Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson

19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth

19.187

“During my visits to the Kaltaani there, I met a number of beings, among whom was one I happened to meet rather often.

“This three-brained being there, whom I chanced to meet frequently, belonged to the profession of ‘priest’ and was called ‘Abdil.’

19.187

“As almost all my personal activities, my boy, during that second descent of mine were connected with the external circumstances of this priest Abdil and as I happened to have during this descent of mine a great deal of trouble on his account, I shall tell you more or less in detail about this three-brained being there; and, moreover, you will at the same time understand from these tales about him the results I then attained for the purpose of uprooting from the strange psyche of your favorites the need to destroy the existence of beings of other forms in order to ‘please’ and ‘appease’ their gods and revered idols.

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“Although this terrestrial being, who afterwards became for me like one of my kinsmen, was not a priest of the highest rank, yet he was well versed in all the details of the teaching of the religion then dominant in the whole country Tikliamish; and he also knew the psyche of the followers of that religion, particularly, of course, the psyche of the beings belonging to his what is called ‘congregation’ for whom he was ‘priest.’

19.188

“Soon after we were on ‘good terms’ with each other, I discovered that in the Being of this priest Abdil—owing to very many external circumstances, among which were also heredity and the conditions under which he had been prepared for a responsible being—the function called ‘conscience’ which ought to be present in every three-centered being, had not yet been quite atrophied in him, so that after he had cognized with his Reason certain cosmic truths I had explained to him, he immediately acquired in his presence towards the beings around him, similar to him, almost that attitude which should be in all normal three-brained beings of the whole Universe, that is to say, he became, as it is also said there, ‘compassionate,’ and ‘sensitive’ towards the beings surrounding him.

19.188

“Before telling you more about this priest Abdil, I must make clear to your Reason that there on the continent of Ashhark the mentioned terrible custom of Sacrificial-Offerings was at that time, as it is said, at its ‘height,’ and the destruction of various weak one-brained and two-brained beings proceeded everywhere in incalculable numbers.

19.190

“Well, then, my boy, during the early days of my sojourn in the town Koorkalai, I often talked on various subjects with this mentioned friend of mine, the priest Abdil, but, of course, I never spoke with him about such questions as might reveal my real nature.

19.190

“Like almost all the three-brained beings of your planet whom I met during all my descents, he also took me for a being of his own planet, but considered me very learned and an authority on the psyche of beings similar to himself.

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“From our earliest meetings, whenever we chanced to speak about other beings similar to himself, his responsiveness and experiencings about them always touched me deeply. And when my Reason made it quite clear to me that the function of conscience, fundamental for three-centered beings, which had been transmitted to his presence by heredity, had not yet become quite atrophied in him, then there gradually began from that moment to arise in my presence and as a result to be crystallized, a ‘really-functioning-needful-striving’ towards him as towards a kinsman of my own nature.

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“Thereafter, he also, according to the cosmic law ‘every-cause-gives-birth-to-its-corresponding-result,’ of course began to have towards me ‘Silnooyegordpana,’ or, as your favorites would say there, ‘a-feeling-of-trusting-another-like-yourself.’

19.197

“Having said all this to my friend, the priest Abdil, I said further:

“‘And what is most distressing is that every man who destroys the existence of other beings, in honor of his honored idols, does so with all his heart and is convinced beyond all doubt that he is doing a “good” deed.

19.201

“So, my dear boy, this last conversation with that Earth friend of mine produced such a strong impression on him, that for two days thereafter he did nothing but think and think.

“In short, the final outcome of it all was that this priest Abdil eventually began to cognize and sense concerning the custom of Sacrificial-Offerings almost as in reality he should have done.

19.201

“Several days after this conversation of ours, there occurred one of the two large religious festivals of the whole of Tikliamish, called ‘Zadik’; and in the temple where my friend Abdil was the chief priest, instead of delivering the usual sermon after the temple ceremony, he suddenly began speaking about Sacrificial-Offerings.

19.201

“I chanced to be also in that large temple that day and was one of those who heard his speech.

“Although the theme of his speech was unusual for such an occasion and for such a place, yet it shocked nobody, because he spoke unprecedentedly well and beautifully.

“Indeed, he spoke so well and so sincerely, and cited in his beautiful speech so many persuasive and illustrative examples, that as he spoke many of the beings of Koorkalai there even began sobbing bitterly.

19.201

“What he said produced so strong an impression on all his congregation that although his speech lasted till the next day instead of the customary half-hour or hour, nevertheless even when it was over, nobody wished to leave and all stood for a long time as if spellbound.

19.202

“Thereafter, fragments from his speech began to be spread among those who had not personally heard it.

19.202

“It is interesting to notice that it was the custom then for priests to exist simply on the offerings of their parishioners, and this priest Abdil had also been in the habit of receiving from parishioners all kinds of food for his ordinary existence, as for instance roast and boiled ‘corpses’ of beings of various exterior forms, such as ‘chickens,’ ‘sheep,’ ‘geese,’ and so on. But after this famous speech of his, nobody brought him any of these customary offerings but brought or sent him only fruits, flowers, handiwork, and so on.

19.202

“The day following his speech, this Earth friend of mine at once became for all the citizens of the town Koorkalai what is called the ‘fashionable-priest,’ and not only was the temple where he officiated always crammed with beings of the town Koorkalai, but he was also pressed to speak in other temples.

“He delivered many such speeches concerning Sacrificial-Offerings, and each time the number of his admirers grew and grew, so that he soon became popular not only among the beings of the town Koorkalai, but also of the whole of Tikliamish.

19.202

“I do not know how it would all have ended if the whole priesthood, that is, men-beings of the same profession as my friend, had not become alarmed and anxious on account of his popularity, and had not opposed everything he preached.

“Evidently these colleagues of his were afraid that if the custom of Sacrificial-Offerings were to disappear, their own excellent incomes would, disappear also, and that their authority would first totter and finally crumble.

19.202-3

“Day by day the number of this priest Abdil’s enemies increased, and they spread new slanders and innuendoes about him in order to lower or destroy his popularity and significance.

19.203

“His colleagues began delivering addresses in their temples proving exactly the opposite of all that the priest Abdil had preached.

19.203

“At last it came to the point that the priesthood began to bribe various beings who had ‘Hasnamuss’ properties to plan and commit every kind of outrage upon this poor Abdil; and, indeed, these terrestrial nullities with the properties mentioned even tried on several occasions to destroy his existence by sprinkling poison on the various edible offerings brought to him.

19.203

“In spite of all this, the number of sincere admirers of his preaching daily increased.

19.203

“Finally, the whole corporation of the priesthood could stand it no longer; and on a sad day for my friend, a general ecumenical trial was held, which lasted four days.

“By the sentence of this general ecumenical council, not only was this Earth friend of mine completely excommunicated from the priesthood, but, at the same council, his colleagues also organized means for his further persecution.

19.203

“All this, of course, had little by little a strong effect on the psyche of the ordinary beings, so that even those around him who had formerly esteemed him also began gradually to avoid him and to repeat every kind of calumny about him. Even those who only a day before had sent him flowers and various other offerings and had almost worshiped him also soon became such bitter enemies of his, owing to the constant gossip, that it was as if he had not only injured them personally, but had slaughtered and butchered all their near and dear ones.

19.203

“Such is the psyche of the beings of that peculiar planet.

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“In short, owing to his sincere good will to those around him, this good friend of mine endured a great deal. Even this would have been, perhaps, nothing, if the climax of unconscionableness on the part of the colleagues of my friend and the other terrestrial ‘God-like’ beings around him had not brought all this to an end; that is to say, they killed him.

19.204

“And this occurred in the following way:

“My friend had no relatives at all in the city Koorkalai, having been born in some distant place.

“And as for the hundreds of servants and other ordinary terrestrial nullities who had been around him owing to his former importance, they, by this time, had gradually left him, naturally because my friend was no longer important.

19.204

“Toward the end there remained with him only one very old being who had been with him quite a long time.

“To tell the truth, this old man had remained with him only on account of old age which, owing to abnormal being-existence, most of the beings there reach; that is to say, on account of his complete uselessness for anything required under the conditions of being-existence there.

“He simply had no other place to go to, and that was why he did not desert my friend, but stayed with him even when he had lost his importance and was being persecuted.

19.204

“Going into my friend’s room one sad morning, this old man saw that he had been killed and that his planetary body had been hacked to pieces.

“Knowing that I was his friend, he at once ran to me to tell me about it.

19.204

“I have already told you, that I had begun to love him as one of my nearests. So when I learned about this terrible fact, there almost occurred in my whole presence a ‘Skinikoonartzino,’ that is to say, the connection between my separate being-centers was almost shattered.

19.205

“But during the day I feared that the same or other unconscionable beings might commit further outrages on my friend’s planetary body, so I decided at least to prevent the possible actualization of what I feared.

“I therefore immediately hired several suitable beings for a great sum of money and, unbeknown to anybody else, had his planetary body removed and temporarily placed in my Selchan, that is, on my raft which was moored not far away on the river Oksoseria, and which I had not disposed of because I had intended to sail on it from there to the sea Kolhidious to our ship Occasion.

19.205

“This sad end of my friend’s existence did not prevent his preachings and persuasions about the cessation of Sacrificial-Offerings having a strong effect on many, even on a great many.

“And indeed, the quantity of slaughterings for Sacrificial-Offerings began very perceptibly to diminish and one could see that even if the custom were not abolished completely with time, it would at least be considerably mitigated.

“And, for the time being, that was sufficient for me.

19.205

“As there was no reason for me to stay there any longer, I decided to return immediately to the sea Kolhidious and there to consider what to do further with the planetary body of my friend.

19.205

“When I arrived on our ship Occasion I found an etherogram for me from Mars in which I was informed of the arrival there of another party of beings from the planet Karatas, and that speedy return there was desired.

19.205

“Thanks to this etherogram a very strange idea came into my head—namely, I thought that instead of disposing of the planetary body of my friend on the planet Earth, I might take it with me and give it to the presence of the planet Mars.

19.205-6

“I decided to carry out this idea of mine as I was afraid that my friend’s enemies who hated him might make a search for his planetary body, and if they had chanced to learn where it had been given to the presence of that planet, or, as your favorites say, ‘buried,’ then doubtless they would have found it and perpetrated some atrocity on it.

19.206

“And so, from the sea Kolhidious, I soon ascended on the ship Occasion to the planet Mars, where our beings and several kind Martians, who had already learned of the events which had taken place on the planet Earth, paid due respect to the planetary body I had taken with me.

“They buried him with the ceremonies customary on the planet Mars, and over the spot they erected a corresponding construction.

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“Anyhow, this was the first and surely will be the last what your favorites call ‘grave,’ for a being of the planet Earth on this so near yet so far and, for the terrestrial beings, quite inaccessible planet Mars.

19.206

“I learned afterwards that this story reached His All-Quarters-Maintainer, the Most Great Archangel ‘Setrenotzinarco,’ the All-Quarters-Maintainer of that part of the Universe to which that system Ors belongs, and that He manifested his pleasure by giving to whom it was proper, a command concerning the soul of this terrestrial friend of mine.

20 The Third Flight of Beelzebub to the Planet Earth

20.219

“There in the city Gob I began deliberately looking for a corresponding being, in order to make friends with him, as I had in the city Koorkalai.

“And indeed I soon found such a friend here also, but this time he was not a ‘priest’ by profession.

20.219

“My friend here turned out to be the proprietor of a large Chaihana; and although I became, as it is said there, on very good terms with him, nevertheless I never had that strange ‘tie’ with him which arose in my essence towards the priest Abdil in the city Koorkalai.