Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth

19.206

“On the planet Mars I was indeed expected by several beings of our tribe who had newly arrived from the planet Karatas. Among them, by the way, was also your grandmother who, according to the indications of the chief Zirlikners of the planet Karatas, had been assigned to me as the passive half for the continuance of my line.”

23 The Fourth Personal Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth

23.287

“At that period, these terrestrial three-brained beings, already of responsible age, whom the others named ‘Astrologers,’ besides making the said observations and investigations of various other cosmic concentrations for the purpose of a greater, as is said, ‘detailizing’ of that branch of general learning of which they were representatives, fulfilled several further definite essence-obligations taken upon themselves towards surrounding beings similar to themselves.

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“Among their fundamental definite obligations was that they also, like our Zirlikners, had to advise all the conjugal pairs in their what was then called ‘flock,’ according to the types of those pairs, about the time and form of the process of the sacred ‘Elmooarno’ for the purpose of a desirable and corresponding conception of their results, and when such results were actualized, or, as they themselves say, ‘newly born,’ they had to draw up their ‘Oblekioonerish’ which is the same as what your favorites call ‘horoscope’; and later either they themselves or their substitutes had—during the whole period of the formation of the newly born for responsible existence and of their subsequent responsible existence—to guide them and give corresponding indications on the basis of the said Oblekioonerish and also on the basis of the cosmic laws, constantly explained by them, flowing from the actions of the results of other large cosmic concentrations in general on the process of being-existence of beings on all planets.

29 The Fruits of Former Civilizations and the Blossoms of the Contemporary

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“Here it is interesting to notice that when one of your contemporary favorites already partially dies for good in this way, then their contemporary Zirlikners, or as they are called ‘physicians,’ look upon such a death as most certainly a disease, and with every kind of wiseacring that has become proper to them, start treating it; and they give these supposed diseases every sort of name consonant with an ancient language utterly unknown to them, called ‘Latin.’

31 The Sixth and Last Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth

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“That is why I then became just such a professional there as is called at the present time a ‘physician.’

31.540

“This profession there corresponds somewhat to that profession which those whom we call our ‘Zirlikners’ have.

31.540

“Before telling you further, I must, I think, enlighten you a little also about what the contemporary physicians there represent in themselves, who ought to correspond to our Zirlikners.

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“You probably already well know that Zirlikners among us on the planet Karatas, as also in general beings similar to them on other planets of our Great Universe upon which breed already-formed three-brained beings, and from the number of whom are several, who, called differently on different planets, take upon themselves essential obligations in relation to the environment of beings similar to themselves—well, these Zirlikners are those responsible individuals who voluntarily devote the whole of their existence to helping any being of that region to fulfill his being-obligations, if this being for some reason or other, or simply thanks to a temporary irregular functioning of his planetary body, ceases to be able to fulfill his inner or outer being-duty by himself.

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“It must without fail be noticed that in former times also on your planet such professionals as are now called there physicians were almost the same and did almost the same as our Zirlikners among us; but gradually with the flow of time, the responsible beings there who devoted themselves to such a profession, namely, to the fulfillment of such a high voluntary being-duty taken upon themselves, degenerated like everything on that strange planet and became also absolutely peculiar.

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“But if the house to which such a terrestrial ‘Zirlikner’ is called for help to a needy being smells of what are called ‘cancelled-German-marks,’ then his inner being-wish to help the person in need also increases, but only in this respect, that he may write out as quickly as possible what is called a ‘prescription,’ invented by the Germans, and the more quickly leave the house.

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“Well, further, this said prescription thus written by them is taken by the near relatives of the person needing the help of the contemporary Zirlikner there to one of their contemporary what are called ‘pharmacies,’ where their ‘pharmacists’ prepare the required ‘mixtures.’

44 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Understanding of Justice Is for Him in the Objective Sense an Accursed Mirage

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“Your father, as I have already told you, was immediately assigned to the post of ‘Zirlikner’ on one of the parts of the surface of our dear Karatas, in which post he gradually became worthy of obtaining the responsibility of chief Zirlikner over all the three-brained beings breeding on our planet, which post he still retains.

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“In order that this should become comprehensible to you, I must tell you that among those exiled with me, at the very beginning of our exile there, was the chief ‘Zirlikner’ of our planet Karatas, the then still young but already very learned Pooloodjistius, who after the all-gracious pardon, became worthy to be and still is an assistant to the Great Observer of the movements of all the concentrations of the Megalocosmos—His Self-Keepness the Archseraph Ksheltarna.

45 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Extraction of Electricity from Nature and Its Destruction During Its Use, Is One of the Chief Causes of the Shortening of the Life of Man

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“I knew this Toof-Nef-Tef or king in his youth when he was only a ‘Plef-Perf-Noof,’ and a Plef-Perf-Noof is almost the same as our Zirlikners or, on your planet Earth, ‘physicians.’