Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

2 Introduction: Why Beelzebub Was in Our Solar System

2.51

Through the Universe flew the ship Karnak of the “transspace” communication.

2.51

It was flying from the spaces “Assooparatsata,” that is, from the spaces of the “Milky Way,” from the planet Karatas to the solar system “Pandetznokh,” the sun of which is also called the “Pole Star.”

2.51

On the said “transspace” ship was Beelzebub with his kinsmen and near attendants.

2.51

He was on his way to the planet Revozvradendr to a special conference in which he had consented to take part, at the request of his friends of long standing.

Only the remembrance of these old friendships had constrained him to accept this invitation, since he was no longer young, and so lengthy a journey, and the vicissitudes inseparable from it, were by no means an easy task for one of his years.

2.54

And that is why Beelzebub, after a long absence, happened now to be again in the center of the Universe.

2.54

His influence and authority had not only not declined during his exile, but, on the contrary, they had greatly increased, since all those around him were clearly aware that, thanks to his prolonged existence in the aforementioned unusual conditions, his knowledge and experience must inevitably have been broadened and deepened.

2.54

And so, when events of great importance occurred on one of the planets of the solar system “Pandetznokh,” Beelzebub’s old friends had decided to intrude upon him and to invite him to the conference concerning these events.

2.54

And it was as the outcome of this that Beelzebub was now making the long journey on the ship Karnak from the planet Karatas to the planet Revozvradendr.

2.54

On this big space-ship Karnak, the passengers included the kinsmen and attendants of Beelzebub and also many beings who served on the ship itself.

2.55

At the time of this narrative, Beelzebub with Hassein and his devoted old servant Ahoon, who always accompanied him everywhere, were seated on the highest “Kasnik,” that is, on the upper deck of the ship Karnak under the “Kalnokranonis,” somewhat resembling what we should call a large “glass bell,” and were talking there among themselves while observing the boundless space.

3 The Cause of the Delay in the Falling of the Ship Karnak

3.59

“It seems to me that my dear grandfather has no need to hurry; everything necessary for his rest and comfort is present on the Karnak and here also are many who love him and whom he loves.

3.64-5

“This last post of mine, namely, that of captain of the ship Karnak, I took, strictly speaking, in succession to my father, when after his long years of blameless service to HIS ENDLESSNESS in the performance of the duties of captain from almost the very beginning of the World-creation, he had become worthy to be promoted to the post of Ruler of the solar system ‘Kalman.’

14 The Beginnings of Perspectives Promising Nothing Very Cheerful

14.108

“I see that the three-brained beings arising and existing on the peculiar planet called Earth interest you very much, and as during our voyage on the ship Karnak we shall have willy-nilly to talk about many things just to pass away the time, I will tell you all I can just about these three-brained beings.

18 The Arch-preposterous

18.151-2

“Before beginning his explanations I think it not inadvisable to warn you once and for all that all my conversations with various three-centered beings arising and existing on various planets of that system where I was obliged to exist for the ‘Sins of my youth’—as for instance in the present case, the conversations with this Gornahoor Harharkh which I am now about to relate to you while we travel on the space-ship Karnak—all proceeded in dialects still quite unknown to you, and sometimes even, by the way, in such dialects the consonances of which were quite ‘indigestible’ for perception by normal being-functions assigned for this purpose.

18.176

“And meanwhile, during our traveling here on the space-ship Karnak, I shall, as I have already promised you, tell you in their order about my descents there to your planet and also about the causes of what is called my ‘appearances-there-in-person.’”

30 Art

30.523

At this place in Beelzebub’s tale the hoofs of all the passengers of the transspace ship Karnak suddenly, as it were, radiated from themselves “something phosphorescent.”

30.523

This meant that the ship Karnak was nearing the place of her destination, that is the planet Revozvradendr. Hence, a bustling movement began among the passengers preparing to descend from the ship.

30.523

Beelzebub, Hassein, and Ahoon ended their conversation and hurriedly began to prepare themselves also.

30.523

The phosphorescent gleaming of the hoofs was obtained because, concentrated in a particular proportion, there were directed from the engine room to that part of the ship the holy parts of the sacred Omnipresent Okidanokh.

31 The Sixth and Last Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth

31.524

When after two “Ornakres”¹ the cosmic intersystem ship Karnak had left the spheres of the atmosphere of the planet Revozvradendr and began to fall back in the direction of the solar system ‘Pandetznokh’ onto the planet Karatas, Hassein, having sat down in his usual place, addressed Beelzebub with the following words:

31.524

“My dear and beloved Grandfather… be kind as always and tell me something more about the three-centered beings breeding on that planet which is called Earth.”

31.557

¹ An “Ornakre” is approximately equal to that period of the flow of time which on Earth we would define as a “month.”

35 A Change in the Appointed Course of the Falling of the Transspace Ship Karnak

35.657

At this point of Beelzebub’s conversation with his kinsmen, he was told that the captain of the ship sought permission to speak with him personally.

35.657

Soon after Beelzebub had given his consent, the captain entered and with a respectful salute addressed Beelzebub and said:

35.657

“Your Reverence, at the beginning of our journey you condescended to let fall a word which hinted that on the return journey you would perhaps decide to stop on the way at the holy planet Purgatory to see the family of your son Tooilan. If this is indeed your intention, then it will be better if you give me the order to do so now, because we shall soon be passing through the solar system Khalmian, and if having passed this system we do not direct the falling of our ship immediately more to the left, we shall greatly lengthen the path of its falling.”

35.657

“Yes, please, my dear Captain,” Beelzebub replied. “There is nothing against stopping on the way at this holy planet. No one knows whether there will be another such happy occasion for me to go there and visit the family of my dear son Tooilan.”

35.657

When the captain saluted and was on the point of going out, Beelzebub suddenly, as if remembering, stopped him and addressed him in the following words:

35.657

“Wait, my dear Captain, I want to ask you to accede to yet another of my requests.” And when the captain, drawing nearer, had sat down in his appointed place, Beelzebub continued thus:

35.657-8

“My request to you is that you consent after the visit to the holy planet Purgatory, to give our ship Karnak such a course of falling that on the way we may reach the surface of the planet Deskaldino.

35.658

“The point is that, in the present period of the flow of time on that planet, the Great Saroonoorishan, my first educator, so to say the fundamental cause of all the spiritualized parts of my genuine common presence, has the place of his permanent existence.

35.658

“I should like, as at that first time, before going to the sphere on which I arose, to profit by this occasion and fall once more at the feet of the prime creator of my genuine being, the more so, since just now, returning from my perhaps last conference, the entire satisfactoriness of the present functioning of all the separate spiritualized parts of my common presence was revealed not only to me myself, but also to most of the individuals I met, and in consequence, the being-impulse of gratitude towards that Great Saroonoorishan arose in me and is still inextinguishably maintained.

35.658

“I very well know, my dear Captain, that I am giving you no easy task, because I have already been a witness of the difficulties in carrying out this same request of mine, when, returning for the first time after my gracious pardon to the place of my arising on the planet Karatas, I desired before descending onto it, to visit the surface of the planet Deskaldino. On that occasion, when the captain of the intersystem ship Omnipresent had agreed to this and directed the falling of the Omnipresent in the direction of the atmosphere of that planet and was indeed able to carry out my request, I was able, before my return to my native land, to reach the surface of the planet Deskaldino and I had the happiness of greeting the Great Saroonoorishan, the creator of my genuine being-existence, and to receive from him his ‘creator-benediction,’ most dear and most precious to me.”

35.659

To this request of Beelzebub’s, the captain of the ship Karnak answered:

35.659

“Very good, your Reverence, I will think out how it may be possible to carry out your desire. I do not know just what obstacles there were then for the captain of the ship Omnipresent, but in the present case, on the direct route between the holy planet Purgatory and the planet Deskaldino, there lies the solar system called Salzmanino, in which there are many of those cosmic concentrations which, for purposes of the general cosmic Trogoautoegocratic process, are predetermined for the transformation and radiation of the substances Zilnotrago; and therefore the direct falling of our ship Karnak, unhindered, through this system, will scarcely be possible. In any case, I will try in one way or another to satisfy the desire expressed by your Reverence.”

38 Religion

38.742

At this point in Beelzebub’s tales, he and all the passengers of the inter-solar-system ship Karnak suddenly sensed in their organ of taste a special sour-bitterish taste.

38.742-3

This signified that their ship was approaching that place of their destination, in the given case the holy planet Purgatory.

They sensed the sour-bitterish taste because a special magnetic current was released from the steering compartment of the ship to inform all the passengers of the approach to the place of destination.

39 The Holy Planet “Purgatory”

39.744

After several Dionosks the cosmic ship Karnak left the holy planet, and again began to fall further in the direction of the place of its final destination, and, namely, in the direction of that planet on which Beelzebub had had the place of his arising and whither he was returning to finish his long existence; to finish that long existence of his, which, on account of certain definite circumstances, he had to fulfill on various cosmic concentrations of our Great Universe and always under conditions very unfavorable for him personally, yet which he nevertheless objectively fulfilled quite meritoriously.

39.744

And so, when the usual tempo of the falling of the ship Karnak had been re-established, Hassein, the grandson of Beelzebub, again sat down at his feet and turning to him, said:

39.744

“Grandfather, oh, dear grandfather! Explain to me, please, why, as my uncle Tooilan told me, does our COMMON ALL-EMBRACING UNI-BEING AUTOCRAT ENDLESSNESS appear so often on this holy planet on which we have just been?”

41 The Bokharian Dervish Hadji-Asvatz-Troov

41.917

At this place of Beelzebub’s tale, all the passengers of the transsystem ship Karnak experienced something like a sweet-sour taste in the region of the inner part of their mouths.

41.917

This signified that the ship Karnak was now approaching some planet, namely, a place of unforeseen stopping.

41.917

And this planet was the planet Deskaldino.

42 Beelzebub in America

42.918

Two “Dionosks” later, when the intersystem ship Karnak had resumed its falling, and the confirmed followers of our respected Mullah Nassr Eddin had again sat down in their usual seats, Hassein once more turned to Beelzebub with the following words:

42.918

“My dear Grandfather! May I remind you, as you bade me, about… the three-brained beings… of the planet Earth… about those… how are they called?… about the beings who breed and exist just on the diametrically opposite side of the place where contemporary terrestrial civilization is flourishing… About those three-brained beings there, who, as you were saying, are very great devotees of the ‘fox trot.’”

42.1054

At this point of Beelzebub’s tales, what is called a “crosscurrent” or “agitation” began in the ether which penetrated the whole of the ship Karnak. This signified that the passengers of the ship Karnak were summoned to the “Djamdjampal,” that is, that “refectory” of the ship in which all the passengers together periodically fed on the second and first being-foods.

44 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Understanding of Justice Is for Him in the Objective Sense an Accursed Mirage

44.1144

At this point of Beelzebub’s tales, there entered that part of the cosmic ship Karnak where the conversations took place one of the servants of the ship, who gave Beelzebub a newly received ‘Leitoochanbros’ addressed to him; and on leaving he turned to everybody and joyfully exclaimed that the reflections of the sphere of the planet Karatas could already be seen.

45 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Extraction of Electricity from Nature and Its Destruction During Its Use, Is One of the Chief Causes of the Shortening of the Life of Man

45.1160

At this point of Beelzebub’s tales, there were diffused all along the intersystem ship Karnak artificially produced vibrations which had the property of penetrating into the common presences of all the passengers of the ship and which acted on what are called the “wandering nerves” of the stomach.

45.1160

This artificially produced manifestation was an announcement to the passengers about their assembling in the common what is called “Djameechoonatra,” a kind of terrestrial “monasterial refectory” in which the second being-food is collectively taken.

46 Beelzebub Explains to His Grandson the Significance of the Form and Sequence Which He Chose for Expounding the Information Concerning Man

46.1161

After the process of taking in the second being-food, Beelzebub did not immediately return from the “Djameechoonatra” where they usually spent their time in conversation, but first went to his “Kesshah.”

Kesshah is the name given to those compartments on space-ships which on terrestrial steamers are called “cabins.”

Beelzebub first entered his Kesshah in order to cool his already extremely decrepit tail a little in a certain liquid, to which he was compelled to have recourse from time to time on account of his old age.

46.1161

When on returning from his Kesshah he silently entered that section of the ship Karnak where they usually spent their time, he unexpectedly saw the following picture, unusual for him:

46.1161

His beloved grandson Hassein was standing with his face to the corner, his hands covering his eyes, weeping. Beelzebub, deeply moved, quickly approached Hassein and in a voice full of anxiety, asked him:

46.1161

“What is the matter, my dear boy? Are you really weeping?”

46.1161

Hassein wished to answer, but it could be seen that the sobbing of his planetary body prevented him from speaking.

46.1164

“Well, then, now we can return to my intended theme, that is, why during the whole of our journey on this space-ship I have told you so much and in such a sequence about the three-brained beings breeding on the planet Earth.

46.1164-5

“The point is, that when I returned to our dear Karatas, I, being free from any other being-duties whatsoever, voluntarily took upon myself the responsible guidance of your finishing Oskiano for the Being of a responsible being, or, as your favorites would say, ‘your education.’ And, in view of the fact that the present period of your existence is for you just that period when in general, in three-brained beings, all those functions present in them are harmonized, which in totality during the period of responsible existence just actualize in them that form of mentation which is called ‘sane-mentation’; I, in consequence of this, when we set out on this journey in the space-ship Karnak, thought of profiting by this time to help you so that the harmonizing of the functions of yours and the formation of your future active mentation which depends on them should proceed precisely in that order, of the correctness of which I became convinced with the whole of my presence during the process of my long personal existence.

47 The Inevitable Result of Impartial Mentation

47.1173

Beelzebub intended to say more, but just then everything was suddenly lit up with a “pale blue something.” From that moment the falling of the ship Karnak began to diminish perceptibly in speed.

47.1173

All this meant that one of the great Cosmic Egolionopties was about to come alongside the space-ship Karnak.

47.1173

And indeed through the transparent outer parts of the ship Karnak the source of that “pale blue something” soon became visible, which lit up not only the whole of the interior of the ship Karnak but also all the space of the Universe surrounding this great cosmic Egolionopty as far as the ordinary vision of beings could reach.

47.1173

Of these great Egolionopties there are only four in the Universe and each of them is under the jurisdiction of one of the four All-Quarters-Maintainers of the Universe.

47.1173

A hurried and anxious commotion began among all of the beings aboard, and in a short time all the passengers and the crew assembled in the main hall situated in the center of the ship.

47.1173

When the great cosmic Egolionopty had come alongside the ship Karnak, certain parts of the latter were moved apart in a special way and there passed from the Egolionopty into the main hall of the ship a procession composed of several archangels and a multitude of angels, cherubim, and seraphim, and they all too bore branches in their hands, but of palm.

47.1173-4

At the head of this procession walked a venerable archangel and immediately after him two cherubim followed solemnly, bearing a casket from which something also radiated, but this time something orange.

47.1174

In front of everyone in the main hall of the ship Karnak stood Beelzebub and behind him were ranged his kinsmen and the captain of the ship, and all the others stood behind them at a respectful distance.

47.1174

When the said procession from the Egolionopty neared the beings of Beelzebub’s nature who were assembled in expectation, they halted and all of both forces, differently natured three-brained beings, joined together in singing the “Hymn to our ENDLESSNESS,” which Hymn is always sung on such occasions everywhere in the Universe, by beings of all natures and all forms of exterior coating.

47.1178

After this proclamation of the archangel all the beings without exception present on the space-ship Karnak then began to sing the prescribed sacred canticle entitled “I Rejoice.”

47.1178

And when this last sacred canticle also had been sung, all the angels and cherubim, with the venerable archangel at their head, returned to the cosmic Egolionopty which then left the ship Karnak and disappeared gradually into space, whereupon the passengers and crew began to disperse to their places and the Karnak resumed its falling toward its destination.

47.1178

After the termination of the Most Great Universal Solemnity just described, Beelzebub with His grandson and His old servant Ahoon, deeply moved like all of the other passengers of the space-ship Karnak by this unexpected event, returned to that part of the ship where all their talks proceeded concerning the men-beings arising and existing on the Earth.

47.1181

When they had taken their places they sat down, this time not with the unconstraint they had formerly shown.

Then Beelzebub, turning to Hassein, said, “First of all, my boy, I give you my word that when we return home—unless any event from external causes independent of our Essence will prevent this—I shall explain to you everything relating to the three-brained beings who have taken your fancy, concerning that which during this journey of ours on the ship Karnak I promised to explain, but which I have for some reason or other left unexplained.