Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson




2 Introduction: Why Beelzebub Was in Our Solar System


Through the Universe flew the ship Karnak of the “transspace” communication.


It was flying from the spaces “Assooparatsata,” that is, from the spaces of the “Milky Way,” from the planet Karatas to the solar system “Pandetznokh,” the sun of which is also called the “Pole Star.”


On the said “transspace” ship was Beelzebub with his kinsmen and near attendants.


He was on his way to the planet Revozvradendr to a special conference in which he had consented to take part, at the request of his friends of long standing.

Only the remembrance of these old friendships had constrained him to accept this invitation, since he was no longer young, and so lengthy a journey, and the vicissitudes inseparable from it, were by no means an easy task for one of his years.


Only a little before this journey Beelzebub had returned home to the planet Karatas where he had received his arising and far from which, on account of circumstances independent of his own essence, he had passed many years of his existence in conditions not proper to his nature.


This many-yeared existence, unsuited to him, together with the perceptions unusual for his nature and the experiences not proper to his essence involved in it, had not failed to leave on his common presence a perceptible mark.

Besides, time itself had by now inevitably aged him, and the said unusual conditions of existence had brought Beelzebub, just that Beelzebub who had had such an exceptionally strong, fiery, and splendid youth, to an also exceptional old age.


Long, long before, while Beelzebub was still existing at home on the planet Karatas, he had been taken, owing to his extraordinarily resourceful intelligence, into service on the “Sun Absolute,” where our LORD SOVEREIGN ENDLESSNESS has the fundamental place of HIS Dwelling; and there Beelzebub, among others like himself, had become an attendant upon HIS ENDLESSNESS.


And so, when events of great importance occurred on one of the planets of the solar system “Pandetznokh,” Beelzebub’s old friends had decided to intrude upon him and to invite him to the conference concerning these events.


And it was as the outcome of this that Beelzebub was now making the long journey on the ship Karnak from the planet Karatas to the planet Revozvradendr.


16 The Relative Understanding of Time


“You must first know that for the definition of Time, the three-brained beings of that planet take the ‘year’ as the basic unit of their time-calculation, just as we do, and also, like us, they define the duration of their ‘year’ by the time of a certain movement of their planet in relation to another definite cosmic concentration; that is to say, they take that period in the course of which their planet, during its movement—that is, during the processes of ‘Falling’ and ‘Catching-up’—makes what is called its ‘Krentonalnian-revolution’ in relation to its sun.


“It is similar to our reckoning of a ‘year’ for our planet Karatas, which is the period of time between the nearest approach of the sun ‘Samos’ to the sun ‘Selos’ and its next similar approach.


“Bear in mind, first of all, that according to the data about which you will also learn when I shall later have specially explained to you the fundamental laws of World-creation and World-maintenance, it is also established by the same Objective Science that in general all normal three-brained beings, and amongst them certainly even the beings arising on our planet Karatas, sense the sacred ‘Egokoolnatsnarnian’ action for the definition of Time forty-nine times more slowly than the same sacred action is sensed by the sacred Individuals dwelling on the Most Holy Sun Absolute.


“Consequently the process of the flow of Time for the three-brained beings of our Karatas flows forty-nine times more quickly than on the Sun Absolute, and thus it should flow also for the beings breeding on the planet Earth.


“And it is also calculated that during the period of Time in which the sun ‘Samos’ actualizes its nearest approach to the sun ‘Selos,’ which period of the flow of Time is considered a ‘year’ for the planet Karatas, the planet Earth actualizes in relation to its Sun ‘Ors’ three hundred and eighty-nine of its ‘Krentonalnian-revolutions.’

“From which it follows that our ‘year,’ according to the conventionally objective time-calculation, is three hundred and eighty-nine times longer than that period of Time which your favorites consider and call their year.’


“It may not be without interest for you to know that all these calculations were partly explained to me by the Great Arch-Engineer of the Universe, His Measurability, Archangel Algamatant. MAY HE BE PERFECTED UNTO THE HOLY ANKLAD….

“He explained this to me when, on the occasion of the first great misfortune to this planet Earth, he came to the planet Mars as one of the sacred members of the third Most Great Commission; and the captain of the trans-space ship Omnipresent, with whom I had several friendly talks during that journey, also partly explained it to me during my journey home.


“Now it must be further noticed that you, as a three-brained being who arose on the planet Karatas, are at the present time still only a boy of twelve years, and in respect of Being and of Reason, you are exactly like a boy of twelve on the planet Earth who has not yet been formed and who is not yet cognizant of himself—through which being-age all the three-brained beings arising there also live during the process of their growing up to the Being of a responsible being.


18 The Arch-preposterous


“In short, when I presented myself to His All-Quarters-Maintainer, he deigned to ask me, among other things, whether I had taken with me all the being-productions which had interested me and which I had collected from various planets of that solar system where I existed during my exile.

“I replied that I had taken almost everything, except those cumbersome apparatuses which my friend Gornahoor Harharkh had constructed for me on the planet Mars.


“He at once promised to give orders that everything I should indicate should be taken at the first opportunity on the next trip of the space-ship Omnipresent.


“That is why, my boy, I hope that everything necessary will be brought to our planet Karatas so that, when we return there, you will be able to see it all with your own eyes, and I shall be able to explain everything in detail, practically.


19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth


“When I arrived on our ship Occasion I found an etherogram for me from Mars in which I was informed of the arrival there of another party of beings from the planet Karatas, and that speedy return there was desired.


“On the planet Mars I was indeed expected by several beings of our tribe who had newly arrived from the planet Karatas. Among them, by the way, was also your grandmother who, according to the indications of the chief Zirlikners of the planet Karatas, had been assigned to me as the passive half for the continuance of my line.”


22 Beelzebub for the First Time in Tibet


“Be that as it may, if this abnormal growth of the Tibetan mountains continues thus in the future, a great catastrophe on a general cosmic scale is sooner or later inevitable.

“However, when the menace I see becomes already evident, no doubt the Most High, Most Sacred Cosmic Individuals will at the proper time take the proper precautions.”


“If you please, if you please, your Right Reverence,” Ahoon interrupted Beelzebub, and rattled off the following:

“Allow me to report to you, your Right Reverence, some information which I happened to pick up concerning just that growth of those same Tibetan mountains about which you have deigned to speak.

“Just before our flight from the planet Karatas,” continued Ahoon, “I had the pleasure of meeting the Archangel Viloyer, the Governor of our solar system, and His Splendiferousness condescended to recognize me and to speak to me.


“Perhaps you remember, your Right Reverence, that while we were existing on the planet Zernakoor, His Splendiferousness Archangel Viloyer was still an ordinary angel, and used often to drop in to see us?


“So when His Splendiferousness, during our conversation, heard the name of that solar system where we were exiled, he told me that at the last most high and most sacred reception of finally returned cosmic results, a certain Individual, Saint Lama, had had the privilege of personally presenting at the feet of our ENDLESS UNI-BEING, in the presence of all the Most High Individuals, a certain petition regarding the abnormal growth of the elevations of some planet—it seems just of that solar system—and having received this request, our ALL-GRACIOUS-ENDLESSNESS immediately ordered Archangel Looisos to be dispatched to that solar system where, as one familiar with that system, he might there on the spot clarify the causes of the manifestation of the said projections and take appropriate measures.

“That is why His Conformity Archangel Looisos is at the present time hastily winding up his current affairs in order to set off there.”


31 The Sixth and Last Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth


When after two “Ornakres1 the cosmic intersystem ship Karnak had left the spheres of the atmosphere of the planet Revozvradendr and began to fall back in the direction of the solar system ‘Pandetznokh’ onto the planet Karatas, Hassein, having sat down in his usual place, addressed Beelzebub with the following words:


“You probably already well know that Zirlikners among us on the planet Karatas, as also in general beings similar to them on other planets of our Great Universe upon which breed already-formed three-brained beings, and from the number of whom are several, who, called differently on different planets, take upon themselves essential obligations in relation to the environment of beings similar to themselves—well, these Zirlikners are those responsible individuals who voluntarily devote the whole of their existence to helping any being of that region to fulfill his being-obligations, if this being for some reason or other, or simply thanks to a temporary irregular functioning of his planetary body, ceases to be able to fulfill his inner or outer being-duty by himself.


1 An “Ornakre” is approximately equal to that period of the flow of time which on Earth we would define as a “month.”


35 A Change in the Appointed Course of the Falling of the Transspace Ship Karnak


“I very well know, my dear Captain, that I am giving you no easy task, because I have already been a witness of the difficulties in carrying out this same request of mine, when, returning for the first time after my gracious pardon to the place of my arising on the planet Karatas, I desired before descending onto it, to visit the surface of the planet Deskaldino. On that occasion, when the captain of the intersystem ship Omnipresent had agreed to this and directed the falling of the Omnipresent in the direction of the atmosphere of that planet and was indeed able to carry out my request, I was able, before my return to my native land, to reach the surface of the planet Deskaldino and I had the happiness of greeting the Great Saroonoorishan, the creator of my genuine being-existence, and to receive from him his ‘creator-benediction,’ most dear and most precious to me.”


38 Religion


“Although the process of the strangeness of their peculiar psyche, namely, the process of the final destruction of these two great religions, began after my departure from their solar system, yet thanks to the contents of an etherogram about the beings of that strange planet which I received just before our flight from the planet Karatas I understand how things were, and can now already say with complete conviction that they will no longer stop at stripping them, but without further ado entirely destroy even their very traces.


“Now we shall have, willy-nilly, to stop our talk about this Sacred Individual Jesus Christ, but nevertheless, my boy, when we arrive home and exist on our dear Karatas, remind me sometime when I am free, to finish telling you about the whole of this history in detail.


39 The Holy Planet “Purgatory”


“Now, my boy, in my opinion, before going on to a more detailed explanation of how their higher-parts were then coated and perfected in the common presences of the first Tetartocosmoses, as well as in the common presences of those who were afterwards named ‘beings,’ it is necessary to give you more information about the fact that we, beings arisen on the planet Karatas, and also the beings arisen on your planet called Earth, are already no longer such ‘Polormedekhtic’ beings as were the first beings who were transformed directly from the Tetartocosmoses, that is to say, beings called Polormedekhtic or, as it is still now said, ‘Monoenithits’ but are beings called ‘Keschapmartnian,’ i.e., nearly half-beings, owing to which the completing process of the sacred Heptaparaparshinokh does not proceed at the present time through us or through your favorites, the three-brained beings of the planet Earth, exactly as it proceeded in them. And we are such Keschapmartnian beings because the last fundamental Stopinder of the sacred Heptaparaparshinokh, which at the present time almost all the beings of the Megalocosmos call the sacred ‘Ashagiprotoëhary,’ is not in the centers of those planets upon which we arise—as it occurs in general in the majority of the planets of our great Megalocosmos—but is in the centers of their satellites, which for our planet Karatas is the little planet of our solar system which we call ‘Prnokhpaioch,’ and for the planet Earth, its former fragments now called the Moon and Anulios.


“Perhaps, my boy, you do not yet know anything about the ‘sacred-sacraments-of-the-great-Serooazar’?” Beelzebub asked his grandson.


To this question of Beelzebub’s his grandson Hassein replied thus:


“No, dear Grandfather, the details of this I do not yet know; I only know that these Dionosks are regarded among us on the planet Karatas as great holy days and are called ‘Helping-God-Dionosks,’ and I know that for these great holy days, the Dionosks, all our beings, ‘Actavus’ as well as ‘Passavus,’ prepare themselves almost from the end of the previous holy day, and that one ‘Loonias’ before the beginning of these sacred sacraments, both old and young among us cease to introduce the first being-food into themselves and, by various sacred ceremonies, mentally give thanks to our COMMON CREATOR for their existence.


“I also know that the last two of these solemn Dionosks are considered and called among us the ‘Dionosks-for-the-glorifying-of-the-first-producer-of-each-family.’


“And that is why, my dear Grandfather, every year during these Dionosks we all remembered and talked only of you, and each one of us strove with his whole Being to manifest the sincere wish that your destiny may constantly create for you those conditions of being-existence which might aid you quickly and easily to bring your Reason up to the required sacred gradation and that thereby you might the sooner finish your present ‘ordinary-being-existence,’ personally burdensome for you.”


With these last solemnly pronounced words, Hassein ended his reply.


“Very well, my boy,” said Beelzebub. “We will talk about the ‘sacred-sacrament-of-the-Serooazar’ when we return to our dear Karatas.


“There I will explain to you sometime in detail where and how the sacred sacrament of Serooazar proceeds with the substances being-Exioëhary for the continuation of one’s species and on what occasions and in what way the mixing and subsequent results of the two kinds of Exioëhary are obtained; one kind is transformed for the affirming principle in those ‘beings-apparatuses’ which on our planet Karatas are the beings ‘Actavus’ and on your planet Earth the beings of the ‘male sex’; and the other kind is transformed for the denying principle in those ‘beings-apparatuses’ which among us on the planet Karatas are the beings ‘Passavus’ and on the planet Earth the beings of the ‘female sex.’


40 Beelzebub Tells How People Learned and Again Forgot About the Fundamental Cosmic Law of Heptaparaparshinokh


“Such an inner independent Ansapalnian-octave is likewise present in that solar system to which our dear Karatas belongs, and we call these seven heterogeneous cosmic substances of different properties:

(1) Planekurab—which is just their Hydrogen
(2) Alillonofarab
(3) Krilnomolnifarab
(4) Talkoprafarab
(5) Khritofalmonofarab
(6) Sirioonorifarab
(7) Klananoizufarab


“And on your planet the genuine learned beings at different periods called by various names these same seven relatively independent crystallizations of different properties or, according to their expression, active elements, which compose the inner Ansapalnian-octave of their own solar system; the contemporary, as they are called, learned chemists there, however, who are already ‘learned-of-new-formation-of-the-first-water,’ call them:

(1) Hydrogen
(2) Fluorine
(3) Chlorine
(4) Bromine
(5) Iodine


“For the last two definite crystallizations they have no names at all because their names did not reach them from their ancestors, and at the present time they even do not suspect the existence on their planet of these two cosmic substances, although these two cosmic substances are the principal necessary factors for their own existence.


“These two latter cosmic substances, which might be quite tangible and quite accessible in all spheres of their planet, were still known only about two centuries ago among the ‘scientific beings’ there who were then called ‘alchemists’—but whom the contemporary ‘comic-scientists’ simply call ‘occult-charlatans,’ considering them to be only ‘exploiters of human naïvete’—and were called by them ‘Hydro-oomiak’ and ‘Petrkarmak.’


“And as regards the ‘seven-toned scale of sound’ which had reached them from the ancient Chinese beings, then you must be informed about this as detailedly as possible, because first of all, thanks to this information, you will better understand about the laws of vibrations in which all the peculiarities of the sacred Heptaparaparshinokh can be constated and cognized; and secondly, because, among those things intentionally reproduced by those same three-brained beings of yours who have taken your fancy, for daily use in their general existence, I brought home from there also one ‘sound-producing instrument’ named there ‘piano’ on which the vibration-engendering ‘strings’ were placed which could be arranged just as on the Dzendvokh, that is, the second special part of the famous experimental apparatus Alla-attapan, which was created by the great twin brothers and on which, when we return on to our dear Karatas, I shall be able to explain to you by demonstration, what is called, the ‘successiveness-of-the-processes-of-the-mutual-blending-of-vibrations.’ Thanks to these practical explanations of mine you will more easily be able to represent to yourself and approximately to cognize just how and in which successiveness in our great Megalocosmos the process of the Most Great Trogoautoegocrat proceeds and in what way the large and small cosmic concentrations arise.


“Moreover, you will soon clearly convince yourself about this when, on returning to our dear Karatas, I will show you, as I have already promised, and explain practically the significance of the tuning on that contemporary sound-producing instrument, the piano, which was taken by me among a number of other things from the surface of your planet and which I brought in order experimentally to elucidate to myself on being free at home, one of its particularities which I did not have sufficient time to elucidate there on the spot and which is connected with the strange psyche of these three-brained beings who have taken your fancy and with the vibrations of different vivifyingness engendered around them.


44 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Understanding of Justice Is for Him in the Objective Sense an Accursed Mirage


“After my arrival on the planet Mars, the said Cherub did indeed soon make his appearance, and the command given him from Above concerning me was this, that owing to my conscious labors for the attainment of results for the purpose of common-cosmic welfare, that is to say, owing to the fact that I had attained on your planet the abolition of the practice of ‘sacrificial offerings’ among the three-brained beings who have taken your fancy, and also owing to the personal petition of His Conformity the Angel Looisos before our COMMON FATHER ENDLESSNESS, my punishment for my personal transgression was reduced in this respect that thenceforward it should no longer affect my posterity.


“So it was just from then on that my children, that is your father and your uncle Tooilan, could already, whenever they wished, at their own desire, return to the Center, and there discharge their appropriate obligations to the innumerable actualizations of our UNIVERSAL FATHER.


“After this great event for our family, my children indeed soon left the planet Mars and returned to the Center, where on their arrival, being already great sages in certain spheres of objective knowledge and good actualizers of its laws in practical application, they were soon appointed to appropriate responsible duties.


“Your father, as I have already told you, was immediately assigned to the post of ‘Zirlikner’ on one of the parts of the surface of our dear Karatas, in which post he gradually became worthy of obtaining the responsibility of chief Zirlikner over all the three-brained beings breeding on our planet, which post he still retains.


“And your uncle Tooilan, as I have also already told you, was then enrolled as one of the assistants to the director of the etherogram station on the holy planet Purgatory, which, then as now, has an ‘etherogram connection’ with almost all the planets of our Great Universe.


“Later he also merited the post of chief director and this post he still retains at the present time.


“I must explain to you, my boy, also why on their arrival there at the Center, my results or, according to the expression of your favorites, my ‘sons,’ then became worthy immediately to obtain these responsible posts.


“In order that this should become comprehensible to you, I must tell you that among those exiled with me, at the very beginning of our exile there, was the chief ‘Zirlikner’ of our planet Karatas, the then still young but already very learned Pooloodjistius, who after the all-gracious pardon, became worthy to be and still is an assistant to the Great Observer of the movements of all the concentrations of the Megalocosmos—His Self-Keepness the Archseraph Ksheltarna.


At this point of Beelzebub’s tales, there entered that part of the cosmic ship Karnak where the conversations took place one of the servants of the ship, who gave Beelzebub a newly received ‘Leitoochanbros’ addressed to him; and on leaving he turned to everybody and joyfully exclaimed that the reflections of the sphere of the planet Karatas could already be seen.


45 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Extraction of Electricity from Nature and Its Destruction During Its Use, Is One of the Chief Causes of the Shortening of the Life of Man


“Do you know, my boy? In consequence of the fact that all the events and conversations which served as the cause of the gradual elucidation and crystallization in me of the data for the indubitable conviction of such a common-cosmic distressing fact are in general very interesting, and might be for you very instructive, and, as only the reflections of the sphere of our dear Karatas are meanwhile visible, I will tell you also about this in somewhat greater detail.


46 Beelzebub Explains to His Grandson the Significance of the Form and Sequence Which He Chose for Expounding the Information Concerning Man


“The point is, that when I returned to our dear Karatas, I, being free from any other being-duties whatsoever, voluntarily took upon myself the responsible guidance of your finishing Oskiano for the Being of a responsible being, or, as your favorites would say, ‘your education.’ And, in view of the fact that the present period of your existence is for you just that period when in general, in three-brained beings, all those functions present in them are harmonized, which in totality during the period of responsible existence just actualize in them that form of mentation which is called ‘sane-mentation’; I, in consequence of this, when we set out on this journey in the space-ship Karnak, thought of profiting by this time to help you so that the harmonizing of the functions of yours and the formation of your future active mentation which depends on them should proceed precisely in that order, of the correctness of which I became convinced with the whole of my presence during the process of my long personal existence.


“Now, my boy, as I have already become more or less convinced that the time I have spent has not been in vain, and that my tales about the three-brained beings of your planet who have taken your fancy have brought you the benefit I expected, then, I think we might stop talking about them so as not to evoke the process of active mentation in you any longer; besides, time is short, for we shall soon be on our dear planet.


47 The Inevitable Result of Impartial Mentation


“Although our ship is now entering the spheres of our planet Karatas, yet as usually happens with space-ships, in order to exhaust the momentum they have acquired, a fairly long time will elapse before it stops at its destined mooring place.”