Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson




10 Why “Men” Are Not Men


“The sacred members of this Most High Commission then reasoned that if the said mechanical instinct in these biped three-brained beings of that planet should develop towards the attainment of Objective Reason—as usually occurs everywhere among three-brained beings—then it might quite possibly happen that they would prematurely comprehend the real cause of their arising and existence and make a great deal of trouble; it might happen that having understood the reason for their arising, namely, that by their existence they should maintain the detached fragments of their planet, and being convinced of this their slavery to circumstances utterly foreign to them, they would be unwilling to continue their existence and would on principle destroy themselves.


“So, my boy, in view of this the Most High Commission then decided among other things provisionally to implant into the common presences of the three-brained beings there a special organ with a property such that, first, they should perceive reality topsy-turvy and, secondly, that every repeated impression from outside should crystallize in them data which would engender factors for evoking in them sensations of ‘pleasure’ and ‘enjoyment.’


“And then, in fact, with the help of the Chief-Common-Universal-Arch-Chemist-Physicist Angel Looisos, who was also among the members of this Most High Commission, they caused to grow in the three-brained beings there, in a special way, at the base of their spinal column, at the root of their tail—which they also, at that time, still had, and which part of their common presences furthermore still had its normal exterior expressing the, so to say, ‘fullness-of-its-inner-significance’—a ‘something’ which assisted the arising of the said properties in them.


“And this ‘something’ they then first called the ‘organ Kundabuffer.’


“Having made this organ grow in the presences of the three-brained beings and having seen that it would work, the Most High Commission consisting of Sacred Individuals headed by the Archangel Sakaki, reassured and with good consciences, returned to the Center, while there, on the planet Earth which has taken your fancy, the action of this astonishing and exceedingly ingenious invention began from the first day to develop, and developed, as the wise Mullah Nassr Eddin would say—‘like a Jericho-trumpet-in-crescendo.’


“Now, in order that you may have at least an approximate understanding of the results of the properties of the organ devised and actualized by the incomparable Angel Looisos—blessed be his name to all eternity—it is indispensable that you should know about the various manifestations of the three-brained beings of that planet, not only during the period when this organ Kundabuffer existed in their presences, but also during the later periods when, although this astonishing organ and its properties had been destroyed in them, nevertheless, owing to many causes, the consequences of its properties had begun to be crystallized in their presences.


“But this I will explain to you later.


“Meanwhile you must note that there was still a third descent of that Most High Commission to that planet, three years later according to objective time-calculations, but this time it was under the direction of the Most-Great-Arch-Seraph Sevohtartra, the Most Great Archangel Sakaki having, in the meantime, become worthy to become the divine Individual he now is, namely, one of the four Quarter-Maintainers of the whole Universe.


“And during just this third descent there, when it was made clear by the thorough investigations of the sacred members of this third Most High Commission that for the maintenance of the existence of those said detached fragments there was no longer any need to continue to actualize the deliberately taken anticipatory measures, then among the other measures there was also destroyed, with the help of the same Arch-Chemist-Physicist Angel Looisos, in the presences of the three-brained beings there, the said organ Kundabuffer with all its astonishing properties.


19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth


“Once, while on the planet Mars, we received an etherogram from the Center announcing the imminent reappearance there on the planet Mars of certain Most High Sacred Individuals; and indeed, within half a Martian year, a number of Archangels, Angels, Cherubim, and Seraphim did appear there, most of whom had been members of that Most Great Commission which had already appeared on our planet Mars during the first great catastrophe to that planet of yours.


“Among these Most High Sacred Individuals there was again His Conformity, the Angel—now already an Archangel—Looisos, of whom, do you remember, I recently told you that during the first great catastrophe to the planet Earth he had been one of the chief regulators in the matter of averting the consequences of that general cosmic misfortune.


“So, my boy! The day following this second appearance of the mentioned Sacred Individuals, His Conformity, escorted by one of the Seraphim, his second assistant, made His appearance at my house.


“After Te Deums with me, and after certain inquiries of mine concerning the Great Center, His Conformity then condescended to tell me, among other things, that after the collision of the comet Kondoor with the planet Earth, he, or other responsible cosmic Individuals, superintending the affairs of ‘Harmonious-World-Existence,’ had frequently descended to this solar system to observe the actualizing of those measures they had taken in order to avert the consequences of that general cosmic accident.


“‘And we descended,’ His Conformity continued, ‘because although we had then taken every possible measure and had assured everybody that everything would be quite all right, we ourselves were nevertheless not categorically convinced that no unexpectedness might occur there unforeseen.


“‘Our apprehensions were justified, although, “Thanks-to-Chance,” not in a serious form, that is to say, on a general cosmic scale, since this new catastrophe affected only the planet Earth itself.


“‘This second catastrophe to the planet Earth,’ continued His Conformity, ‘occurred owing to the following:


“‘When during the first disaster two considerable fragments had been separated from this planet, then for certain reasons, the what is called “center-of-gravity” of the whole of its presence had no time to shift immediately into a corresponding new place, with the result that right until the second catastrophe, this planet had existed with its “center-of-gravity” in a wrong position, owing to which its motion during that time was not “proportionately-harmonious” and there often occurred both within and upon it various commotions and considerable displacements.

“‘But it was recently, when the center-of-gravity of the planet finally shifted to its true center, that the said second catastrophe occurred.


“‘But now,’ added His Conformity with a shade of self-satisfaction, ‘the existence of this planet will be quite normal in respect of the common-cosmic harmony.

“‘This second catastrophe to the planet Earth has finally quite pacified and convinced us also that a catastrophe on a great scale cannot again occur on account of this planet.


“‘Not only has this planet itself now again acquired a normal movement in the general cosmic equilibrium, but its two detached fragments’—which, as I have already told you, are now called Moon and Anulios—‘have also acquired a normal movement and have become, although small, yet independent “Kofensharnian,” that is, additional, planets of that solar system Ors.’


“Having thought a little, His Conformity then told me:


“‘Your Reverence, I have appeared to you just for the purpose of talking over the future welfare of the large fragment of that planet, which exists at the present time under the name of Moon.


“‘This fragment,’ His Conformity continued, ‘has not only become an independent planet, but there has now begun on it the process of the formation of an atmosphere, which is necessary for every planet and which serves for the actualization of the Most Great common-cosmic Trogoautoegocrat.

“‘And now, your Reverence, the regular process of the formation of the said atmosphere on this small, unforeseenly arisen planet is being hindered by an undesirable circumstance caused by the three-brained beings arisen and existing on the planet Earth.


“‘And it is just about this that I have decided to apply to you, your Reverence, and to request you to consent to undertake in the Name of the UNI-BEING CREATOR, the task of trying to spare us the necessity of resorting to some extreme sacred process, unbecoming for three-centered beings, and to remove this undesirable phenomenon in some ordinary way through the “being-Reason” they have in their presences.’


“And in his further detailed explanations, His Conformity then said, among other things, that after the second catastrophe to the Earth, the biped three-brained beings who had accidentally survived had again multiplied; that now, the whole process of their being-existence was concentrated on another, newly formed, also large continent called ‘Ashhark’; that three independent large groups had just been formed on this same large continent ‘Ashhark,’ the first of which existed in a locality then called ‘Tikliamish,’ the second in a place called ‘Maralpleicie,’ and the third in a still existing locality then called ‘Gemchania’ or ‘Pearl-land’; and that in the general psyche of the beings belonging to all those three independent groups, certain peculiar ‘Havatvernoni’ had been formed, that is, certain psychic strivings, the totality of the process of which common-cosmic strivings they themselves had named ‘Religion.’


“‘Although these Havatvernoni or Religions have nothing in common,’ continued His Conformity, ‘yet nevertheless in these peculiar religions of theirs there is very widely spread among the beings of all three groups the same custom called among them “Sacrificial-Offerings.”

“‘And this custom of theirs is based on the notion, which can be cognized only by their strange Reason alone, that if they destroy the existence of beings of other forms in honor of their gods and idols, then these imaginary gods and idols of theirs would find it very, very agreeable, and always and in everything unfailingly help and assist them in the actualization of all their fantastic and wild fancies.


“‘This custom is at present so widespread there, and the destruction of the existence of beings of various forms for this maleficent purpose has reached such dimensions, that there is already a surplus of the “Sacred Askokin” required from the planet Earth for its former parts, that is to say, a surplus of those vibrations which arise during the sacred process of “Rascooarno” of beings of every exterior form arising and existing on that planet from which the said sacred cosmic arising is required.


“‘For the normal formation of the atmosphere of the newly arisen planet Moon, the said surplus of the Sacred Askokin has already begun seriously to hinder the correct exchange of matters between the planet Moon itself and its atmosphere, and the apprehension has already arisen that its atmosphere may in consequence be formed incorrectly and later become an obstacle to the harmonious movement of the whole system Ors, and perhaps again give rise to factors menacing a catastrophe on a greater common-cosmic scale.


“‘So, your Reverence, my request to you, as I have already told you, is that you should consent, since you are in the habit of often visiting various planets of that solar system, to undertake the task of specially descending on the planet Earth and of trying there on the spot to instill into the consciousness of these strange three-brained beings some idea of the senselessness of this notion of theirs.’


“Having said a few more words, His Conformity ascended and, when He was fairly high up, added in a loud voice: ‘By this, your Reverence, you will be rendering a great service to our UNI-BEING ALL-EMBRACING ENDLESSNESS.’


“After these Sacred Individuals had left the planet Mars, I decided to carry out the said task at all costs and to be worthy, if only by this explicit aid to our UNIQUE-BURDEN-BEARING-ENDLESSNESS, of becoming a particle, though an independent one, of everything existing in the Great Universe.

“So, my boy, imbued with this, I flew the next day on the same ship Occasion for the second time to your planet Earth.


21 The First Visit of Beelzebub to India


“Saint Buddha among other things explained to the beings of Pearl-land how and to what part of the body of their ancestors the said famous organ Kundabuffer had been attached.


“He told them that the Archangel Looisos had by a special means made this organ grow in their ancestors at the extremity of that brain which in them, just as in you, Nature has placed along their back in what is called the ‘spinal column.’


22 Beelzebub for the First Time in Tibet


“If you please, if you please, your Right Reverence,” Ahoon interrupted Beelzebub, and rattled off the following:

“Allow me to report to you, your Right Reverence, some information which I happened to pick up concerning just that growth of those same Tibetan mountains about which you have deigned to speak.

“Just before our flight from the planet Karatas,” continued Ahoon, “I had the pleasure of meeting the Archangel Viloyer, the Governor of our solar system, and His Splendiferousness condescended to recognize me and to speak to me.


“So when His Splendiferousness, during our conversation, heard the name of that solar system where we were exiled, he told me that at the last most high and most sacred reception of finally returned cosmic results, a certain Individual, Saint Lama, had had the privilege of personally presenting at the feet of our ENDLESS UNI-BEING, in the presence of all the Most High Individuals, a certain petition regarding the abnormal growth of the elevations of some planet—it seems just of that solar system—and having received this request, our ALL-GRACIOUS-ENDLESSNESS immediately ordered Archangel Looisos to be dispatched to that solar system where, as one familiar with that system, he might there on the spot clarify the causes of the manifestation of the said projections and take appropriate measures.

“That is why His Conformity Archangel Looisos is at the present time hastily winding up his current affairs in order to set off there.”


29 The Fruits of Former Civilizations and the Blossoms of the Contemporary


“As for the third of the enumerated chemical substances they invented, namely, ‘cocaine,’ that chemical substance is not only also of great assistance to Nature in more rapidly decomposing the planetary formations—in this instance, their own planetary bodies—but this chemical means has an effect on the psyche of the contemporary beings of the planet Earth surprisingly similar to that which the famous organ Kundabuffer had on the psyche of their ancestors.


“When their ancestors had that invention in themselves of the Great Angel Looisos, then, thanks to this organ, they were always exactly in the same state as the contemporary beings are when they introduce into themselves this German invention called cocaine.


“I must warn you, my boy, that even if the action of that German invention is similar to the action of the famous organ Kundabuffer, it happened without any conscious intention on the part of the contemporary beings of the community Germany; they became colleagues of the Great Angel Looisos only by chance.


43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War


“Thanks to this abnormal education of theirs, not only is nothing crystallized in them to enable them to reflect and actualize anything effective in practice, but on the contrary, thanks to this abnormal education those many consequences of the properties of the for them accursed organ Kundabuffer devised by the great Angel, now already Archangel Looisos, are gradually formed in them and become organic functions, and, being transmitted by heredity from one generation to another, are in general crystallized in the psyche of these unfortunates.


“Namely, those consequences of the said organ are formed in them, which exist there today under the names of ‘egoism,’ ‘partiality,’ ‘vanity,’ ‘self-love,’ and so on.


“And this custom was adopted this time on a larger scale than it had been when at the request of the Angel Looisos I descended there to try to do what I could to destroy that same custom among the three-brained beings there, which seemed at that time to His Conformity very undesirable for cosmic phenomena of a greater scale, because during all this time the number of your favorites had greatly increased and consequently the number also had increased of those anxious to ‘give pleasure’ to their fantastic idols.


“The destruction of the existence of other forms of beings was resumed there not only privately in houses, among their families, but also publicly in special places.


“I first learned that the destiny of beings arising on this planet of yours is chiefly to elaborate—by means of the process of their existence—the vibrations required by Nature for the maintenance of those former parts of the planet now called Moon and Anulios, when, do you remember, I became worthy personally to converse for the second time with His Conformity the then still Angel, but now Archangel, Looisos.


“His Conformity then told me that although the movements of both former parts of the planet Earth were now already finally regulated with the general harmony of movement and that every kind of apprehension of some or other surprise in the near future had absolutely vanished, yet to avoid any possible complications in the distant future it had been explicitly decided by the Most High, Most Sacred Individuals to actualize the ‘corresponding’ on the planet for the formation of what is called the Sacred Askokin so that this sacred cosmic substance, required for the maintenance of that planet’s former parts, might continuously issue from that planet.


“And further, His Highness also explained that this cosmic substance, the Sacred Askokin, exists in general in the Universe chiefly blended with the sacred substances ‘Abrustdonis’ and ‘Helkdonis,’ and hence that this sacred substance Askokin in order to become vivifying for such a maintenance must first be freed from the said sacred substances Abrustdonis and Helkdonis.


“To tell the truth, my boy, I did not at once clearly understand all that he then said, and it was only later that I came to understand it all clearly, when, during my studies of the fundamental cosmic laws, I learned that these sacred substances Abrustdonis and Helkdonis are just those substances by which the higher being-bodies of three-brained beings, namely, the body Kesdjan and the body of the Soul, are in general formed and perfected; and when I learned that the separation of the sacred Askokin from the said sacred substances proceeds in general when the beings on whatever planet it might be transubstantiate the sacred substances Abrustdonis and Helkdonis in themselves for the forming and perfecting of their higher bodies, by means of conscious labors and intentional sufferings.


44 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Understanding of Justice Is for Him in the Objective Sense an Accursed Mirage


“After my arrival on the planet Mars, the said Cherub did indeed soon make his appearance, and the command given him from Above concerning me was this, that owing to my conscious labors for the attainment of results for the purpose of common-cosmic welfare, that is to say, owing to the fact that I had attained on your planet the abolition of the practice of ‘sacrificial offerings’ among the three-brained beings who have taken your fancy, and also owing to the personal petition of His Conformity the Angel Looisos before our COMMON FATHER ENDLESSNESS, my punishment for my personal transgression was reduced in this respect that thenceforward it should no longer affect my posterity.