beings of today gather together to pass the time in a way unbecoming to three-centered beings, in as unbecoming a way as three-centered beings used to pass the time in all former periods of existence on that unfortunate planet?

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“And during the time in which I have observed these unfortunates, not only whole peoples of many of their centers of culture have disappeared without trace, but also the terra firma on which they existed has either completely changed or disappeared from the face of that planet, as happened for instance to the continent Atlantis.

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“After Samlios, their second center became the continent ‘Grabontzi.’ Have not the peoples inhabiting it also disappeared from the continent Africa in the same way? And if the continent itself has not disappeared, yet at least that place where its center lay is now so covered with sand that, besides what is called the ‘Sahara desert,’ nothing exists.

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“Again many centuries passed; their center was formed in Tikliamish. What remains of it, but deserts now called ‘Red sand’?

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“If some nation formerly famous has perhaps survived in its thousandth generation, then it is now vegetating in complete nothingness somewhere not far from that place where that nation dwelt.

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“Then again many centuries passed.

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“I saw their center Babylon; what has remained of this truly great Babylon? A few stones of the city itself and a few remnants of peoples formerly great, who, although they continue still to exist, are yet regarded by contemporary beings as quite insignificant.

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“And what will become of this contemporary center-of-culture of theirs, of the city Paris, and of the peoples powerful today who surround it: French, Germans, English, Dutch, Italians, Americans, and so forth?… future centuries will show.

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“But meanwhile, only one thing is certain: these unfortunate germs of ‘higher-being-bodies,’ which arose and still continue to arise in some of the three-brained beings here, are compelled, as I have already told you, to ‘languish’ in the presences of all kinds of abnormal forms, to actualize which, owing to the nonlawful consequences arising from the lack of foresight of some of our Most-High-Most-Most-Sacred-Common-Cosmic-Individuals, has become proper to this maleficent planet Earth.

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“I was still absorbed in such thoughts, so sad personally for my essence, when my new friend, the young Persian, returned.

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“Having sat a little longer in that restaurant where it had already become extremely noisy and stifling, we decided to go on to another restaurant which was also there in Montmartre.

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“But when we got up and were about to leave, a company of beings who were sitting beside us at another table, having overheard our conversation about the new place to which we intended going, spoke to us and asked us to sit a little at their table, and then go on together to where we had proposed going. They asked us to wait until a friend of theirs would arrive.

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“These new acquaintances of ours turned out to be beings from the continent America.

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“Although it grew more and more unpleasant in that restaurant and the noise of the drunken voices increased, yet we at first agreed to wait for their friend; but when in a far corner of the room of that restaurant a row suddenly started, we left without waiting for those American beings.

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“And the row in the far corner of the room started, as it transpired, because one being who was in the company of others struck one of them on the head with a champagne bottle, only because this latter would not agree to drink to the health of a certain prime minister of some government there, but wished to drink without fail to the health of the ‘Toogoortski-Sultan.’

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“One of the Americans who did not want to wait any longer for his friend went with us to the other restaurant.

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“On closer acquaintance with this American three-brained being, he turned out to be merry, observant, and loquacious.

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“All the way, and then there at the new place we went to, he talked all the time and made us laugh, chiefly because he very skillfully and aptly noticed the comic aspects of the people we met and of the people sitting in the new restaurant.

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“Later, from inquiries, it became clear that this American was the owner of a big school of fashionable dancing there in Paris.

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“From all he told us about his business, I understood that the pupils of his school consisted entirely of American beings who learned chiefly one favorite American dance, the ‘fox trot.’

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“I also understood that this dance, the fox trot, was purely American in origin and that it is popular and danced in full swing chiefly there in America.

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“And that was why, when we together had all chosen a new brand of champagne, and this merry American stopped his chatter a little, I asked him:

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“‘Tell me, please, respected sir, if this is so, why do you not have your school over there at home in America instead of here, in the city Paris, so far from your own country and from the place of the “arising” of this “beneficent” fox trot?’

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“‘What! What!…’ he exclaimed in a sincerely surprised tone. ‘But I have a large family!

“‘If I had my school in my native country, not only would my family die of hunger, but I should not even be able to rent a damp room in New York to shelter us during bad weather from the freezing North winds there.

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“‘But here in the city Paris, thank the Lord, there are plenty who wish to learn that fox trot, and who will pay well for it.’

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“‘I do not understand,’ I interrupted. ‘You tell me that your pupils are entirely of your countrymen who come here, and at the same time you say that nobody over there would attend your school. How am I to understand this?’

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“‘That is just the point,’ answered the honorable American.

“‘The cause of this is a very little psychological kink from the number of those many other specific kinks which all together make up the stupidity of my compatriots.

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“‘The point is that my school is in Paris, or, as “clever” men say at home in America, in the “contemporary Babylon.”

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“‘And this contemporary Babylon is very popular among all our Americans, and all of them consider it an obligation to visit this world capital.

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“‘Every one of our Americans who has saved up, if only a little, must without fail come here.

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“And, by the way, you must know it is not so easy for us to save up in America. It is only here in Europe that they think that, in America, dollars almost roll about the streets. But in reality those American dollars, I repeat, are not at all easily acquired by those who live there. Every cent must be earned by one’s own physical labor.

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“‘They do not at all pay at home in America as they do here in certain European countries for various ephemeral values, such as fame, renown, talent, and so forth.

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“‘For example, here in Europe, if some, let us say, painter, happens to paint at some time or other a good picture, and he becomes famous, then ever afterwards, no matter what trash he may produce, the public will always pay a great deal of money for that trash, simply because it is said to be the work of that “famous” painter.

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“‘At home in America, however, things are very different in this respect. Everything is done there for cash, and every work is judged by its measure and weight. Name, talent, genius, and that kind of merchandise, is cheap with us and therefore dollars are acquired in America with great difficulty.

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“‘But fortunately for me, our Americans have many other weaknesses and among them is the passion “to see Europe.”

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“‘Owing to that same passion, every American, even depriving himself at times of essential necessities, tries hard and with great difficulty to economize little by little the dollars he has earned, only to have the possibility of visiting Europe and of course the “capital of the world”… Paris.

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“‘That is why there are always enough of my compatriots here, as is said, “to sink a ship”—this is the first reason. And the second reason is that, as our Americans have still another exaggerated weakness, namely, vanity, their imagination is flattered that people will say that they have learned the fox trot not in some Philadelphia or Boston, but in Paris itself, where fashionable novelties for all the Earth originate, and as the fox trot is a fashionable novelty, the “Paris fox trot” is then for them, so to say, the result of the last word in civilization.

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“And so, thanks to these two ferments in our Americans, I, a poor dancing teacher, always have a sufficient number of Americans here who pay me well.

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“‘It is true, they pay me in francs and not in dollars, but the money-changers must also earn something—they too have families.’

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“After this explanation of his, I asked him further:

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“‘Tell me also, please, my dear sir, is it possible that your compatriots come here to the city Paris and stay here so long only to study this fox trot of yours?’

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“‘Why only the fox trot?’ he replied.

“‘During this time they also visit Paris itself and its outskirts, and sometimes they even travel quite far. In short, they also “study” Europe during this time.

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“‘They “visit” and “study” Europe in order, as they say there at home, “to complete their education and schooling”; but between ourselves, it is only said as one of the parrotlike phrases of those among us who pretend to be real English, whereas in reality my compatriots see Paris as well as Europe, only to satisfy their weakness of vanity.

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“‘They see it, not to be more learned or to become more informed, but only to be able to boast afterwards there at home in conversation with their acquaintances, that they have, so to say, been in Europe and seen there this, that, or the other.

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∅

37.681

“‘Here in Europe in every convenient place, there is even for this purpose a branch of an establishment under the name of “Book and Son” which suits this particular need very well, and of course there is also one of these branches here in Paris.

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“‘Well, these dear compatriots of mine collect together like a flock of sheep, in groups of several scores, and that whole party of “tourists” sits in an enormous what is called “Book’s bus” and go where they are taken.

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“‘On that Book’s bus, besides the “chauffeur” there is another person, called a “Book’s sleepy-type.”

37.681

“‘During the trip of that famous Book’s bus, this same “sleepy-type” in a weak voice calls out from time to time the names of the places and the various historical and nonhistorical “sights” of Paris and its environs, learned parrotlike according to the “itinerary” mapped out by Book himself. In a word, this is the way my dear compatriots “study” Europe.

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“‘These “sleepy-types” have very weak voices and look half-consumptive because they are usually very tired and don’t get enough sleep; and this is probably explained by the fact that many of these types work hard somewhere at night, besides working for “Book and Son,” in order to get, together with the tiny earnings from “Book and Son,” enough for their families to live on, as it is no easy task to support a family, especially in Paris.

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“‘And the fact that my dear compatriots hear little of what these “sleepy-types” with weak voices say has no great significance. Is it not the same to them what that sleepy-type mutters, or in what voice? For it is quite unnecessary for them to know any of the details of what they are seeing. Is it not all the same to them what they see and what it all means? All they need is but the “fact” that they were in that place itself and in a general way saw everything.

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“‘They are fully satisfied with this, for afterwards in conversation they can freely say with a “clear conscience” that they were here, there, and everywhere, and all the other Americans will think that the speaker is not just the tail of a donkey, but that he also has been in Europe and has visited everything there and seen every “sight” that every contemporary “educated” person must see.

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“‘Ekh!… my good Sir. Do you think that it is I alone who live by the “stupidities” of my compatriots?

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“‘What am I?… I am a little man, only a dancing teacher.

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“‘But did you notice that fat man sitting with me in the first restaurant? Well… that is a real “shark.” Many of them, incidentally, have “sprung up” at home in America, especially in recent times.

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“‘That fat man, an Americanized English Jew, is the principal partner of a well-known, very solid American firm.

37.682-3

“‘This firm has its branches in many cities in America as well as in Europe, and the fat man who sat with me in the first restaurant is the one who fulfills the duties of director of the Paris branch of the firm.

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“‘That firm not only fills its pockets through the stupidities of its compatriots, but into the bargain it unfortunately adds much of its own “meanness.”

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“‘And they concoct this “melange” in the following way: the branch of the firm here, advertising itself well by American methods, is already widely known to my compatriots, and therefore, many of them, owing to always their same “vanity” and to other weaknesses, proper by the way to those beings of whom my compatriots mostly consist, always order their so-called fashionable dresses from this branch here, and the branch here sends to them “from the capital of the world” “real French models.”

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“‘All this is done “quite honorably,” according to all contemporary commercial rules on the basis of “triple-entry bookkeeping” and “Shachermacher-accounting.”

37.683

“‘As regards, so to say, the “intimate side of the business” of this American “solid firm” of ours, founded by various American “sharks,” it is just here that these “sharks” skin everyone, and this only for the benefit of their own bottomless pockets.

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“‘Well, when this Paris branch receives a mail order direct from its American clients, this same mail order is then sent d.i.r.e.c.t.l.y. to the German branch, and there, in Germany, where materials and labor are much cheaper than here in Paris, the branch there s.l.o.w.l.y. and l.e.i.s.u.r.e.l.y. carries out this American “mail order” according to all the codes of “Paris fashions,” whereupon it very calmly sticks onto its production a “Paris label” and, again, d.i.r.e.c.t.l.y… forwards it by steamer via Hamburg to its New York branch, from which the client receives her order, happy and proud that tomorrow she will wear “not just anything” but a real “Paris dress,” sewed in Paris itself, after the “latest Paris fashions.”

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“‘What is most interesting of all is that nobody is offended at this “commission business” of this “solid firm,” but on the contrary it is “convenient” and “easy” and “profitable” for everyone. From this “commerce” of theirs, even the French, the hosts of the “capital of the world,” “gain,” but… it is true, they only gain in so far as they make profit out of the postage stamps which it is necessary to stick on the letters during correspondence between the customers and the Paris Branch.

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“‘As you see, everyone is satisfied and everyone is pleased, and even benefited; and the chief thing is that the axiom of political economy, now accepted by everybody, is justified, namely, that without international exchange of goods, countries cannot possibly exist.

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“‘But what am I?… I am only a poor dancing teacher!…’

37.684

“That jolly American was going to say something else, but at that moment a great hubbub arose in the next room of the restaurant and desperate voices of men and women who sat there were heard. We got up and only when we went out into the street did we find out that a being of the female sex from the community called ‘Spain’ had flung ‘vitriol’ into the face of another being, also of the female sex, from the community called ‘Belgium,’ because the latter had given a cigar case as a present, engraved with the inscription, ‘Always ready at your service,’ to a being of the male sex from the community called ‘Georgia,’ whose Paris existence had been supported till this day by the first woman.

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“When we got into the street it was very late; it was already dawn, and having parted from that amusing American, we went to our hotels.

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“While pondering, on my way home from that famous Montmartre, over everything I had seen and heard, it was then that I well understood why and how such an opinion not corresponding to reality about the beings of that community France which they always have, had been formed in the beings belonging to other communities.

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“Thanks to everything I had seen and heard in that part of the city Paris, it had become clear to me that those beings of other communities who come here to France, come first of all to this part of Paris and to other such places where everything without exception is organized and adapted especially for them by foreigners like themselves, but who had come there long before and consequently had learned to speak the local language much better than they.

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“And in view of the fact that generally the capacity for being-rumination in contemporary beings becomes atrophied and what is called a ‘wide-being-horizon’ is absent, they take everything and regard everything as ‘French’ and afterwards, when they return to their community again, they always relate to other beings of their community about everything they have seen, heard, and experienced in that part of Paris as if it were entirely of French origin and that French beings did it all.

37.685

“In this way, such an opinion about the French is gradually formed in other beings, not at all corresponding to reality.

37.685

“Moreover, there is also another and deeper cause for this opinion which had been formed about the beings of the community France in the peculiar consciousnesses of the beings of other communities, and in the given case it is also based on one of the peculiarities of their general psyche. This peculiarity is acquired in them, once again thanks to that maleficent usage invented by themselves which they call ‘education.’

37.685-6

“The point is that there, in children, from the very first day, as they express it, of ‘their appearance on God’s earth,’ when Nature herself is still continuing to form the given prime conception of the future three-brained responsible being, they begin, by this same maleficent ‘education’ of theirs, to hinder Nature from herself producing the necessary formation.

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“This is not all: Thanks to their maleficent usage ‘to-educate,’ they fill and drive into what are called the ‘Spetsitooalitivian-concentrations,’ or as they themselves would say, the ‘brains’ of these newly born beings, all kinds of their ephemerally fantastic ideas, which brains are localized in general in beings for the perception and accumulation of all kinds of impressions, as well as of the results of conscious being-awareness, and which among the newly born are still quite pure and of maximum perceptivity.

37.686

“The greatest misfortune for them is that this maleficent process continues to proceed for the majority of them almost up to the age when they should already be responsible beings.

37.686

“As a result of all this, that mentioned peculiarity of their general psyche just obtains which is derived from the following: firstly, the general functioning, present in their whole being, of the sum of almost all their functions for active being-manifestations, little by little adapts itself to respond only to the sum of these false and fantastic ideas; and, secondly, the whole presence of each one of them gradually accustoms itself to perceive all subsequent new external impressions without any participation at all of those being-factors which in general are put in the beings for new perceptions, that is to say, to perceive them also only according to these previously introduced false and fantastic ideas present in them.

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“In their new perceptions, the contemporary three-brained beings there ultimately lose even the need itself for embracing as a whole everything newly seen or newly heard, and the newly seen and newly heard only serve them as shocks, so that in them associations proceed of the information previously installed in them and corresponding to this newly seen and newly heard.

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“This is why, when these contemporary favorites of yours already become responsible beings, everything newly seen and newly heard is perceived by them of its own accord automatically without the participation of any effort whatsoever on the part of their essence-functions, and without at all evoking in them, as I have already said, the being-need itself of sensing and understanding everything proceeding within them as well as without.

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“In a word, they are satisfied with that alone, which someone once consciously or unconsciously put into them.

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“I hope, my dear boy, that after all I have now told you, it will by itself become clear to you, why, just among the three-brained beings of other groupings on your planet, data as regards the beings of the separate grouping which exists there under the name of France, have been crystallized for such an opinion not corresponding to reality.

37.687

“However this may be, yet for the ordinary beings of this France, it was a great misfortune that the contemporary three-brained beings there of other separate groupings selected, for their what are called ‘cultured manifestations,’ the capital of that community.

37.687

“At any rate, I personally pity with all my essence the ordinary beings of this community, that their capital, even though only one definite part of it, has begun to be considered the contemporary ‘center-of-culture’ for that whole planet.

37.687-8

“One must simply even be astonished, that the majority of beings of the community France could, although without the participation of their consciousness, nevertheless preserve in their presences those data for the two being-impulses on which objective being-morality is chiefly based, and which are called ‘patriarchality,’ that is, love of family, and ‘organic-shame,’ in spite of the fact that they exist in the sphere of conditions of ordinary being-existence there which have now become quite abnormal, thanks to the fact that their capital, as I have already told you, has to their misfortune begun to be considered, and really is, the contemporary ‘chief-center-of-culture’ for the whole of that ill-fated planet.

37.688

“Owing to all this, in this contemporary center of the whole planet, as it had for a long time been the practice, those beings rush and flock from the whole planet, who have completely given themselves up to the ‘evil-God’ reigning there already without limit inside each of them, namely, to that ‘evil-God’ who became their Ideal, and the conception of whom is very well expressed in the words: ‘to-attain-to-a-complete-absence-of-the-need-for-being-effort-and-for-every-essence-anxiety-of-whatever-kind-it-may-be’; and coming here to France, they must of course have, consciously or unconsciously, a corresponding harmful influence on the beings of the whole community.

37.688

“How great a misfortune it is for the ordinary beings of that France that the contemporary ‘center-of-culture’ should lie within their community, you will well understand, my boy, if I tell you about one of the consequences of this. I learned about it thanks to that information which was communicated to me in one of the latest etherograms concerning the three-centered beings of that planet of yours.

37.688

“It is necessary to tell you that it had already become in general customary that when beings from the whole of the planet, who have already completely given themselves up to their, as I said, inner ‘evil-God,’ flock to this chief center of culture, then these beings, among other of their maleficent actions, further do this: they occupy themselves out of idleness, in order to satisfy their whims, with devising ‘new-forms-of-manifestations-of-their-Hasnamussianing,’ or as is said there, with ‘new fashions,’ and spread them from there over the whole of the planet.

37.688-9

“This Hasnamussian usage, that of devising ‘new fashions,’ existed in former civilizations also; during the Tikliamishian civilization it existed under the name of ‘Adiat,’ and at the time of Babylon, under the name of ‘Haidia.’

37.689

“‘Adiat,’ ‘Haidia,’ or ‘fashions,’ consist in this: the beings devise various new means of being-manifestation in ordinary existence, and means for changing and disguising the reality of one’s appearance.

37.689

“Adiat, Haidia, or fashions, are like our customs for daily being-existence which are established for the daily use of the three-brained beings for the alleviation of inevitable exterior conditions independent of beings, and which usually gradually enter everywhere into the daily use of beings as a necessary need, essential for them. These said contemporary customs or fashions of theirs are, firstly, only temporary and thus serve for the satisfaction only of the personal insignificant aims of these present and future Hasnamusses, which become phenomenally abnormal and trivially egoistic; and secondly, they are neither more nor less than the results of automatic Reason based on that relative understanding, which generally flows from the abnormally established conditions there of ordinary being-existence.

37.689

“Thus, in this same city Paris, about one and a half of their centuries ago, several of these Hasnamussian candidates ‘invented’ that the beings of the female sex there should go about with their hair cut, and this maleficent invention of theirs began to spread like wildfire by ways and means already established there.

37.689

“But as at that period, in the beings of the female sex of that same community France, the feelings of morality and patriarchality were still very strong, they did not adopt that maleficent invention; but the beings of the female sex of the communities called England and America did adopt it, and began to cut their hair.

37.689-90

“Moreover as the beings of the female sex of both these communities there began voluntarily to deprive themselves of that part of themselves which is adapted also by Great Nature for certain exchanges of cosmic substances, Nature did not fail to react and began to produce corresponding results, which will certainly take the forms, as had already occurred twice on this planet: the first time, in the country ‘Uneano,’ now ‘Kafiristan,’ where there appeared what are called ‘Amazons,’ and the second time in ancient Greece, where there was created the ‘religion of the poetess Sappho.’

37.690

“And while in these two contemporary communities, namely, in the community England and in the community America, the cutting of women’s hair has already produced, in the first case ‘suffragettes,’ and in the second what are called ‘Christian Scientists’ and ‘theosophists,’ and moreover when this Hasnamussian fashion of cutting the hair of beings of the female sex became universally spread, as you will learn from the continuation of my tale, a proportionate increase was everywhere noticed—as I was informed by the etherogram I received—in the number of the illnesses of these unfortunate beings of the female sex, which they call women’s diseases, namely, various sorts of venereal inflammations of the sexual organs, such as ‘vaginitis,’ ‘uteritis,’ ‘ovaritis,’ and what they call ‘cancer.’

37.690-1

“And so, my boy, although this same fashion, the cutting of the hair of the beings of the female sex, invented in this Paris itself by beings with Hasnamussian properties, was not then in the beginning implanted in this same community France, yet owing to their capital being the collecting place for the beings with Hasnamussian properties from other countries who continue to persist in this maleficent invention, these latter have ultimately succeeded in implanting it; and the beings of the female sex, there in France also, likewise have begun to cut their hair, and at the present time this cutting of their hair is in full swing for nearly all of them. At the hairdressers even, chiefly of course there in their capital Paris, they have to take their turn as I was informed in this etherogram, exactly as people had to take their turn not long ago in the community Russia for receiving ‘American flour.’ And from this contagious rush of women to the hairdressers to get their hair cut, court proceedings are already arising between these hairdressers and the fathers, husbands, and brothers of these ‘shorn lambs,’ and many what are called ‘divorces’ are also obtained.

37.691

“It is interesting that the judges there, as it was also communicated in that etherogram, in each case acquitted the hairdressers on the grounds that the beings of the female sex who went to them were already over sixteen years of age, and had therefore, owing to the laws there, reached their majority and were free to do as they pleased.

37.691

“But, of course, had these French judges, and in general the judges of the whole planet, known that there exists in the Universe a definite law concerning all the formations without exception, which serve the Great Trogoautoegocrat in the transformation of cosmic substances, then they would without any doubt completely change their opinion concerning that understanding which they express by the word ‘majority.’

37.691

“The point is that, according to that definite cosmic law, all those separate individuals, among whom are numbered also all Keschapmartnian beings of the female sex, are for the transformation of cosmic substances the sources of all those active elements which in further cosmic formations must serve in the process of the Great Holy Law Triamazikamno for fusion as its second holy force, that is, they always are, as is said, the ‘negative’ or ‘passive principle.’

37.691-2

“And so, owing to this definite cosmic law, which I have just mentioned, these sources which transform the active elements which serve as the passive principle can never be free to have any independent manifestations. Only those sources can have this independence which transform the active elements which must serve for the Holy Triamazikamno as the ‘affirming’ or ‘active principle.’

37.692

“That is just why these sources which serve as the passive principle cannot be responsible for their manifestations, that is, they cannot be, as they say, ‘major.’

37.692

“While telling you about this separate grouping of the three-brained beings, that is about France, I must also tell you for the fullness of its characterization that in France there are also beings of the ruling class, who also invented very ‘good means’ for the calming of the minds of the ordinary beings of their community, just as the power-possessing beings of the big community Russia employ such a means for the encouragement of the use of the famous Russian vodka, and the power-possessing beings of the community England at the present time attain the same by their not less famous ‘sport.’

37.692

“However, it must be admitted that although the power-possessing beings of the community France also adopt these ‘good means’ and successfully attain their egoistic aims, yet these means, though, be it said, to no credit of the power-possessing beings of the communities of England and Russia, bring scarcely any harm to the planetary bodies themselves of the ordinary beings.

37.692

“This is not all: by these means they unconsciously brought and bring to the ordinary beings of their community a certain benefit, diverting them and giving them temporary relief from the ill effects of their fascination by ‘fashions,’ invented by present and future Hasnamusses gathered in this capital from various countries, and under the slavery of which fashions the ordinary beings of this same France have now fallen even more than all other beings of other communities.

37.693

“These ‘good means’ are called there ‘fairs,’ and at the present time such fairs are held in the principal squares of all their towns and villages in turn, and moreover, just in those squares in which, about two centuries ago, the three-brained beings there usually held discussions on what they call ‘religious-moral subjects.’

37.693

“In justice it must be said, my boy, that these French fairs are very very gay places.

37.693

“I confess that even I myself liked to visit them and pass there an hour or two, thinking about nothing.

37.693

“At these French fairs everything can be had ‘cheap’ and ‘fine.’

37.693

“For instance, every being there, for a trifling fifty centimes, can ‘whirl’ to complete ‘stupor’ on various what are called ‘pigs,’ ‘chameleons,’ ‘whales,’ and so forth, and on various American and non-American new inventions designed just to produce ‘stupor.’

37.693

“If a being recovers too quickly from all these ways of getting ‘stupefied,’ he can then have there, also for a few more centimes, something very tasty, most often prepared right on the spot.

37.693

“It is true that from these tasty things the beings, as far as their stomachs are concerned, often become… h’m… h’m… but what is this in comparison with the pleasure they have had in eating them.

37.693

“And in case any of the ordinary beings there wishes as they say to ‘try his luck’ again for a few centimes, he can satisfy this desire there also on the spot; he may try his luck in every way, for at those famous French fairs there is every means of gambling that exists there on the planet Earth, for speculation as well as for fun, and almost all their games of chance are seen there.

“In a word, all the games, beginning with the ‘roulette of Monte Carlo’ and ending with the game of ‘Snipsnapsnorum.’”