Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

42 Beelzebub in America

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“All I managed to learn was that into all the recipes for these preparations the following acids enter—‘sulphuric,’ ‘nitric,’ and ‘muriatic’ acids, and most important of all, the ‘incantation’ of the famous contemporary German ‘Professor Kishmenhof.’

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“This last ingredient, namely, Professor Kishmenhof’s incantation for alcoholic liquids, is delightfully intriguing; and it is concocted, so it is said, as follows:

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“First of all, there must be prepared, according to any old recipe, already familiar to specialists in the business, a thousand bottles of liquid; precisely one thousand bottles must be prepared, because if there should be merely one bottle more or one bottle less, the incantation will not work.

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“These thousand bottles must be placed on the floor and then, quietly beside them, a single bottle of any genuine alcoholic liquid existing anywhere there, must be placed and kept there for a period of ten minutes; at the end of which time, very slowly and quite indispensably, while scratching the right ear with the left hand, one must utter with certain pauses this said alcoholic incantation.

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“Upon this, not only are the contents of all the thousand bottles instantly transformed into precisely that alcoholic liquid contained in the said single bottle, but every bottle of the thousand even acquires the same label borne by that one bottle of genuine alcoholic liquid.

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“Among the conjuries of this unprecedented German Professor Kishmenhof, there are, as I learned, several indeed most amazing ones.

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“This famous German professor, a specialist in this branch, started, as is said, ‘inventing’ these remarkable conjuries of his quite recently, that is to say, in the early years of the last great general European process of reciprocal-destruction there.

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“When a food crisis supervened in his fatherland Germany, he, sympathizing with the plight of his compatriots, invented his first conjury, which consisted in the preparation of a very cheap and economical ‘chicken soup.’

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“This first conjury of his is called German chicken soup, and its execution is likewise extremely interesting, namely, as follows:

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“Into a very commodious pot, set on the hearth, common water is poured, and then a few very finely chopped leaves of parsley are strewn into it.

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“Then both doors of the kitchen must be opened wide, or, if there is only one door, a window must be opened wide, and, while the incantation is very loudly pronounced, a chicken must be chased through the kitchen at full speed.

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“Upon this, a most delicious ‘chicken soup’ is ready hot in the pot.

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“I heard further that during the years of that great process of reciprocal-destruction, the beings of Germany made use of this conjury on a colossal scale, this method of preparing chicken soup having proved in practice to be, as it were, good, or at least extremely economical.

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“The reason is that a single chicken could do duty for quite a long time, because it could be chased and chased and chased, until for some reason or other the chicken all by itself, as is said there, ‘went on strike’ and declined to breathe the air any longer.

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“And in the event that the chicken resisted the infection of hypocrisy, in spite of its having existed among your favorites, and indeed did cease to wish to breathe the air any longer, then for this eventuality, as I afterwards learned, a common custom was established there among the beings of that group called Germany.

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“Namely, when the chicken went on strike, its owners would very solemnly roast it in the oven, and for this solemn occasion would unfailingly invite all their relatives to dinner.