Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

42 Beelzebub in America

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“Several days later, I had to go to the city of Chicago.

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“This city is the second in size on that continent and is, as it were, a second capital of ‘North America.’

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“On seeing me off for Chicago, that Mister, my New York acquaintance, gave me a letter of introduction to a certain Mister there.

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“As soon as I arrived in this city Chicago, I went straight to this said Mister.

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“This Chicago Mister turned out to be very amiable and most obliging.

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“His name was ‘Mister Bellybutton.’

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“For the evening of the first day, this amiable and obliging Mr. Bellybutton suggested my accompanying him to the house of some of his friends so that, as he expressed it, I should ‘not be bored’ in a quite strange city.

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“I, of course, agreed.

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“When we arrived, we found there a fair number of young American beings, guests like ourselves.

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“All the guests were exceedingly gay and very ‘merry.’

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“They were telling ‘funny stories’ in turn and the laughter from these stories of theirs lingered in the room like the smoke on a day when the wind is south over the chimneys of the American factories where the American sausages called ‘hot dogs’ are prepared.

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“As I also find funny stories amusing, that first evening of mine in the city of Chicago passed very gaily indeed.

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“All this would have been quite sensible and very delightful, if it had not been for one ‘feature’ of the stories told that first evening, which greatly astonished and perplexed me.

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“And that is, I was astonished by their what is called ‘ambiguity’ and ‘obscenity.’

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“The ambiguity and obscenity of these stories were such that any single one of these American storytellers could have given a dozen points to ‘Boccaccio,’ famous there on the planet Earth.

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“Boccaccio is the name of a certain writer who wrote for the beings of the Earth a very instructive book called the Decameron; it is very widely read there at the present time and is the favorite of contemporary beings breeding there on all continents and belonging to almost all communities there.

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“The following day, also in the evening, this kind Mr. Bellybutton took me again to some still other friends of his.

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“Here also were a large number of young American beings, both male and female, sitting in various corners of a very large room conversing quietly and very placidly.

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“When we were seated, a pretty young American girl soon came and sat down beside me, and began chatting with me.

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“As is usual there, I took up the conversation, and we chatted about anything and everything, she asking me among other things many questions about the city of Paris.

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“In the midst of the conversation, this American as they say ‘young lady’ suddenly, for no earthly reason at all, began stroking my neck.

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“I immediately thought, How kind of her! She must certainly have noticed a ‘flea’ on my neck and is now stroking the place to allay the irritation.

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“But when I soon noticed that all the young American beings present were also stroking each other, I was much astonished and could not understand what it was all about.

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“My first supposition concerning the ‘fleas’ no longer held good because it was impossible to suppose that everybody had a flea on his neck.

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“I began speculating what it was all about, but try as I might, I could give myself no explanation whatever.

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“Only afterwards, when we had left the house and were in the street, I asked Mr. Bellybutton for an explanation of it all. He immediately burst into unrestrained laughter and called me ‘simpleton’ and a ‘hick.’ Then, calming down a bit, he said:

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“‘What a queer guy you are; why, we have just been to a “petting party.”’ And still laughing at my naïvete, he explained that the day before we had also been to a party, but to a ‘story party,’ and tomorrow, he continued, ‘I was planning to take you to a “swimming party” where young people bathe together but of course all dressed in special costumes.’

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“When he saw that the same look of perplexed astonishment still remained on my face, he asked, ‘But if for some reason or other you don’t like such “tame affairs,” we can go to others that are not open to everybody. There are lots of such “parties” here and I am a member of several of them.

“‘At these parties which are not open to everybody, we can, if you like, have something more “substantial.”’

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“But I did not take advantage of this kindness of this obliging and exceedingly ‘amiable’ Mr. Bellybutton, because the next morning I received a telegram which made it necessary for me to return to New York.”