Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

42 Beelzebub in America

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“The beings of most of the groups on the continent Asia are safeguarded against many venereal diseases as well as against any other ‘sexual abnormalities’, if only, for instance, by such customs known there by the names ‘Sooniat’ and ‘Abdest.’

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“The second custom I mentioned, namely, abdest, which by the way is called differently by the beings of different groups on the continent Asia, is nothing else than the obligatory ablution of the sex organs after every visit to what is called the ‘toilet.’

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“Thanks chiefly to this second custom, most of your favorites breeding on the continent of Asia are safeguarded against many venereal diseases and other sexual abnormalities there.”

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“The present theme of our conversation has reminded me of a certain very interesting conversation, which I had there during my sojourn in France, with a young sympathetic three-brained being. I think that perhaps it would now be best for your understanding of all that has just been said, if I repeat to you that conversation in full, all the more so as, besides explaining the meaning of the custom abdest or ablution, this conversation will enlighten you on many further questions concerning the peculiar psyche of these favorites of yours.

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“‘In this manner I continued to reflect for a whole week, until I suddenly remembered a certain habit of mine which here in Europe I always scrupulously concealed from my acquaintances; I remembered, namely, about that habit of mine which is called among us in Persia, abdest.

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“‘The custom of abdest which, according to the notions here might be called ablution, is one of the chief customs among us in Persia.

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“‘Strictly speaking, every follower of the Mohammedan religion must obey this custom, though it is practiced particularly strictly only by Mohammedans of the Shiite sect; and as almost the whole of Persia is composed of Shiites, the custom is nowhere so widely spread as among us in Persia.

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“‘This custom is that every adherent of the Shiite sect, male as well as female, must, after every “toilet” unfailingly wash his sex organs. For this purpose, every family has the necessary appurtenances considered among us even as the most important, consisting of a special vessel, a particular kind of bowl called “Ibrkh.” And the richer the family the more of these bowls they must have, since such a bowl must at once and without fail be put at the disposal of every newly arrived guest.

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“‘Your religion arose much later and its contents were intentionally restricted by its great creators, who had it in mind to lay particular stress on certain everyday customs.

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“‘They did this because at that time there were clearly manifest both the decline of the Christian religion and the disappearance in ordinary people of the capacity for contemplation, that is, for the state in which alone the truths indicated in the detailedly genuine religious teachings can be understood.

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“‘Having noticed all this, the great creators of the Mohammedan religion decided on the one hand to simplify the teaching itself and on the other hand to emphasize certain customs, so that the everyday life of the followers of this new teaching—who had lost the capacity for contemplation and consequently the possibility of understanding truths consciously—might at least mechanically flow more or less tolerably.

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“‘Just at that time, among other customs, they established and laid particular stress on the customs you mentioned of sooniat, abdest and polygamy, the beneficial results of which we can see even now in practice.

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“‘For example, as you yourself have justly observed, thanks to circumcision and ablution one rarely finds among the followers of this religion either onanism or certain venereal diseases, and thanks to polygamy we see among the followers of this religion such a reciprocal so to say psycho-organic maintenance of the foundation of family life as is almost entirely absent among the followers of the Christian religion.

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“Take, as an example, one of the most seemingly senseless of the customs there—one existing among a certain tribe of Asiatic beings called ‘Kolenian Loors’ or ‘Kolenian gypsies’ dwelling between Persia and Afghanistan, and which other beings there call ‘Gypsy self-fumigation.’

“Exactly the same end is served by this seemingly stupid custom as by the Persian custom of ablution or abdest. This gypsy tribe is regarded as the lowest and filthiest of all the tribes existing on the Earth; and indeed they are so filthy that their clothes are always swarming with the insects called lice.