Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

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Ahoon

 

2 Introduction: Why Beelzebub Was in Our Solar System

2.55

At the time of this narrative, Beelzebub with Hassein and his devoted old servant Ahoon, who always accompanied him everywhere, were seated on the highest “Kasnik,” that is, on the upper deck of the ship Karnak under the “Kalnokranonis,” somewhat resembling what we should call a large “glass bell,” and were talking there among themselves while observing the boundless space.

 

3 The Cause of the Delay in the Falling of the Ship Karnak

3.59

Beelzebub looked with affection on these joyous manifestations of his favorite, but old Ahoon could not restrain himself and, shaking his head reproachfully, called the boy—half to himself—a “growing egoist.”

3.59

Hearing what Ahoon called him, Hassein stopped in front of him, and, looking at him mischievously, said:

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“Don’t be angry with me, old Ahoon. The reason for my joy is not egoism but only the coincidence which chances to be happy for me. You heard, didn’t you? My dear grandfather did not decide only just to make a stop, but he also promised the captain to talk with him….

3.60

“No, dear Ahoon, not only should you not rebuke me, but you should join me in expressing gratitude to the source of all beneficent results that arise.”

 

20 The Third Flight of Beelzebub to the Planet Earth

20.219

“Although I had already existed a whole month in the city Gob, I had neither decided upon nor undertaken anything practical for my aim. I simply wandered about the city Gob, visiting first the various Chaihana, and only later the Chaihana of my new friend there.

20.219-20

“During this time I became familiar with many of the manners and customs of this second group and also with the fine points of their religion; and at the end of the month I decided to attain my aim here also, through their religion.

20.223

“Pardon me, your Right Reverence,” interrupted at that moment Beelzebub’s old devoted servant Ahoon, who had also been listening with great interest to his tales.

“Do you remember, your Right Reverence, how many times in that same city Gob we ourselves had to flop down in the streets during the cries of beings of different forms?”

20.223

To this remark, Beelzebub said:

“Certainly I remember, dear Ahoon. How could I forget such comical impressions?

20.224-5

“And so, my boy, what our Ahoon so mischievously reminded me about concerned just that custom, which developed there in the city Gob, of attaching significance to the voices of beings of various forms and particularly to the voice of what are called ‘donkeys,’ of which there were then, for some reason or other, a great many in the city Gob.

20.225

“Well, then, as we walked along the streets of the city Gob and saw the citizens flopping down at the braying of every donkey, we had to flop down likewise so as not to be distinguished from the others; and it was just this comical custom, I see now, that tickled our old Ahoon so much.

20.225

“You noticed, my dear Hassein, with what venomous satisfaction our old man reminded me, after so many centuries, of that comical situation of mine.”

20.226

“Soon after this decision, I sailed with Ahoon to the mouth of this river, and began to sail up against its current, having become persuaded that there had already passed from the beings of the city Gob to the beings of this group populating these large centers the same new customs and the same notions concerning Sacrificial-Offerings by the destruction of the existence of other beings.

 

21 The First Visit of Beelzebub to India

21.228

“So, my boy, owing to what I have said, I intentionally sat with the conversing beings and joined in their deliberations.

“As a result of it all, we also were then included in the company of their caravan, and two days later we set off together with them.

21.228-9

“I and Ahoon then passed through indeed very unusual places, unusual even for the general nature of this peculiar planet, certain parts of which, by the way, only became so because before that period this ill-fated planet had already undergone two what are called Transapalnian-perturbations, almost unprecedented in the Universe.

“From the first day we had to pass exclusively through a region of various ‘terra-firma-projections’ of unusual forms, which had conglomerations of all kinds of ‘intraplanetary-minerals.’

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“And four days later we came to the chief point of the existence of the beings of that third group, then the city ‘Kaimon.’

“Having arranged there the place of our permanent existence, we did nothing during our first days there but stroll about the streets of the town, observing the specific manifestations of the beings of that third group in the process of their ordinary existence.

 

22 Beelzebub for the First Time in Tibet

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“Having procured everything necessary, I set off, accompanied by Ahoon.

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“This time we passed through places still more peculiar, and through still more uncommon parts of the general Nature of that ill-fated planet; and we also encountered this time, or there came within the sphere of our vision, a much greater number of those one-brained and two-brained beings, of various forms, which are called ‘wild,’ and which in those days came there from very remote parts of the continent Ashhark for the purpose, as it is said there, of ‘hunting.’

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“If you please, if you please, your Right Reverence,” Ahoon interrupted Beelzebub, and rattled off the following:

“Allow me to report to you, your Right Reverence, some information which I happened to pick up concerning just that growth of those same Tibetan mountains about which you have deigned to speak.

“Just before our flight from the planet Karatas,” continued Ahoon, “I had the pleasure of meeting the Archangel Viloyer, the Governor of our solar system, and His Splendiferousness condescended to recognize me and to speak to me.

22.264

“Perhaps you remember, your Right Reverence, that while we were existing on the planet Zernakoor, His Splendiferousness Archangel Viloyer was still an ordinary angel, and used often to drop in to see us?

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“So when His Splendiferousness, during our conversation, heard the name of that solar system where we were exiled, he told me that at the last most high and most sacred reception of finally returned cosmic results, a certain Individual, Saint Lama, had had the privilege of personally presenting at the feet of our ENDLESS UNI-BEING, in the presence of all the Most High Individuals, a certain petition regarding the abnormal growth of the elevations of some planet—it seems just of that solar system—and having received this request, our ALL-GRACIOUS-ENDLESSNESS immediately ordered Archangel Looisos to be dispatched to that solar system where, as one familiar with that system, he might there on the spot clarify the causes of the manifestation of the said projections and take appropriate measures.

“That is why His Conformity Archangel Looisos is at the present time hastily winding up his current affairs in order to set off there.”

22.265

“So, dear Ahoon,” commented Beelzebub, and he added, “Thank you for this information…. Glory be to our CREATOR… what you have just said will probably help to destroy in my presence the anxiety which arose in me when I first constated the abnormal growth of those said Tibetan mountains, namely, my anxiety for the complete disappearance from the Universe of the precious memory of our Endlessly Revered Wisest of the Wise, Mullah Nassr Eddin.”

 

23 The Fourth Personal Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth

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“Well then, the day following our arrival in the city Thebes, accompanied by one of the beings of our tribe who already had many friends there, and also by the chief constructor of the said construction, and of course by our Ahoon also, I went this time on what is called a ‘Choortetev’ down the tributary of that great river now called the ‘Nile.’

 

30 Art

30.449

At THIS place of his tales, Beelzebub became silent and turning suddenly to his old servant Ahoon, who was also sitting there listening to him with the same attention as his grandson Hassein, he said:

30.449

“And you, old man, are you also listening to me with the same interest as our Hassein? Weren’t you yourself personally with me everywhere on that planet Earth and didn’t you see with your own eyes and sense for yourself everything about what I am relating to Hassein?

30.449

“Instead of just sitting there openmouthed at my tales, you also tell our favorite something…. There is no getting out of it. We have got to tell him all we can about those strange three-brained beings, seeing that they have so intensely interested him.

30.449

“Surely you must have been interested in one aspect or another of these queer ducks; well, tell us something just about that aspect.”

30.449

When Beelzebub had finished speaking, Ahoon, having thought a while, replied:

30.449

“After your subtly psychological tales about all these ‘unintelligibles,’ how can I intrude with my tales?”

30.449

And then, with an unusual seriousness and preserving the style and even entire expressions of Beelzebub himself, he continued:

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“It is, of course…. How shall I put it? My essence even was often thrown out of balance by those strange three-brained beings, who with their ‘virtuoso-caperings’ nearly always used to supply an impetus for evoking the being-impulse of amazement in one or in another of my spiritualized parts.”

30.449

And then addressing Hassein, he said:

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“All right, dear Hassein!

30.450

“I will not, like His Right Reverence, relate to you in detail about any particular oddity of the psyche of those three-brained beings of our Great Universe who have taken your fancy. No, I will only remind His Right Reverence of one factor, the cause of which arose during our fifth stay on the surface of that planet, and which, when we were there for the sixth and last time, had become the chief cause why, in every one of those favorites of yours, from the very first day of their arising until their formation as responsible beings, their ableness of normal being-mentation is step by step distorted and finally transformed almost into a ‘Kaltusara.’”

30.450

Thereupon, addressing Beelzebub himself, he, with a timid look and in a hesitant tone, continued to speak:

30.450

“Don’t blame me, your Right Reverence, for venturing to express to you the opinion which has just arisen in me, and which is the outcome of my reflections on data already perhaps worn too thin for mind-conclusions.

30.450

“While relating to our dear Hassein about all the various reasons that have brought it about that the psyche of the contemporary three-brained beings of the planet Earth who have taken his fancy has become transformed, as you once deigned to express yourself, into a mill for grinding out nonsense, you scarcely even mentioned one factor, perhaps more important than the others, which, during recent centuries, has served as the basis for it.

30.450

“I intend to speak about that factor which has already become definitely maleficent for the contemporary beings and at the arising of the cause of which, you yourself were present, as I very well remember during our stay then in Babylon; I mean the factor they themselves call ‘art.’

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“If you should consent in your wisdom to take up that question in detail, then, according to my understanding, our dear Hassein will have perhaps the choicest material for his better elucidation of all the abnormal strangenesses of the psyche of the three-brained beings, who in most recent times arise on that planet Earth which has interested him.”

30.451

Having said this and having with the tip of his tail wiped off the drops of sweat which had formed on his forehead, Ahoon became silent and adopted his usual attentive posture.

30.451

With an affectionate glance, Beelzebub looked at him and said:

30.451

“Thank you, old man, for reminding me of this. It is true that I have scarcely even mentioned that indeed harmful factor—created also by them themselves—for the final atrophy even of those data for their being-mentation which by chance have still survived.

30.451

“All the same, old man, though it’s true that I have not so far once referred to it, that does not mean that I have not considered it at all. Having still a good deal of time before us during the period of our traveling, I should in all probability, in the course of my subsequent tales to our common favorite Hassein, have remembered in its time about that of which you have reminded me.

30.511

At this point of the tales, Beelzebub was interrupted by Ahoon with the following words:

30.511

“Your Right Reverence: all your explanations concerning terrestrial art and those three-brained beings there who now practice it and are so to say its representatives, and particularly your elucidations concerning the contemporary ‘comedians’ there or actors, have suggested to me to use all the impressions fixed in my common presence which I took in during my last stay on the surface of this planet Earth, which has taken our dear Hassein’s fancy, and to give him a good piece of very practical advice.”

30.511

Having said this, Ahoon intended to look expectantly at the face of Beelzebub with his usual glance, that is without blinking for a long time, but as soon as he had noticed his usual, though always sorrowful yet kind and indulgent smile, he, without waiting for the requested permission, and as if confused, at once turned this time to Hassein and spoke as follows:

30.511-2

“Who knows? Maybe, our dear Hassein, you will indeed have to be on that planet Earth and to exist among those peculiar three-brained beings who have taken your fancy.”

30.512

And this time, again keeping the style and intonations of Beelzebub himself, he continued:

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“It is just for this reason, that I now wish to initiate you for any eventuality into the results of the various impressions which I involuntarily perceived concerning the resulting types as well as concerning the particularities of their manifestations of those said contemporary representatives of art there.

30.512

“You must know that those beings who are assumed to be the adepts of this contemporary art which is adorned with a false halo are not only put on their own level by the other three-brained beings there of the contemporary civilization, particularly during the several latter decades, and imitated by them in their exterior manifestations, but they are always and everywhere undeservingly encouraged and exalted by them; and in these contemporary representatives of art themselves, who really in point of their genuine essence are almost nonentities, there is formed of itself without any of their being-consciousness a false assurance that they are not like all the rest but, as they entitle themselves, of a ‘higher order,’ with the result that in the common presences of these types the crystallization of the consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer proceeds more intensively than in the presences of all the other three-brained beings there.

30.512

“Just in regard to such unfortunate three-brained beings the surrounding abnormal conditions of ordinary being-existence are already so established that there are bound to be crystallized in their common presences and to become an inseparable part of their general psyche those of the consequences of the organ Kundabuffer which they now themselves call ‘swagger,’ ‘pride,’ ‘self-love,’ ‘vanity,’ ‘self-conceit,’ ‘self-enamoredness,’ ‘envy,’ ‘hate,’ ‘offensiveness,’ and so on and so forth.

30.513

“These enumerated consequences are particularly conspicuously and strongly crystallized in just those contemporary ‘representatives-of-art’ who are the ‘manipulators’ of the contemporary theaters there, and they are particularly strongly crystallized in them because, always performing the roles of beings similar to themselves, whose Being and significance in the process of their existence are ordinarily far superior to their own, and also, as I have already said, being themselves really almost nonentities, they with their already wholly automatized Reason, gradually acquire false notions about themselves.

30.513

“With such an already quite automatized ‘consciousness,’ and completely ‘nonsensical feelings,’ they feel themselves to be immeasurably superior to what they really are.

30.513

“I must confess, dear Hassein, that though during our earlier visits to the surface of that planet of yours and also at the beginning of this last sojourn there, I went about everywhere and had various relations with those three-brained beings who have taken your fancy, I scarcely ever felt in my common presence a genuine impulse of being-pity for the infinitely unhappy Fate of these favorites of yours due to circumstances hardly depending on themselves at all.

30.513

“But when, towards the end of that sixth sojourn there, certain of them were formed with the kind of inner presence which is now possessed by all the representatives of almost all the branches of that art of theirs, and when these newly arisen types taking part in the process of ordinary being-existence on the basis of equal rights with the other three-brained beings there happened to get into the field of the reception of my sight with their already exaggerated, inner, abnormal, what is called ‘being-self-appreciation,’ then they served as a shock for the beginning of the arising in me of the impulse of pity, not only for them themselves, but also for all these unfortunate favorites of yours in general.

30.514

“Try now to give your attention not to all the three-brained beings in general, nor to the other representatives of their contemporary art, but just to those who have become and have acquired the title of artists or actors.

30.514

“Every one of them really being in respect of genuine essence almost what is called a nonentity, that is, something utterly empty but enveloped in a certain visibility, they have gradually acquired such an opinion of themselves, by means of favorite exclamations always and everywhere repeated by them themselves like ‘genius,’ ‘talent,’ ‘gift,’ and still a number of other words empty also like themselves, that it is as if, among similar beings around them, only they have ‘divine origin,’ only they are almost ‘God.’

30.514

“Now listen and try to transubstantiate for use, at the proper time in the corresponding parts of your common presence, my really very practical advice.

30.514

“This practical advice of mine is that, if for some reason or other you should have to exist, particularly in the near future, among the three-brained beings of that planet Earth which has taken your fancy—I say in the near future, because the presences of these three-brained beings who have taken your fancy and all the already fixed exterior conditions of their ordinary being-existence frequently degenerate—and if you should have some work or other there, proper to every conscious three-brained being, which has as its basis the aim of attaining welfare for surrounding beings, and the fulfillment of which depends partly on them themselves, then in whatever community of the contemporary civilization this may proceed, if you should have to meet in the interests of your work these contemporary terrestrial types in what are called their ‘circles,’ you must never fail to be very, very careful and take every kind of requisite measures to keep on good terms with them.

30.514-5

“Why you must be so careful towards just them, and in order that you may in general better represent to yourself and understand from every aspect these terrestrial contemporarily arisen types, I must without fail mention two further facts which became quite clear there.

30.515

“The first is that, owing as always to the same conditions of ordinary being-existence abnormally established there, and also to the existing ‘illusorily inflated’ maleficent idea of their famous art, these representatives of art gradually become crowned, as I have already said, with an imaginary halo in the preconceived picturings and notions of other three-brained beings there, and thereby automatically acquire an undeserved authority, in consequence of which all the rest of your favorites always and in everything assume that any opinion they express is authoritative and beyond dispute.

30.515

“And the second fact is that these contemporary types who have recently arisen there, acquire, as they are formed, a corresponding inner presence that permits them to become, quite unconsciously on their part, just as easily somebody’s slave, as, thanks merely to chance exterior conditions, they can become his worst enemy.

30.515

“That is just why I advise you to be very, very careful not to make enemies among them, so as not to make a lot of trouble for yourself in the actualizing of your affairs.

30.515

“Well then, dear Hassein, the very ‘Tzimus’ of my advice to you is that if you should indeed have to exist among the beings of that planet Earth and have dealings with these representatives of contemporary art, then you must first of all know that you must never tell the truth to their face.

30.515

“Let Fate spare you this!

30.515-6

“Any kind of truth makes them extremely indignant, and their animosity towards others almost always begins from such indignation.

“To such terrestrial types you must always say to their face only such things as may ‘tickle’ those consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer unfailingly crystallized in them and which I have already enumerated, namely, ‘envy,’ ‘pride,’ ‘self-love,’ ‘vanity,’ ‘lying,’ and so on.

30.516

“And the means of tickling which infallibly act on the psyche of these unfortunate favorites of yours are, as I noticed during my stay there, the following:

30.516

“Suppose that the face of one of these representatives of art resembles the face of a crocodile, then be sure to tell him that he is the image of a bird of paradise.

30.516

“If one of them is as stupid as a cork, say that he has the mind of Pythagoras.

30.516

“If his conduct in some business is obviously ‘super-idiotic’ tell him that even the great cunning Lucifer could not have thought out anything better.

30.516

“Suppose that on his features you see signs that he has several terrestrial diseases from which he is progressively rotting day by day, then with an expression of astonishment on your face ask him:

30.516

“‘Do, please, tell me, what is your secret for always looking so fresh, like “peaches-and-cream,”’ and so on. Only remember one thing… never tell the truth.

30.516

“Although you have to behave in this manner toward all the beings in general of that planet, it is particularly necessary to do so toward the representatives of all the branches of contemporary art.”

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Having said this, Ahoon, with the affectation of a Moscow suburban matchmaker at the marriage of her clients, or of the proprietress of a Parisian fashion workroom in what is called a ‘high-life-cafe,’ began rearranging the folds of his tail.

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And Hassein, looking at him with his usual sincerely grateful smile, said:

30.516-7

“Very many thanks to you, dear Ahoon, both for your advice and, in general, for your elucidation of certain details of the strangeness of the psyche of the three-brained beings of that in all respects ill-treated planet of our Great Universe.”

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Beelzebub, Hassein, and Ahoon ended their conversation and hurriedly began to prepare themselves also.

30.523

The phosphorescent gleaming of the hoofs was obtained because, concentrated in a particular proportion, there were directed from the engine room to that part of the ship the holy parts of the sacred Omnipresent Okidanokh.

 

31 The Sixth and Last Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth

31.547-8

“I will some time without fail explain to you about that title of theirs, because owing to that hateful word doctor, a very sad and tragic misunderstanding occurred there once to our dear Ahoon.

31.554

“On account of this new word of theirs, even our Ahoon, in spite of his having an incomparably more normal presence, and being clothed with a being-reason of higher quality, had while we were there a very disagreeable, even an almost idiotic misunderstanding.

31.554

“As for the rest, it will in my opinion be much better if he tells you about it himself.”

31.554

Having said this, Beelzebub addressed himself to Ahoon in the following words:

31.554

“Tell us, old man, how this then happened and what made you for several days the whole time ‘Skoohiatchiny’ and ‘Tsirikooakhtz,’ or as the three-brained beings of the planet Earth would say, made you just ‘grumble’ and be ‘irritable’ like your friend there, Dame Bess.”

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To this Ahoon, again imitating the style of Beelzebub and this time even his very intonation, began to relate as follows:

31.554

“This misunderstanding happened to me owing to the following cause:

31.554

“During this sixth visit of ours to the planet Earth, just towards the very end, we had to exist, by the way, for a little while also in the capital of those same German beings who, as His Reverence condescended to say, invented just this word, accursed for me, ‘doctor.’

31.554

“In the hotel where we had the place of our existence, next to my room, or as is said there in the ‘number’ next to mine, there existed a very sympathetic pair of beings who had only recently completed the sacrament of the Union of the Active with the Passive for the purpose of serving the Great All-Universal Trogoautoegocratic process for the prolongation of their generation, or, as they themselves would say, had ‘been married,’ and they were still considered ‘newlywed.’

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“Well, with this young couple I accidentally became acquainted in the house of some friends of mine, after which this couple often began to invite me to their room for what is called there a ‘cup-of-tea’; at other times I even myself, without their invitation, used to drop in on them in order to shorten the wearisome ‘German’ evenings.

31.555

“She was, as is said there, ‘in an interesting condition’ and, according also to their expression, was expecting her first-born.

31.555

“They, as well as I, were in that capital for an indefinite period, and on the business for the profession of the Active half of this young couple, and they were therefore existing in that hotel in which we were just staying.

31.555

“There once resounded from them a very nervous rapping on the wall of my room.

31.555

“I instantly ran to them and it turned out there, that ‘himself was not at home, for on that very day he had had to go off somewhere; and during this time she had felt faint and, almost without consciousness, had instinctively rapped on my wall.

31.555

“When I entered she already felt somewhat better, but imploringly asked me to hurry for a ‘doctor.’

31.555

“I instantly of course rushed out into the street. But once there I thought: But where am I to go now?

31.555

“Suddenly I remembered that not far from our hotel a being lived whom everybody called ‘doctor’; it was even marked on a metal plate in front of his name on the door that he was a ‘doctor’; and it was to this ‘doctor’ that I ran.

31.555

“But it turned out that he was dining, and therefore his servant asked me to wait a little in the drawing-room, having explained to me that the ‘doctor’ would have finished dinner immediately with his guests and would soon be coming out.

31.555

“I, of course, sat down in the drawing room awaiting this ‘doctor,’ but it could scarcely be said that I sat very quietly.

31.555

“I was sitting there as if, as beings say there, ‘on live coals’ because I was most anxious about the condition of my neighbor.

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“But the ‘honorable doctor,’ however, never came. Almost twenty minutes passed. I could not bear it any longer and rang the bell.

31.556

“When the servant entered I asked her to remind the ‘doctor’ about me and to say that I was in a very great hurry and could not wait any longer for him.

31.556

“She went away.

31.556

“Another five minutes passed.

31.556

“At last the ‘doctor’ himself appeared.

31.556

“Hurriedly, I shortly explained to him what I wanted from him; but to my astonishment he began to laugh irrepressibly at my request.

31.556

“I thought: Obviously during dinner with his friends this ‘doctor’ has drunk more than one glass too much of ‘German beer.’

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“And only when he had calmed down a little from his hysterical laughter could he tell me that to his great regret he was not a ‘doctor of medicine’ but only a ‘doctor of philosophy.’

31.556

“At that moment I experienced such a state, as if, as it were, I were for the second time hearing our ENDLESSNESS’S ‘sentence’ of exile passed upon His Reverence and those nearest him, and in consequence upon me.

31.556

“Well, our dear Hassein!

“I left the drawing room of that ‘doctor’ and was once more out in the street in the same position as before.

31.556

“Just then, a taxi happened to pass.

31.556

“I got into it and began to reflect: Where, now?

31.556

“I then remembered that in that cafe where I sometimes went, a being also almost always went whom everybody called ‘doctor.’

31.556

“I ordered the chauffeur to hurry to this cafe.

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“There a waiter known to me told me that this same ‘doctor’ had indeed been there, but had just left with some of his acquaintances; and that he, the waiter, had accidentally overheard from their conversation that they were going to such and such a restaurant, and gave me the name of this restaurant.

31.557

“Although this restaurant was some way away, yet nevertheless I ordered the chauffeur to go there, as I knew of no other ‘doctor.’

31.557

“At length, in half an hour, we came to this restaurant and there I very soon found this ‘doctor.’

31.557

“Once again, this time, he turned out not to be a ‘physician’ but…‘a doctor of jurisprudence.’

31.557

“I was completely, as is said there, ‘in the soup.’

31.557

“At last it entered my head that I might address myself to the headwaiter of the restaurant and explain to him in detail what I required.

31.557

“This headwaiter turned out to be a very kind being. He not only explained to me what had to be done, but even went with me to a certain physician, this time called a ‘doctor-accoucheur.’

31.557

“We found him by chance at home and he was kind enough to agree to go with me at once. But while we were on the way, my poor neighbor had already brought forth a boy, her first-born, and having somehow swaddled the baby without anyone’s help, was already sound asleep after the terrible torments she had borne in solitude.

31.557

“And so, from that day I have with my whole being hated the sound of the word ‘doctor,’ and to each of the beings of the planet Earth I would advise him to use this word only when he is very angry.

31.557

“That you may the better understand the significance of the contemporary physicians on your planet, it is also necessary to tell you of the saying of our highly esteemed Mullah Nassr Eddin concerning these same contemporary physicians.

31.557

“He speaks of them thus: ‘For our sins, God has sent us two kinds of physicians, one kind to help us die, and the other to prevent us living.’”

 

34 Russia

34.614

“To my question as to what caused all this, our Ahoon explained to me that on that day, in our street, the arrival of a very important general of that community was expected.

34.641

Hassein and Ahoon, with a shade of surprise, but also with some sadness on their faces, began to stare expectantly at him with, as it were, a stark fixed gaze.

 

39 The Holy Planet “Purgatory”

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Having uttered these last words, Beelzebub suddenly became silent and again deeply thoughtful, and Hassein and Ahoon looked at him with surprise and interrogation.

 

41 The Bokharian Dervish Hadji-Asvatz-Troov

41.917

Whereupon Beelzebub ceased his narration and, with Ahoon and Hassein, all three went to their “Kesshahs” to get ready for the descent to the planet Deskaldino.

 

42 Beelzebub in America

42.1054

So Beelzebub, Hassein, and Ahoon ceased their conversation and hastily went off to the Djamdjampal.

 

43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War

43.1055

Beelzebub, Hassein, and Ahoon had returned from the “Djamdjampal” and had resumed their usual places, Hassein, again turning to Beelzebub, said:

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“Do you know, my boy, my mentioning this exceptional feature of their character, inherent in all of them without exception, leads me to the thought of the desirableness of explaining to you at this point about their strange psyche and to give you the advice like that which that good old fellow, our Ahoon, already once gave you, when I ended my explanation about the contemporary terrestrial illustrious ‘Art.’

43.1074

“He then said, among other things, that if for some reason or other you happen to exist there on the planet Earth, and to mix with these strange three-brained beings, then you must always be very careful with those contemporary types there who are called ‘representatives of Art’ and never offend them, and thus not make ‘violent’ enemies among them.

43.1074

“At that time, our dear Ahoon, bearing in mind their numerous weaknesses, such as their self-love, pride, vanity, and still many others, indicated to you in which cases just which of these specific properties of theirs it was necessary, as he expressed it, to ‘tickle.’

43.1074

“He even then explained to you in detail about what and how it was necessary to speak to them so that they should always have good relations with you and so that they should always and everywhere praise you and only speak good about you.

43.1074

“These contemporary representatives of Art there in fact have in great abundance the specific properties enumerated by our dear Ahoon and if on each occasion you ‘tickle’ these particular properties of theirs, they will indeed ‘worship’ you and in everything always behave towards you not worse than those who were called there Asklaian-slaves.’

43.1074-5

“But though this advice of his is excellent and even indispensable for existence among them, I personally do not consider it practical for you; not practical in the first place, because since not all the beings of the Earth are like representatives of Art, this advice does not apply to all of them in general; and secondly, because it will be inconvenient for you always to have to remember all these numerous particularities and each time to stop and think on which occasion which of these numerous weaknesses of theirs must be ‘tickled.’

43.1075

“I wish to point out to you one great ‘secret’ of their psyche, namely, I wish to point out to you only one particularity of theirs which, if you know how to profit by it, might create in each one of them the same effect in their manifestations about which Ahoon spoke.

 

45 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Extraction of Electricity from Nature and Its Destruction During Its Use, Is One of the Chief Causes of the Shortening of the Life of Man

45.1149

“This request of the honorable Toof-Nef-Tef was translated to me through our Ahoon by means of what is there called a ‘Kelli-E-Ofoo.’1

45.1149

“The text of this Kelli-E-Ofoo was as follows:

45.1149

“‘I have heard that you, your Right Reverence, have become worthy of receiving from our COMMON FATHER CREATOR full pardon for the transgressions of your youth, and that you are now leaving my native land forever. And therefore, I, an old being, very much wish to see you and to bless you personally for the last time, and at the same time to thank, through your person, all the beings of your tribe for their constant good relations with the beings of my native land during so many years.’

45.1149

“At the end of this Kelli-E-Ofoo was the postscript:

45.1149

“‘I personally would present myself at your house, but as you know, the size of my planetary body does not permit me in any way to do so, and hence I am compelled to beg you not to refuse to come to my “Fal-Fe-Foof.”’2

45.1149

“I must say that the three-brained beings of the planet Mars knew our genuine nature from the very beginning, and also the true reason why we were compelled to dwell on their planet.

45.1152

“As by the time-calculations of the planet Mars there yet remained to this Hre-Hree-Hra almost half a ‘Foos,’ or by the time-calculation of your favorites, about one and a half months, we decided to organize our ordinary being-existence there during this waiting in a more or less suitable manner.

45.1152

“One part of our beings remained on the ship Occasion itself, another found accommodation in the places offered us by the amiable beings of the planet Saturn, and I with Ahoon went to Rirkh, that is, to just that large populated center of beings there where my friend Gornahoor Harharkh existed.

45.1160

1 Kelli-E-Ofoo on the planet Mars is the same thing which on the Earth is called a “note.”

45.1160

2 Fal-Fe-Foof in Martian speech signifies a dwelling.

 

46 Beelzebub Explains to His Grandson the Significance of the Form and Sequence Which He Chose for Expounding the Information Concerning Man

46.1163

When they were already seated and when Ahoon had also arrived, Beelzebub began to speak as follows:

 

47 The Inevitable Result of Impartial Mentation

47.1178

After the termination of the Most Great Universal Solemnity just described, Beelzebub with His grandson and His old servant Ahoon, deeply moved like all of the other passengers of the space-ship Karnak by this unexpected event, returned to that part of the ship where all their talks proceeded concerning the men-beings arising and existing on the Earth.

47.1178-9

When Beelzebub, now with a transfigured appearance corresponding to His merits and visible to all, had occupied His usual place, Ahoon, His old servant who had been close to Him during almost the whole of His existence, unexpectedly fell prostrate before Him and in a sincerely entreating voice began to speak:

47.1179

“Sacred Podkoolad of our Great Megalocosmos! Have mercy upon me and pardon me, an unfortunate ordinary three-centered being, for my past disrespectful manifestations, voluntary and involuntary, towards Your Sacred Essence.

47.1179

“Have mercy and pardon me: just this three-centered being, who, though he has existed a very long time, yet to his misfortune—only because in his preparatory age nobody aided the crystallization in him of the data for the ability of intensively actualizing being-Partkdolg-duty—had until now been so shortsighted that he had been unable to sense the reality present beneath an exterior with which, according to the common-cosmic Trogoautoegocrat, all those existing and newly arising units of the Megalocosmos are coated, who ought to have in their presence that sacred ‘something’ which is called Reason.”

47.1179

Having said this, Ahoon stood as if sunk in a stupor of silent expectancy.

47.1179

And Beelzebub, also in silence, gazed at him with a look which, though perceived externally from without was full of love and forgiveness, yet there could be felt in it also His Essence-grief and inevitable resignation.

47.1179

And when a little bit later Beelzebub cast His eyes around and noticed His grandson in the said posture, He turned to him and said:

47.1179

“What, my boy! Can it be that the same proceeds in your presence as in our old Ahoon’s?”

47.1179

To this question of Beelzebub’s, Hassein, also in an uncertain tone unusual for him, timidly replied:

47.1180

“Almost… yes… Sacred Podkoolad of our Great Megalocosmos. Only with this difference, that at this moment the impulse of love both for our Ahoon and for the three-brained beings of the planet Earth now functions still more strongly in me.

47.1180

“This impulse of love has become stronger in me, evidently because, as it seems to me, both Ahoon and the three-brained beings of the planet Earth have greatly aided me in becoming worthy to be a recent eyewitness of the Great Solemnity of Him who is the cause of the cause of my arising and Whom hitherto I have called my dear grandfather and Who has already visibly become one of the sacred Podkoolads of our Great Megalocosmos, before Whom all will bow and before Whom I have at this moment the happiness to stand.”

47.1180

“First of all I wish to remark and in the speech of Mullah Nassr Eddin, whom I particularly honor, to voice the thought which arises by association concerning Ahoon’s words which were not peculiar to him and his assumed posture quite unusual for him.

47.1180

“Our dear teacher in such a case would say, ‘Don’t shed tears in vain like that crocodile which snapped at the fisherman and missed biting off his lower left half.’

47.1180-1

Hassein and Ahoon immediately and silently proceeded to follow the suggestion of Beelzebub, though by their movements and the translucency of their inner psyche, it was evident that there had been a marked change in their attitude toward the person of Beelzebub since the above-described Common Universal Event.

47.1182

And Ahoon also rose.