Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

17 The Arch-absurd According to the Assertion of Beelzebub, Our Sun Neither Lights nor Heats

17.134

In order, my dear Hassein, that you should meanwhile have an approximate representation also of just how far that function called ‘the instinctive sensing of reality,’ which is proper to every three-brained being of the whole of our Great Universe, is already entirely lacking in the presences of the three-centered beings breeding on the planet Earth, and especially in those of the most recent periods, it will be enough, to begin with, I think, if I explain to you only about how they understand and explain to themselves the causes why there periodically proceed on their planet those cosmic phenomena which they call ‘daylight,’ ‘darkness,’ ‘heat,’ ‘cold,’ and so on.

17.134

“All, without exception, of the three-brained beings of that planet who have attained the age of a responsible being, and even those many and various ‘wiseacrings’ existing there which they call ‘sciences,’ are categorically certain that all the said phenomena arrive on their planet completely, so to say, ready-made, ‘d-i-r-e-c-t-l-y’ from their own Sun… and as Mullah Nassr Eddin would say in such cases, ‘no more hokeypokey about it.’

17.134

“What is most peculiar, in this case, is that, except for certain beings who existed before the second Transapalnian perturbation there, absolutely no doubt whatever concerning this certainty of theirs, has ever, as yet, crept into a single one of them.

17.134-5

“Not only has not a single one of them—having a Reason which, though strange, has nevertheless some resemblance to sane logic—ever yet doubted the causes of the said phenomena, but not a single one of them has manifested concerning these cosmic phenomena even that strange special property of their common psyche, which also became proper to the three-brained beings of that planet alone, and which is called ‘to fantasy.’”

21 The First Visit of Beelzebub to India

21.228-9

“I and Ahoon then passed through indeed very unusual places, unusual even for the general nature of this peculiar planet, certain parts of which, by the way, only became so because before that period this ill-fated planet had already undergone two what are called Transapalnian-perturbations, almost unprecedented in the Universe.

“From the first day we had to pass exclusively through a region of various ‘terra-firma-projections’ of unusual forms, which had conglomerations of all kinds of ‘intraplanetary-minerals.’

21.230

“The history of the arising of this third group of Asiatic beings begins only a little later than that period when the families of hunters for Pirmarals first came to the shores of the Sea of Beneficence from the continent Atlantis and, having settled there, founded the second group of Asiatic beings.

“It was just in those, for your contemporary favorites, infinitely remote days, that is, not long before the second Transapalnian perturbation occurred to this ill-fated planet, that there had already begun to be crystallized in the presences of the three-centered beings then of the continent Atlantis certain consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer, on account of which the need—among other needs unbecoming to three-brained beings—began to arise in them to wear, as I have already told you, various trinkets as it were for their adornment, and also a kind of famous what is called ‘Talisman’ which they had invented.

22 Beelzebub for the First Time in Tibet

22.263

“Although planetary tremors or earthquakes frequently occur to that planet of yours from other interplanetary disharmonies also that have arisen in consequence of the two already mentioned great Transapalnian perturbations, the causes of which I shall sometime explain to you, nevertheless most of the planetary tremors there, and especially during recent centuries, have occurred solely on account of those excessive elevations.

“And they occur because, in consequence of those excessive elevations, the atmosphere also of that planet has acquired and continues to acquire in its presence equally excessive elevations, that is to say, what is called the ‘Blastegoklornian-circumference’ of the atmosphere of the planet Earth has acquired in certain places and continues to acquire an excessively projecting materialized presence for what is called the ‘reciprocal-blending-of-the-results-of-all-the-planets-of-the-given-system’; with the result that during the motion of that planet, and in the presence of what is called ‘common-system-harmony,’ its atmosphere at certain times ‘hooks on,’ as it were, to the atmosphere of other planets or comets of the same system.

“And owing to these ‘hookings on’ there occur in the corresponding places of the common presence of that planet of yours just those said planetary tremors or quakes.

23 The Fourth Personal Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth

23.274

“As this question of the genealogy of these apes there is indeed exceedingly abstruse and unusual, I shall inform your Reason about this also as far as possible from every aspect.

23.274

“In fact, neither have they descended from apes nor have apes descended from them, but… the cause of the origin of these apes is in this case, just as in every other misunderstanding there, also—their women.

23.274

“I must tell you first of all that the species of terrestrial ape-beings now arising there under several different exterior forms, never existed at all before the second ‘Transapalnian perturbation’; only afterwards did the genealogy of their species begin.

23.274

“The causes of the arising of this ‘misconceived’ being as well as the cause of all the other events more or less serious in an objective sense, which occur on the surface of that ill-fated planet, ensue from two sources, totally independent of each other.

23.274-5

“The first of them, as always, was the same lack of foresight on the part of certain Most High, Most Very Saintly Cosmic Individuals, and the second was, in the given case, also the same abnormal conditions of ordinary being-existence established by them themselves.

23.275

“The point is that when the second Transapalnian perturbation occurred to that ill-fated planet, then, besides its chief continent Atlantis, many other large and small terra firmas entered within the planet and, in their place, new terra firmas appeared on the surface of the planet.

“These displacements of the parts of the common presence of that ill-fated planet then continued for several days, with repeated planetary tremors and with such manifestations as could not fail to evoke terror in the consciousness and feelings of beings of every kind.

23.275

“During that same period many of your three-brained favorites who chanced to survive, together with various one-brained and two-brained beings of other forms, unexpectedly struck upon other newly-formed terra firmas in entirely new places unfamiliar to them.

“It was just at this period that many of these strange Keschapmartnian three-brained beings of active and passive sex, or, as they say, ‘men’ and ‘women,’ were compelled to exist for some years there apart, that is to say, without the opposite sex.

23.275

“Before relating how this then further occurred, I must explain to you a little more in detail concerning that sacred substance which is the final result of the evolving transformations of every kind of being-food formed in the presence of every being without distinction of brain system.

“This sacred substance which arises in the presences of beings of every kind is almost everywhere called ‘Exioëhary’; but your favorites on the planet Earth call it ‘sperm.’

23.275-6

“Thanks to the all-gracious foresight and command of our COMMON FATHER AND CREATOR and according to the actualization of Great Nature, this sacred substance arises in the presences of all beings without distinction of brain system and exterior coating, chiefly in order that by its means they might, consciously or automatically, fulfill that part of their being-duty which consists in the continuation of their species; but in the presences of three-brained beings it arises also in order that it might be consciously transformed in their common presences for coating their highest being-bodies for their own Being.

23.276

“Before the second Transapalnian perturbation there, which period of their planet the contemporary three-brained beings define by the words, ‘Before the loss of the continent Atlantis,’ when various consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer had already begun to be crystallized in their presences, a being impulse began to be formed in them which later became predominant.

23.276

“This impulse is now called ‘pleasure’; and in order to satisfy it they had already begun to exist in a way unbecoming to three-centered beings, namely, most of them gradually began to remove this same sacred being-substance from themselves only for the satisfaction of the said impulse.

23.276-7

“Well, then, my boy. Owing to the fact that most of the three-brained beings of the planet Earth thereafter carried out the process of the removal from themselves of this sacred substance—which is constantly formed in them—not at certain periods normally established by Great Nature for beings in accordance with their organization, simply for the purpose of the continuation of their species, and also owing to the fact that most of them ceased to utilize this sacred substance consciously for coating their higher being-bodies, the result was obtained that when they do not remove it from themselves by ways which had then already become mechanical, they naturally must experience a sensation called ‘Sirkliniamen,’ or as your favorites there would say, the state defined by the words ‘out of sorts,’ which state is invariably accompanied by what is called ‘mechanical suffering.’

23.278-9

“And owing to the same all-gracious foresight and command of our FATHER of Everything Existing in the Great Universe, and according to the actualizations of Great Mother Nature, then in certain surrounding conditions and with the participation of the third separately localized holy force of the sacred Triamazikamno, namely, the holy force called ‘Reconciling,’ the blending of these two Exioëharies arising in two distinct independent different beings just gives, owing to the process called ‘the process of the sacred Elmooarno’ which proceeds between those beings of opposite sex, the beginning for the arising of a new being.

23.279

“And the possibility in the given case of such an abnormal blending of two different kinds of Exioëhary then occurred owing only to a certain cosmic law called the ‘affinity of the number of the totality of vibrations,’ which proceeded owing to the second Transapalnian perturbation to this ill-fated planet and which then still continued to act for its own common presence.

23.293

“It seems that the said Korkaptilnian thought tapes concerning the history of the arising of the learned society Akhaldan were, as I found out much later, deliberately fixed by a certain ‘Eternal Individual,’ Asoochilon, now a saint, who became coated in the common presence of a three-brained being named Tetetos who arose on your planet on the continent of Atlantis and who had existed there four centuries before the second great ‘Transapalnian perturbation.’

23.294

“And so, my boy, I myself learned about the details of the arising there of the society Akhaldan partly from the text of the just-mentioned Teleoghinoora and partly from many data which I learned much later, namely, when, having become interested also in this highly important factor there, I made my usual detailed investigations.

“According to the text of the mentioned Teleoghinoora and to data which I subsequently learned, it became clear and definitely known to me that this learned society Akhaldan which arose then on the continent Atlantis and which was composed of three-brained beings of the Earth, was formed 735 years before the second ‘Transapalnian perturbation’ there.

23.300

“And here it is impossible not to express regret and to repeat that to the most great misfortune of all terrestrial three-brained beings of all later epochs, it was just then—when after incredible being-labors by members of that great society the required tempo of work had already been established with regard to discernment, conscious on their part, and also with regard to their unconscious preparation for the welfare of their descendants—that, in the heat of it all, certain of them constated, as I have already told you, that something serious was to occur to their planet in the near future.

23.300

“For the purpose of discerning the character of the anticipated serious event, they dispersed over the whole planet and shortly afterwards, as I have already told you, the aforesaid second ‘Transapalnian perturbation’ occurred to that ill-fated planet of yours.

23.302

“I told you once that just before the second ‘Transapalnian perturbation’ our Party-Pythoness, while prophesying, insisted that all the beings of our tribe should, without delay, migrate for the continuation of their existence on that planet, to a definite part of the surface of that same continent now called Africa.

“This definite part of the surface of the continent which the Pythoness indicated, lay just at the source of the said large river Nipilhooatchi where the beings of our tribe existed all the time the said second Transapalnian perturbation lasted, as well as later when everything had gradually resumed its relatively normal state and when most of the surviving beings had then almost forgotten what had happened and had again formed—just as if nothing had occurred to them—one of their famous ‘centers of culture’ in the very center of that future Africa. And it was just when the former members of the society Akhaldan were searching for a suitable place for their permanent existence, that they chanced to meet a number of the beings of our tribe who advised them to migrate to the country further down the said river.

24 Beelzebub’s Flight to the Planet Earth for the Fifth Time

24.342

“Concerning this, which being-manifestations are there on your planet considered good and which bad—two independent understandings, having nothing in common with each other, have existed from the most ancient times up to the present period, having passed from generation to generation.

24.342

“The first of these understandings exists there and passes from one generation to another among such three-brained beings there as were those members of the society Akhaldan on the continent Atlantis, and such as those who, although of another kind, several centuries later after the Transapalnian perturbation acquired almost the same in the foundations of their common presences and who were called ‘initiates.’

24.342

“The first of these understandings exists there under the following formulation:

24.342

“Every action of man is good in the objective sense, if it is done according to his conscience, and every action is bad, if from it he later experiences ‘remorse.’

24.342

“And the second understanding arose there soon after the wise ‘invention’ of the Great King Konuzion, which invention, passing from generation to generation through ordinary beings there, gradually spread over almost the whole planet under the name of ‘morality.’

27 The Organization for Man’s Existence Created by the Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash

27.375

“The total result, however, of everything I have mentioned, was that within ten terrestrial years there had disappeared of their own accord those two chief forms of ordinary being-existence abnormally established there, from which there chiefly flow and still continue to flow, most of the maleficent causes the totality of which engenders all kinds of trifling factors which prevent the establishment of conditions there for at least a normal outer being-existence for these unfortunate favorites of yours.

27.375

“And namely, firstly their division into numerous communities with various forms of organization for external and even internal existence, or as they themselves express it, ‘state-organizations,’ ceased to exist, and secondly in these said numerous communities there also disappeared equally, of their own accord, those various what are called ‘castes’ or ‘classes’ which had long before been established there.

27.375

“And in my opinion, as you also will surely understand eventually, it was precisely this second of the two mentioned chief abnormally established forms of ordinary being-existence, namely, the assigning of each other to different classes or castes that had specially become there the basis for the gradual crystallization in the common presences of these unfortunate favorites of yours, of that particular psychic property which, in the whole of the Universe, is inherent exclusively only in the presences of those three-brained beings.

27.375-6

“This exclusively particular property was formed in them soon after the second Transapalnian perturbation there, and, gradually undergoing development and becoming strengthened in them, was passed from generation to generation by heredity, until it has now already passed to the contemporary beings as a certain lawful and inseparable part of their general psyche, and this particular property of their psyche is called by themselves ‘egoism.’

27.376

“Some time later, in its appropriate place, during my further tales concerning the three-brained beings existing on the planet Earth, I shall also explain to you in detail how thanks to those conditions of external being-existence which were established there, your favorites first began assigning each other to various castes, and how, thanks to subsequent similar abnormalities, this same maleficent form of mutual relationship then established there has continued even until now. But meanwhile, concerning this exceptionally particular property of their general psyche, namely, egoism, it is necessary for you to know that the cause of the possibility of the arising in their common presences of this particular property was that, owing always to the same abnormal conditions established from the very beginning after the said second Transapalnian-perturbation there, their general psyche had become dual.

30 Art

30.468-9

“You must know that at the very beginning of the arising and existence of the three-brained beings of the planet Earth, before the period when the organ Kundabuffer was introjected into them and later when this organ was totally removed from their presences and even after the second Transapalnian catastrophe there, almost up to the time of our third flight in person to the surface of that planet, the said organ was actualized in them with what is called a ‘sensibility-of-perception’ similar to that which is actualized in the common presences of all ordinary three-brained beings of the whole of our Great Universe.

30.495-6

“After the Babylonian period, this expression also automatically passed from generation to generation with almost the same meaning, but nearly two centuries ago, when the beings of that time began wiseacring with the mentioned data, particularly in connection with that ‘empty’ word art, and when various what are called ‘schools-of-art’ arose and everybody considered himself a follower of one or another of those schools, well just then, never having understood its genuine sense and chiefly because among the number of the said schools of art there was also a school of a certain, as the contemporary beings already called him, ‘Orpheus,’ a figure invented by the ancient Greeks, they then decided to invent a new word defining their ‘vocation’ more exactly.

30.496

“So instead of the said expression Orpheist they just invented the word artist, which had to mean ‘he-who-is-occupied-with-art.’

30.496

“In order better to represent to yourself all the causes subsequently arising also from that misunderstanding there, you must first of all know that before the second terrestrial Transapalnian catastrophe, when these favorites of yours still arose and prepared themselves normally for responsible existence, they, by means of intentionally producing from themselves corresponding consonants for their what is called ‘speech,’ that is for mutual intercourse, had and could pronounce—also like all the three-brained beings of all the Great Universe—consonants up to three hundred and fifty-one definite what are called ‘letters.’

30.496

“But later on, when thanks as always to the same conditions of ordinary being-existence abnormally established by themselves, every kind of property proper to the presences of three-brained beings gradually deteriorated, this ‘being-ableness’ also deteriorated in them and at such a tempo that whereas the beings of the Babylonian period could use for conversation among themselves only seventy-seven definite consonants, the deterioration continued at such a tempo after the Babylonian period, that five centuries later, the beings there could use at most only thirty-six definite ‘letters,’ and the beings of certain communities could not reproduce even this number of separate articulate sounds.

34 Russia

34.623

“The tension in all the planets acts also on the common presences of all beings arising and breeding on them, always engendering in the beings, besides desires and intentions of which they are not aware, the feeling called ‘sacred Iabolioonosar,’ or as your favorites would say, the feeling of religiousness, namely, that ‘being-feeling’ which at times appears in the desire and striving for, as I have already said, speedier self-perfecting in the sense of Objective-Reason.

34.623

“It is interesting that when this sacred feeling, or another similar to it, which was also engendered by a certain common cosmic actualization, proceeds in the common presences of your favorites, then they accept it as a symptom of certain of their numerous diseases, and in the given case, for example, they call this feeling ‘nerves.’

34.623

“It is necessary to remark that such an impulse inherent in the presence of all three-brained beings of our Great Universe formerly arose and became actualized almost normally in the majority of terrestrial beings of that time, namely, from the time of the removal of the organ Kundabuffer from the common presences of the three-brained beings of the planet Earth right up to the second Transapalnian-perturbation.

34.623-4

“But later, among the number of chief evils which flow from the conditions of ordinary being-existence established by them themselves, specially when in the presences of every terrestrial three-brained being, there began to become predominant the ‘evil-inner-God’ of theirs I mentioned, named there self-calming, then it occurred that in them under the influence of the action of Solioonensius, instead of the desire and striving for a speedier self-perfection a something began to arise such as they themselves characterize by the words ‘need of freedom,’ which chiefly serves the cause of the arising there of these same grievous processes of theirs similar to this last ‘Bolshevism.’

34.624

“I will explain to you somewhat later how they represent to themselves this famous freedom of theirs, and now I will only tell you that that feeling which arises from the action of Solioonensius strengthens in them the need for some or other general change in the conditions of their ordinary external being-existence which until then were more or less stable.

34.624

“After the second Transapalnian perturbation to this ill-starred planet of yours, that is, ‘after-the-loss-of-Atlantis,’ the action of the cosmic law Solioonensius in the general presences of these favorites of yours was actualized at least forty times and almost from the very beginning, each time, thanks already to this strange ‘need of freedom’ which has since been fixed in the majority of them, almost the same proceeded as in recent years still proceeds on that part of the surface of your planet on which the totality of the existing groups is called ‘Russia.’

34.624

“Here it is extremely important also to notice that the existence itself of these terrifying processes could not in any way take place there among the three-brained beings of the planet Earth if those data which had remained intact in their subconsciousness for the engendering of the being-impulse conscience, to which data the Most Saintly Ashiata Shiemash was the first to turn his attention and upon which he relied for the fulfillment of his mission, had taken part in the functioning of that consciousness of theirs which has become habitual for them during their waking state.

40 Beelzebub Tells How People Learned and Again Forgot About the Fundamental Cosmic Law of Heptaparaparshinokh

40.813

“When you began your elucidations about the holy planet Purgatory, you enjoined me to try to take in everything you spoke about, without missing anything, and you also enjoined me constantly to maintain the intensive tension of my ‘active mentation,’ so that corresponding data for the formation of the notion relating to every question explaining the details of both primordial fundamental sacred cosmic laws should be completely crystallized in me. I did indeed try during all your elucidations to do so, and, it seems to me, I cleared up so much for myself about these cosmic laws that I could perhaps even freely explain them to someone else.

40.813

“In any case I can already very well represent to myself the sacred law of Triamazikamno with the particularities of all three of its sacred independent forces and cognize it for my personal essence quite satisfactorily; but as regards the sacred law of Heptaparaparshinokh, then, although I have not yet fully made clear to my reason certain of its, in my opinion, unimportant details, nevertheless I hope that with a little more active pondering I shall understand them as well.

40.814

“Now, however, after I had—while trying to assimilate well these sacred laws—clearly sensed and become aware that they are very complicated and in general difficult for a ‘complete understanding,’ it suddenly greatly astonished me and continues to astonish and interest me how the three-brained beings who arise and exist on the planet Earth could not only understand these sacred cosmic laws, but could even have constated them among the surrounding cosmic results, because, from all your tales about them, I got the full impression that since the second Transapalnian perturbation there, when each of the newly arising results of theirs becomes a responsible being, he becomes, thanks to the abnormal prevailing Oskiano, the possessor of only ‘automatic-Reason.’

“And that it is impossible to understand both of these sacred cosmic laws with such a Reason, I became convinced with the whole of my essence when I myself tried to understand them.”

43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War

43.1055

“Dear Grandfather! Although thanks to your exhaustive explanations relating to different episodes which proceeded on the planet Earth during the process of the existence of the three-brained beings, I obtained a clear conception and convincing understanding of the surprising strangeness of their psyche, nevertheless the question still arises in me about one particularity of this psyche of theirs which I cannot yet understand at all and which, even taking their strange psyche into account, appears to me not logical. My thoughts constantly return to this perplexing question and were even concentrated on it during the sacred sacrament in the Djamdjarnpal.

43.1055

“From all of your explanations concerning the process of the existence of these three-brained beings, I very definitely understood that although during all their responsible existence, particularly after the third Transapalnian perturbation there, they began to have chiefly purely automatic Reason, yet even with this automatic Reason they can mentate fairly often and deliberate so well that they are even able to constate all kinds of more of less exact laws of Nature on their planet, according to which they even invent something themselves.

43.1055-6

“At the same time, parallel with this, the mention of that particularity of theirs proper to them alone, namely, the need of periodically occupying themselves with the destruction of each other’s existence, runs like a crimson thread through all your tales.

43.1056

“And so, my dear Grandfather, I cannot at all understand how it can happen that in spite of having existed over such a long period, they have not yet become aware and until now continue to be unaware of the horror of this property of theirs.

43.1056

“Don’t they really ever see that these processes of theirs are the most terrible of all the horrors which can possibly exist in the whole of the Universe, and don’t they ever ponder on this matter, so that they might become aware of this horror and find a means of eradicating it?

43.1056

“Please, Grandfather, tell me why it is so, and which aspects, composing the totality of the strangenesses of their psyche, are the causes of this particularity of theirs?”

44 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Understanding of Justice Is for Him in the Objective Sense an Accursed Mirage

44.1132

“As the information I learned concerning the question—in what way the said copy of the Boolmarshano incised with his own hand by Makary Kronbernkzion and which I happened to decipher during my last sojourn on your planet, remained intact and reached to the contemporary epoch—will be very instructive and interesting to you, I will briefly tell you about it.

44.1132

“When the original of that Boolmarshano was created and sincerely admired and approved by the other learned members of the society Akhaldan, it was placed in the middle of the central what is called ‘cathedral’ of the beings belonging to that society.

44.1132-3

“In consequence of the fact that the contents of the said Boolmarshano then began to interest a greater and greater number of the beings of that period, then the leaders of the mentioned society decided to make several copies of it in order to place them in the same way in all the branches of the Church in other cities of that same continent Atlantis as well as on other continents.

44.1133

“Seven very exact copies were made of it just for this purpose from the said tusks of the Chirniano.

44.1133

“One of these mentioned copies, as my what is called ‘Spipsychoonalian investigations’ cleared up for me, was then assigned to that branch of the Church which was situated on the small continent then existing named ‘Sinndraga,’ which lay not far from the still existing continent Africa.

44.1133

“During the second Transapalnian perturbation to that ill-fated planet, this small continent Sinndraga, also just like the continent Atlantis, entered with all that was on it within the planet.

44.1133

“And as regards the continent Grabontzi or, as it is now called, Africa,’ you must notice that although this continent did not then enter wholly within the planet, yet nevertheless the same happened to it as happened to other still existing continents, as for instance to the continent Asia; namely, certain parts of it entered within and in their place, from beneath the water, others arose, which having become joined to its remaining parts, became formed as it is now at the present time.

44.1133

“When, as it seems, the said copy was brought to the continent Grabontzi in order from there to send it further, then, just at that time, that second great catastrophe befell to this ill-fated planet, and owing to that fact that that part of the surface of the continent Grabontzi on which this copy was found happened to remain intact, this copy did not enter within the planet.