Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson




19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth


“And in his further detailed explanations, His Conformity then said, among other things, that after the second catastrophe to the Earth, the biped three-brained beings who had accidentally survived had again multiplied; that now, the whole process of their being-existence was concentrated on another, newly formed, also large continent called ‘Ashhark’; that three independent large groups had just been formed on this same large continent ‘Ashhark,’ the first of which existed in a locality then called ‘Tikliamish,’ the second in a place called ‘Maralpleicie,’ and the third in a still existing locality then called ‘Gemchania’ or ‘Pearl-land’; and that in the general psyche of the beings belonging to all those three independent groups, certain peculiar ‘Havatvernoni’ had been formed, that is, certain psychic strivings, the totality of the process of which common-cosmic strivings they themselves had named ‘Religion.’


“After these Sacred Individuals had left the planet Mars, I decided to carry out the said task at all costs and to be worthy, if only by this explicit aid to our UNIQUE-BURDEN-BEARING-ENDLESSNESS, of becoming a particle, though an independent one, of everything existing in the Great Universe.

“So, my boy, imbued with this, I flew the next day on the same ship Occasion for the second time to your planet Earth.


“This time our ship Occasion alighted on the sea which was newly formed by the perturbation during the second great disaster to that planet of yours, and which was called there in that period of the flow of time, ‘Kolhidious.’


“This sea was situated on the northwest of that newly formed large continent Ashhark, which at that period was already the chief center of the existence of the three-brained beings there.

“The other shores of this sea were composed of those newly emerged terra firmas which had become joined to the continent Ashhark, and which all together were first called ‘Frianktzanarali’ and a little later ‘Kolhidshissi.’

“It must be remarked that this sea and also the mentioned terra firmas exist until now, but of course they now already have other names; for instance, the continent Ashhark is now called Asia; the sea ‘Kolhidious,’ the ‘Caspian Sea’; and all the Frianktzanarali together now exist under the name ‘Caucasus.’


“The Occasion alighted on this sea Kolhidious or Caspian Sea because this sea was the most convenient for mooring our Occasion as well as for my further travels.

“And it was very convenient for my further travels because from the East a large river flowed into it, which watered almost the whole country of Tikliamish, and on the banks of which stood the capital of that country, the city ‘Koorkalai.’


“As the greatest center of the existence of these favorites of yours was then the country Tikliamish, I decided to go there first.


“Here it might as well be remarked that although this large river then called ‘Oksoseria’ now still exists, yet it no longer flows into the present Caspian Sea, because after a minor planetary tremor at almost half way, it turned to the right and flowed into one of the hollows on the surface of the continent Ashhark, where it gradually formed a small sea, which still exists and is called the ‘Aral Sea’; but the old bed of the former half of that large river which is now called the ‘Amu Darya,’ can still be seen by close observation.


“During the period of this second descent of mine in person, the country Tikliamish was considered to be and indeed was the richest and most fertile of all the terra fir-mas of that planet good for ordinary being-existence.


“But when a third great catastrophe occurred to the ill-fated planet, this then most fertile country of the surface of your planet, along with other more or less fertile terra firmas, was covered by ‘Kashmanoon,’ or, as they say, by ‘Sands.’

“For long periods after this third catastrophe, this country Tikliamish was simply called ‘bare desert,’ and now, its parts have various names; its former principal part is called ‘Karakoom,’ that is, ‘Black-sands.’


“During these periods the second also quite independent group of three-brained beings of your planet also dwelt on that continent Ashhark, on that part which was then called the country Maralpleicie.

“Later when this second group also began to have a center point of their existence they called it the ‘city Gob’ and the whole country was for a long time called ‘Goblandia.’


“This locality also was afterwards covered by Kashmanoon and now the former principal part of this also once flourishing country is called simply ‘The Gobi Desert.’


“And as for the third group of the three-brained beings of that time of the planet Earth, this also quite independent group had the place of its existence on the southeastern side of the continent Ashhark, opposite to Tikliamish, quite on the other side of those abnormal projections of the continent Ashhark which also were formed during the second perturbation to this ill-fated planet.


“This region of the existence of this third group was then called, as I have already told you ‘Gemchania or ‘Pearl-land.’


“Later the name of this locality also changed many times and the whole of this terra firma region of the surface of the planet Earth now exists under the name of ‘Hindustan’ or ‘India.’


“As almost all my personal activities, my boy, during that second descent of mine were connected with the external circumstances of this priest Abdil and as I happened to have during this descent of mine a great deal of trouble on his account, I shall tell you more or less in detail about this three-brained being there; and, moreover, you will at the same time understand from these tales about him the results I then attained for the purpose of uprooting from the strange psyche of your favorites the need to destroy the existence of beings of other forms in order to ‘please’ and ‘appease’ their gods and revered idols.


“Although this terrestrial being, who afterwards became for me like one of my kinsmen, was not a priest of the highest rank, yet he was well versed in all the details of the teaching of the religion then dominant in the whole country Tikliamish; and he also knew the psyche of the followers of that religion, particularly, of course, the psyche of the beings belonging to his what is called ‘congregation’ for whom he was ‘priest.’


“These Sacrificial-Offerings were made not only in their own houses by private beings, but were also made by whole groups, and sometimes even in public. There even then existed special places for slaughterings of this kind which were situated mostly near buildings in memory of something or somebody, chiefly of saints—of course, of the saints they themselves had elevated to ‘sainthood.’


“Several such special public places, where the destruction of the beings of different exterior form was carried out, then existed in the country of Tikliamish; and among them was one most celebrated, situated on a small mountain from whence a certain thaumaturgist Aliman was supposed once upon a time to have been ‘taken-alive’ up to ‘some-Heaven-or-other.’


“In that place, as well as in other similar places, especially at definite times of the year, they destroyed an innumerable number of beings called ‘oxen,’ ‘sheep,’ ‘doves,’ and so on, and even beings similar to them themselves.

“In the latter case, the strong usually brought the less strong to be sacrificed; as for instance, a father brought his son, a husband his wife, an elder brother his younger brother, and so on. But, for the most part, ‘sacrifices’ were offered up of ‘slaves,’ who then as now were usually what are called ‘captives,’ that is to say, beings of a conquered community, which according to the law of what is called ‘Solioonensius,’ had at the given period—that is, at the period when their needful tendency to reciprocal destruction was more intensely manifested in their presences—a lesser significance in respect of this chief peculiarity of theirs.


“Several days after this conversation of ours, there occurred one of the two large religious festivals of the whole of Tikliamish, called ‘Zadik’; and in the temple where my friend Abdil was the chief priest, instead of delivering the usual sermon after the temple ceremony, he suddenly began speaking about Sacrificial-Offerings.


“The day following his speech, this Earth friend of mine at once became for all the citizens of the town Koorkalai what is called the ‘fashionable-priest,’ and not only was the temple where he officiated always crammed with beings of the town Koorkalai, but he was also pressed to speak in other temples.

“He delivered many such speeches concerning Sacrificial-Offerings, and each time the number of his admirers grew and grew, so that he soon became popular not only among the beings of the town Koorkalai, but also of the whole of Tikliamish.


20 The Third Flight of Beelzebub to the Planet Earth


“It must be noticed that although the custom of Sacrificial-Offerings was also flourishing at that period in the country of Maralpleicie, it was not on the large scale on which it had flourished in the country Tikliamish.


23 The Fourth Personal Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth


“I very well remember that this ‘agitation of mind’ concerning the origin of these apes occurred there among them for the first time when, as they also like to express it, their ‘center of culture’ was Tikliamish.

“The beginning of that ‘agitation of mind’ there was the wiseacring of a certain ‘learned being’ of new formation there named Menitkel.


24 Beelzebub’s Flight to the Planet Earth for the Fifth Time


“During this time, that is to say, between my fourth and fifth visits, great changes occurred to the surface of your planet; many changes also occurred there in the concentrations of the places of settlement of these favorites of yours. For example, all those centers-of-culture of theirs on the continent Ashhark where I had been in person during my previous descents upon the Earth, namely, the countries of Tikliamish and Maralpleicie, had by the time of my fifth arrival there entirely ceased to exist.


“The cause of the destruction of these centers-of-culture of theirs and of the changes on the surface of this planet in general, was again a misfortune, the third for this ill-fated planet.


“This third misfortune was entirely of a local character and occurred because during several years there had proceeded in its atmosphere unprecedented what are called ‘accelerated-displacements-of-the-parts-of-the-atmosphere’; or, as your favorites there would say, ‘great winds.’


“These unprecedented great winds then began, by the force of their currents, as it is said, to wear down the elevated ‘terra-firma-parts’ and to fill up the corresponding ‘depressions.’


“Such depressions were also the two countries of the continent Ashhark upon which the process of existence was chiefly concentrated of the second and third groups of beings of contemporary Asia, that is to say, the main parts of the countries Tikliamish and Maralpleicie.


“At the same time sands also filled up certain parts of the country, Pearl-land, as well as that country in the middle of the continent Grabontzi, where, as I have already told you, there was formed, after the loss of Atlantis, what they called the leading ‘Center-of-Culture’ for all the three-brained beings there, a country which at that time was the most flourishing part of the surface of this planet of yours, and which is now the desert called ‘Sahara.’


“Just now there are several theories about the matter there, which although they have nothing in common with each other and are each in an objective sense more absurd than the other, are nevertheless accepted there by what is called ‘official-knowledge.’


“But in fact, the real cause of the transmigration of the three-centered beings there was that as soon as the said abrasion began, the beings living on the continent Ashhark, fearing to be buried by the sands, began moving to other, more or less secure places. And these migrations of the three-brained beings there proceeded in the following order:


“Most of the three-brained beings populating Tikliamish moved to the south of the same continent Ashhark, to the country which was later called ‘Persia,’ and the rest moved north, and settled in those regions which were afterwards called ‘Kirkistcheri.’


“Clearly to represent and to substantiate in yourself the understanding just why such a peculiar craze arose in the individuality of that Persian king and became proper only to him, you must know that at the period of the Tikliamish civilization, in the town called ‘Chiklaral’ a three-brained learned being by name Harnahoom—whose essence later became crystallized into what is called an ‘Eternal-Hasnamussian-individual’—invented that any old metal you like, abundant on the surface of that planet, could easily be turned into the rare metal ‘gold’ and all it was necessary to know for this was just one very small ‘secret.’


29 The Fruits of Former Civilizations and the Blossoms of the Contemporary


“But as I was fully occupied at that time with my researches concerning the activities of the Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash, I commissioned the elucidation of the history of the arising of these two independent groupings of your favorites—in respect of what is called, their ‘subjective-being-Being’—to that same being of our tribe who as I have already told you, still carries on an ‘undertaker’s business’ in a large city on the continent of Europe down to the present time.


“From the investigations of this countryman of ours, it seems that long ago before the period to which my tale about the majestic city of Babylon referred, namely, at the time when the process of the existence of those strange beings was proceeding mainly on the continent Asia alone, and when their chief center of culture was Tikliamish, there were on that said continent of Europe, which is now the chief place of existence of your favorites, as yet no definitely organized communities.


“There then chiefly existed on that continent two-brained and one-brained beings called ‘wild quadrupeds’ and ‘reptiles,’ but of your favorites, the biped beings, there were then on that continent only a number of small groups, almost as ‘wild’ as the ‘quadrupeds’ themselves.


“The occupation of these small groups of biped beings was merely the destruction of the ‘quadruped’ and ‘reptile’ beings, and occasionally also of each other.

“And the numbers of your favorites on that continent Europe only increased when emigrants from Maralpleicie, wandering from one place to another, finally arrived and settled there.


“Towards the close of that period there migrated from Tikliamish to that continent Europe a number of beings of the first Asiatic group who followed two quite distinct occupations: namely, some of them were engaged in various marine occupations, and others in what are called there ‘cattle raising’ and ‘sheep farming.’


“The cattle-raising families populated chiefly the southern shores of the continent, because those parts were at that time very convenient for the maintenance and grazing of such quadruped beings.


“And that group of terrestrial beings was then called ‘Latinaki,’ a word that signified ‘shepherds.’


37 France


“And after Atlantis had perished, and many, many centuries had passed, when I was on the continent Asia in the city of Koorkalai, their new center-of-culture of that ancient community there called Tikliamish, and sat at times among them in their Kaltaani which were similar also to contemporary restaurants, was I not witness of similar ‘scenes’?


“And in their majestic city Babylon, where I also happened to be, many of their centuries later… was it not the same there? Were not the three-brained beings of the city Babylon those same Asklays, Kafirians, Veroonks, Klians, and so on?…


“Only their dress and the names of their nationalities have changed.

“During Babylonian times they were called ‘Assyrians,’ ‘Persians,’ ‘Sikitians,’ ‘Aravians,’ and by other different names ending in ‘ian.’


“Yes… and now again, after so many centuries, I am again here, in their contemporary center-of-culture, the city Paris.


“And again it is the same… shoutings, uproar, laughter, scoldings… the same as in the city Babylon, as in the city Koorkalai, or even in Samlios, their first center-of-culture….


“Do not these three-centered beings of today gather together to pass the time in a way unbecoming to three-centered beings, in as unbecoming a way as three-centered beings used to pass the time in all former periods of existence on that unfortunate planet?


“And during the time in which I have observed these unfortunates, not only whole peoples of many of their centers of culture have disappeared without trace, but also the terra firma on which they existed has either completely changed or disappeared from the face of that planet, as happened for instance to the continent Atlantis.


“After Samlios, their second center became the continent ‘Grabontzi.’ Have not the peoples inhabiting it also disappeared from the continent Africa in the same way? And if the continent itself has not disappeared, yet at least that place where its center lay is now so covered with sand that, besides what is called the ‘Sahara desert,’ nothing exists.


“Again many centuries passed; their center was formed in Tikliamish. What remains of it, but deserts now called ‘Red sand’?


“If some nation formerly famous has perhaps survived in its thousandth generation, then it is now vegetating in complete nothingness somewhere not far from that place where that nation dwelt.


“Then again many centuries passed.


“I saw their center Babylon; what has remained of this truly great Babylon? A few stones of the city itself and a few remnants of peoples formerly great, who, although they continue still to exist, are yet regarded by contemporary beings as quite insignificant.


“And what will become of this contemporary center-of-culture of theirs, of the city Paris, and of the peoples powerful today who surround it: French, Germans, English, Dutch, Italians, Americans, and so forth?… future centuries will show.


41 The Bokharian Dervish Hadji-Asvatz-Troov


“First of all I asked him the following. I said:


“‘Highly esteemed Hadji! Until now I have been fully convinced that nowhere on the Earth does there exist an apparatus for the exact measurement of vibrations. Yet here I see so many of these measuring apparatuses.


“‘How am I to understand this?

“‘Where did you get them?’


“To this the venerable Hadji-Asvatz-Troov replied as follows:


“‘These apparatuses for our experiments were made by my deceased friend Kerbalai-Azis-Nuaran, and it is chiefly to them that I am indebted for all my attainments in the knowledge of the laws of vibrations.


“‘Indeed,’ he continued, ‘there once existed on the Earth at the time of the flourishing of the great Tikliamish, all kinds of similar apparatuses, but at the present time there are none of these apparatuses, unless of course one reckons that, so to say, “childish bauble” now existing there in Europe by means of which vibrations can, as it were, be counted, and which there in Europe is called a “siren.” I even had such a siren when I began my elucidatory experiments.


42 Beelzebub in America


“When I began to explain to you, my boy, the causes of the disharmony in the presences of these American beings of the function of the transformation of the first being-food and when I mentioned the ‘comfortable seats’ invented by them, I said among other things, that these strange three-brained beings who have taken your fancy and who breed on the planet Earth were ‘again’ striving to perform even this indispensable being-function of theirs with the greatest possible sensation of self-satisfaction for themselves. I said ‘again’ because previously, in various periods of the flow of time, these strange three-brained beings there who have taken your fancy had already several times introduced something similar into the usages of their ordinary existence.


“I remember very clearly one of those periods when the beings of that time, who, by the way, according to the notions of your contemporary favorites, were nothing but ancient ‘savages,’ invented every possible kind of convenience for performing this same although prosaic yet indispensable being-need, on account of which these contemporary Americans, who in their na├»vete consider themselves already civilized to the ne plus ultra, have invented these comfortable seats in their water closets.


“This was precisely during the period when the chief center of culture for the whole of your planet was the country Tikliamish and when this country was experiencing the height of its splendor.


“For this being-function, the beings of the country Tikliamish invented something rather like these American comfortable seats, and this maleficent invention also spread widely everywhere among all the other beings of that ill-fated planet.


“If the said invention of the beings of the Tikliamishian civilization were compared with the invention of these contemporary Americans then, according to the expression they sometimes use for comparison, the latter may be called a ‘child’s toy.’


“The beings of the Tikliamishian civilization invented a certain kind of ‘comfortable couch bed’ which could be used for sleeping as well as for what is called ‘lounging’ so that while lying on this ‘wonderful contrivance,’ and without manifesting the slightest being-effort whatsoever, they could perform this same inevitable being-need for which the contemporary beings of the continent America have invented their ‘seats of ease.’


“I must tell you that it was just during those years when the beings of Tikliamish were inventing these ‘wonder beds,’ that this planet of yours underwent a common cosmic process of ‘Chirnooanovo,’ that is to say, that, concomitantly with the displacement of the gravity center movement of this solar system in the movement of the common-cosmic harmony, the center of gravity of this planet itself was also displaced.


“During such years, as you already know, thanks to this cosmic manifestation, there increases everywhere on planets—in the psyche of the beings inhabiting any planet undergoing ‘Chirnooanovo’—a ‘Blagonoorarirnian sensation,’ or, as it is otherwise called, ‘remorse of conscience’ for one’s past deeds against one’s own convictions.


“But there on your planet, thanks to the common presences of your favorites having become so odd, from a variety of causes both proceeding from outside of them and arising through their own fault, the result of the action of this common-cosmic actualization does not proceed in them as it proceeds in the presences of the three-brained beings arising on other planets during ‘Chirnooanovo’; that is to say, instead of this remorse of conscience, there usually arise there and become widespread certain specific processes, called the ‘reciprocal destruction of Microcosmoses in the Tetartocosmos,’ which processes, when proceeding in them, they themselves look upon as what are called among them ‘epidemics’ and which in ancient times were known by the names ‘Kalunom,’ ‘Morkrokh,’ ‘Selnoano,’ etc., and in present days by the names ‘Black Death,’ ‘cholera,’ ‘Spanish influenza,’ and so on.


“Well then, thanks to the fact that many diseases then called ‘Kolbana,’ ‘Tirdiank,’ ‘Moyasul,’ ‘Champarnakh,’ and so on, and called by contemporary beings ‘tabes,’ ‘sclerosis disseminata,’ ‘hemorrhoids,’ ‘ishias,’ ‘hemiplegia,’ and so on, were widely prevalent among the majority of those using these exceedingly comfortable ‘couch beds,’ those beings from among them in whose common presences the data for Hasnamussian properties had, thanks to the complete absence of the actualization of being-Partkdolg-duty, already previously begun to be crystallized more intensively than usual, and among whom were those called ‘revolutionaries,’ observing this particularity, decided to take advantage of it for their own purposes; that is to say, types of this kind invented and circulated broadcast among the masses of beings of that time, that all the aforesaid epidemic contagious diseases resulted from the fact that, thanks to the beds, ‘if you wish to enjoy felicity, then enjoy it with a mighty bang,’ the ‘parasitic bourgeois’ contracted various diseases, which diseases afterwards spread by contagion among the masses.


“It will not be amiss now, my boy, also to remark, by way of illustration, upon the invention of preserved products for the first being-food and their application in the process of being-existence by the beings of this contemporary group, who in recent times have chanced to become for the strange Reason of the beings of all the other continents, so to say, ‘objects of imitation,’ chiefly on account simply of the fact that they were supposed to be the first on their planet to invent such beneficent and convenient being-usages, namely, in the given case, the device of feeding themselves with preserved products, thanks to which they, as it were, save time.


“The contemporary unfortunate three-brained beings in general who breed on your planet are, of course, not aware, nor for causes already explained to you, have they in themselves the possibility of reflecting, that their remote ancestors of various past ages, who were much more normally formed into responsible beings, must have ‘racked their brains,’ as is said, ‘not a little’ to discover means for minimizing the time spent on this inevitable being-necessity of feeding themselves with products; and having found such apparently expedient methods, they every time, after a brief trial of them, eventually became convinced that these products, of whatever kind and however they might be preserved, always deteriorated with time and became worthless for their first-food; and hence they ceased to employ these methods in the process of their ordinary existence.


“As a parallel to this contemporary means of preserving products for one’s first being-food in hermetically sealed vessels, let us take as an example that means of preserving which I personally have witnessed in the country Maralpleicie.


“It was just at the time when the beings of the locality of Maralpleicie were vying in everything with the beings of the country Tikliamish and were engaged in a fierce rivalry with them that the beings of all other countries should consider their country the first and foremost ‘center of culture.’


“Just then it was that they invented among other things something similar to these American preserves.


“Those beings of Maralpleicie, however, preserved their edible products sealed hermetically not in ‘poison-exuding tin cans,’ such as the contemporary beings of the continent America use, but in what were then called ‘Sikharenenian vessels.’


43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War


“As a rule, in consequence of the fact that these power-possessing or important beings there do not use the time foreseen by Great Nature for preparing themselves to become worthy responsible beings—owing chiefly to which during their responsible existence, even in their waking state, all kinds of associations in their common presences almost always flow automatically—therefore they themselves without any individual intentions and at times even half-intentionally try to do everything in such a way that the next process of reciprocal destruction should occur sooner, and they even hope that this next process should proceed on as large a scale as possible.


“Such a monstrous need arises in their abnormal psyche because they expect certain egoistic profits from these processes, either personally for themselves or for their nearest, and with their degenerated mentation they even hope that the greater the scale of the next process, the greater the extent of the said profits to be obtained, either personally for themselves or for their nearest.


“It even sometimes happens there, my boy, that certain of the power-possessing and important beings among your favorites unite and form a special society with the aim of jointly finding out and actualizing in practice some possible means for the abolition of this archcriminal property of theirs.


“Just as I was leaving that solar system forever, there was again there, on your planet, a great deal of talk about the formation of such a society and it seems that they intended to call their new society the ‘League of Nations.’


“I very well remember when such a society first arose there in the town of Samoniks in the country Tikliamish just at that period when this country was regarded as the chief center of culture for all the three-brained beings of this peculiar planet of yours.


“Then for the first time, just such important beings from among the ordinary beings of most of the communities of the continent Asia assembled at the mentioned place with the aim of jointly drawing up a common agreement that there should never again arise among the different Asiatic communities any cause whatsoever for such ‘processes of reciprocal destruction.’


“Several centuries after the existence of Tikliamish there again arose a similar society of beings there on the same continent Asia, but this time in the country which was then called ‘Mongolplanzura.’