Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War

43.1082

“I must here tell you further that certain of those terrestrial ‘intelligentsics,’ in whom during the period of their responsible existence certain already established forms of their inner functioning have, for various reasons, become definitely changed, are no longer called by the other terrestrial beings ‘intelligentsics’ but are given other names composed of different words, or, more exactly, of the roots of the words of ancient Greek.

“Namely, they name them:

‘Bureaucrats’
‘Plutocrats’
‘Theocrats’
‘Democrats’
‘Zevrocrats’
‘Aristocrats’

and so on….

43.1087

“Now, my boy, from the various intelligentsics enumerated by me it remains for me to tell you about those terrestrial types whom the other beings call zevrocrats and aristocrats, who are distinguished by the cognomens given to them, such as ‘emir,’ ‘count,’ ‘khan,’ ‘prince,’ ‘melik,’ ‘baron,’ and so on, the consonance of which for some reason or other acts extremely pleasantly on that function of your favorites which is always very strongly expressed in them, which remains in them up to their very death and which is called ‘vanity.’

43.1087

“And I must frankly confess to you, that it is very difficult to explain about these types there not only in ordinary speech but also in the language of our most wise Mullah Nassr Eddin.

43.1087

“The most we can say of them is that they are simply ‘jokes of nature.’

43.1087

“Still, I must say that although both these types there among your favorites are called differently, yet in fact these same aristocrats and zevrocrats are similar in every respect and have exactly identical inner properties.

43.1087

“Remember I have already told you that there on your planet, in various communities, there exist two kinds, as is said there, of ‘state organization.’

“One is called a ‘monarchic’ state organization and the other a ‘republican.’

43.1087

“In the communities where a republican state organization exists, these types are called zevrocrats; but where a monarchic state organization exists, they are called aristocrats.

43.1087-8

“Trying to give you at least some notion about these two terrestrial types, I think it will be best if I tell you about one of my embarrassments which occurred to me every time when, being on your planet, I accidentally happened to meet these ‘misconceptions.’ At chance meetings with them, one thing chiefly surprised me—how could this kind of terrestrial three-brained type exist on your peculiar planet almost as long as the other three-brained beings there?

43.1088

“Such a question was evoked in me by the beings there who belong to the caste of the bureaucrats, yet nevertheless as regards them one might still explain this to you, at least ‘more or less.’ Although the series of experiencings in them is also very limited, yet at any rate they actually have them; they have them at least for every hour of the day and night.

“All the experiencings, however, of these aristocrats and zevrocrats there, according to my observation, can be reduced to only three series.

43.1088

“The first concerns the question of food; the second consists of the recollections associated with the former functionings of their sexual organs; and the third relates to the memories of their first nurse.

43.1088

“And how the beings, who have in all only three series of such experiencings, could have the length of their existence the same as other beings on the surface of your planet, will always be for me an insoluble puzzle.

43.1088

“It is said that about this same puzzling question, that is, about how these terrestrial types manage to exist on the surface of the planet, even the great cunning Lucifer once grew very thoughtful, and he grew so intensely thoughtful that all the hairs of the tip of his tail turned quite gray.

43.1088

“About these mentioned so to say ‘jokes of nature,’ it remains for me only to attempt to explain to you why such a sharp difference exists there in the names of one and the same kind of being.

43.1088-9

“I said ‘attempt’ because I myself do not know exactly the cause of it, yet, knowing the roots of both words from which these names were formed, I think I can presume with great certainty that it was obtained thanks to a certain custom existing there.

43.1089

“I must tell you that your favorites there for some reason or other delight in sometimes arranging what are called ‘puppet shows.’

43.1089

“For some reason or other it also pleases them that these same zevrocrats or aristocrats should also take part in these ‘puppet plays’ of theirs, and accordingly they drag them also into these ‘puppet shows.’

43.1089

“As these beings there are in themselves already quite vacuous and consequently feeble, it becomes necessary during these ‘puppet shows’ for other beings of the given community to support them.

43.1089

“And simply from the method of their supporting, that is to say, by which arm they are supported, the difference in name was obtained; in the communities, namely, where ‘monarchic state organization’ exists, it has already long ago been the custom to support them with the right arm, and hence in these communities such types are called aristocrats.

43.1089

“And in the communities in which a ‘republican state organization’ exists they are supported with the left arm, and hence they are called zevrocrats.

43.1089

“Concerning in general a similar difference in the names there of terrestrial beings, another remarkable saying of our wise Mullah Nassr Eddin comes to my mind which he himself once told me personally.

43.1089

“Once we spoke about the difference in the legal proceedings and in the sentences passed between the Turkish and Persian ‘kazi,’ that is, magistrates; and concerning the equality of their justice, he then said:

43.1089

“‘Ekh! My dear friend!

43.1089

“‘Is there such a thing anywhere on Earth as a wise legal examination of men’s guilt?

43.1090

“‘The kazi are the same everywhere, only their names are different. In Persia they are called Persian, in Turkey, Turkish.

43.1090

“‘And that is just as it is everywhere on Earth; donkeys are alike, they are only differently called.

43.1090

“‘For instance, the species of donkey breeding in the Caucasus is called “Karabaghian”; and precisely the same kind of donkey breeding in Turkestan is called “Khorassanian.”’